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Hello, sapiens! Maycember1 has arrived!

We’ve got graduations. We’ve got proms. We’ve got sports practices and exams and school talent shows and end-of-year parties. We’ve got baking cookies for the bake sale and tracking down “festive socks” for school spirit week and buying teacher gifts and shuttling between baseball games and birthday parties and spring carnivals and—Are you not entertained?!2

Anyway, we’ve all got a lot on our plates, so let’s hit the highlights today: a roundup of important new studies.

1. School phone bans are…working? Kind of?

This study has been everywhere and depending where you read about it, it either proves that school phone bans have been a total failure or a major success. So let’s take a look!

Researchers from the National Bureau of Economic Research partnered with Yondr, a company that sells lockable pouches for phones, which many schools use to implement phones bans. This was a “quasi-experimental” study. This means that, even though schools were not randomly assigned to use Yondr or not, researchers were able to compare schools that used Yondr pouches with very similar schools that did not. They looked at data from thousands of schools from 2018 to 2025 (excluding pandemic years 2020 and 2021) and found:

• Yondr pouches did decrease phone use, according to GPS data that tracked device activity.

• In surveys, teachers and parents were generally supportive of Yondr pouches; students were not.

• In the first year after Yondr pouch adoption, disciplinary incidents increased (according to school records), including 16% more suspensions. This effect faded in future years.

• In the first year after Yondr pouch adoption, student well-being declined, then rebounded and actually improved by the end of the second year.

• Yondr pouches had zero effect on test scores over the first 3 years after Yondr pouch adoption.

• They also had basically no effect on: attendance, students’ perceptions of how often online bullying was happening, and students’ self-reported classroom attention.

My take: This is an extremely impressive study—so many schools! So many datasets! GPS tracking, school records, surveys, test scores! These are the types of studies we need to start getting real answers on the effects of our tech-related policies. That said, as usual, I think the headlines around this study (“School cell phone bans don’t work!”) are missing some context.

First of all, this study does not look at state or school district-wide policy changes. It does not tell us whether these laws are or are not effective. Second, it looks at a very specific type of phone “ban” (Yondr pouches), so we don’t know about other types of bans. Third, we only have data for about 3 years post-adoption of Yondr pouches which, when it comes to changing things like test scores, is not very long.

Ultimately, I believe phone bans are generally a good idea. I also do not think they are going to solve everything. To me, this study—in combination with all the other research we have on phones in schools—supports that conclusion.3 NBER.

2. Some good news on youth mental health

We see a lot of news about rising rates of mental health concerns in young people, so it’s also important to pay attention when trends might be moving in the other direction.

For many years, the U.S. had a 10-digit phone number people could call when they were facing a suicide-related crisis. But in July 2022, the country launched the “988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline,” allowing people to simply dial “988.” Alongside this, $1.5 billion dollars were spent to expand the capacity of these crisis centers.

This study used the National Vital Statistics System, a registry of all U.S. death certificates, to track rates of suicide deaths among people ages 15 to 34 from 1999 to 2024. From July 2022 (the launch of 988) to December 2024, the rate of suicide deaths decreased 11% (i.e., 4,372 fewer suicides) below expected numbers. And this rate was highest in states that had the highest uptake of 988 use.

My take: I find this data to be really encouraging. The launch of 988 was a massive endeavor—financially and logistically—and this study offers some evidence that it is working. It’s especially encouraging to see that the states with the greatest decline in suicide rates were those with the strongest uptake of 988. It’s always nice to learn that our interventions are actually working and, in this case, even saving lives! JAMA.

3. Who are all these “health experts” on social media?

On a lighter note, we’ve got some interesting new data from Pew Research Center on the landscape of “health and wellness influencers” in the U.S.

First, the Pew team analyzed 12,800 social media accounts belonging to 6,828 influencers with over 100,000 followers on YouTube, Instagram, or TikTok. Then they surveyed over 10,000 U.S. adults about their experiences with these types of influencers.

Who are these influencers? According to their bios, 17% are conventional medical professionals (doctors, dentists, nurses), 7% are allied health professionals (physical therapists, pharmacists), 31% are “coaches,” 28% are “entrepreneurs,” and 16% have no credentials listed. Two-thirds (64%) are women.

And how much are we all turning to them for health and wellness information? A lot! 40% of all U.S. adults say they get information from these influencers or podcasts, and this is especially common among those under 50.

There are many reasons why we follow these people, but most people cite a desire to make a change to their lifestyle:

My take: First of all, I just love the idea of Pew researchers spending thousands of hours combing the bios of influencers.4 More importantly, their survey data suggests a wide range in how much trust people are putting in the health information they get from influencers: 10% say they trust “all or most” of the information, 65% say they trust “some” of it, and 24% say they trust “not too much or none.” I’d love to see the follow-up on that “some”—what types of information are we more likely to trust? When is this trust helpful, and when does it lead us astray? Pew Research Center.

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6 min read

This week, I went to a presentation in my local high school auditorium called “Social Media and Your Kids.” It was open to all parents in the community and involved a speaker sharing information on the risks of social media and strategies to navigate it.

Sapiens: I felt like a spy.1 I spent half the time sinking into my chair, furtively glancing around, waiting, I guess, for someone to yell she doesn’t even go here! and escort me out. I did almost blow my cover when the presenter shared the results of a cross-sectional study, and I nearly grabbed the microphone to start lecturing about correlation and causation and the inherent limitations of observational research.2

I resisted that impulse, and made it out with some new ideas, an appreciation for much of what the presenter shared, and, as far as I can tell, an intact reputation as NOT the crazy lady who interrupts presentations in my community.3 Success!

However, there was one part of the presentation that concerned me: the use of the word “addiction.”4

Ah, here she goes again

In our discussion of the social media trial verdict, I shared the following:

There is…much debate in psychology about whether social media use (or, really, any non-substance using behavior outside of gambling) can be called an “addiction.”

Here’s my current take. Are there a small number of people whose social media use is so extreme that it causes significant impairment in their lives, and they are unable to stop using it despite that impairment? Yes. And for those people, maybe addiction is the right word, maybe it’s not, but maybe, it doesn’t matter because it’s still a big problem.

For the vast majority of people (and kids) using social media, though, I do not think addiction is the right word to use. And I worry that by labeling the average kid’s use “addiction,” we are: (1) ignoring the many different activities they might be doing on social media; (2) removing agency by suggesting that they are incapable of managing social media use, and (3) pathologizing a behavior, rather than implementing reasonable measures—in our homes, schools, and the products themselves—to address it.

So, you’re aware that I have mixed feelings about the use of this word. Today, I want to share a new study that, I believe, supports some of my concerns.

“Overestimates of social media addiction are common but costly”

How’s that for a paper title? Gets right to the point! Let’s talk about what the researchers found.

Scientists at California Institute of Technology and University of Southern California5 ran two studies with adults.

Study 1

In the first study, an online sample of 380 adult Instagram users answered questions about their use of Instagram.

• One measure assessed clinical criteria for Instagram “addiction,” like whether participants faced negative consequences because of their use, or had tried unsuccessfully to cut down.

• Another measure assessed people’s own beliefs about whether they were “addicted,” i.e., Right now, I feel addicted to Instagram.

• Only 2% of users met the criteria for addiction,6 but 18% believed they were at least somewhat addicted.

• Importantly, people who believed they were addicted also believed they had less control over their use and blamed themselves for using it too often.

Study 2

The second study took it a step farther. In an online experiment, participants answered questions about their Instagram use. All participants then received the following warning, using language from the Surgeon General’s 2023 report:

You have just completed a series of questions that identify different types of Instagram users. Your responses indicate that you use Instagram often. The U.S. Surgeon General has warned that frequent, excessive social media use is addictive. It can be harmful to your mental health and well-being.

They were then asked to write 2 to 3 sentences describing a time they felt addicted to Instagram, which caused them to spend a little time reflecting on their “Instagram addiction.”

Some participants did this exercise before answering more follow-up questions about their use, and others did it after.

When participants did this exercise before answering more questions—effectively prompting them to believe they were addicted to Instagram—they were more likely to say that:

1. They are not able to control their use or reduce it when they want to, and

2. They are to blame for their failure to control their use.7

In other words, participants tended to overestimate their addiction to social media, and when they did, it seemed to have negative consequences: blaming themselves and believing they were less able to control their use.

Summing up

Let me be clear: I am in no way saying that social media and our phones have no problems. Should they be designed to maximize our, and our children’s, attention and engagement at the expense of everything else? No!

I am also not saying that there are not some people out there who are using them in highly problematic ways. A small percentage of adults, and children, are likely seriously impaired by their use of social media—it’s causing serious problems in their relationships, maybe it’s getting in the way of basic functions like8 eating and hygiene, it’s destroying their ability to work or attend school. In these cases, the “addiction” label may be appropriate and, either way, this requires clinical treatment.

This study achieved that with a two-minute reflection exercise. Now, imagine what might happen with an entire ecosystem—news headlines, school presentations, “experts” and social media posts and even official government reports—telling us and our children that we are addicted.

This recent study draws a distinction between two types of labels: addiction versus habit. When people described their use as a habit, they did not show the same tendency toward self-blame and perception of lack of control. Maybe this is a hint toward what might actually work.

We can be specific about the problems with our technologies, with the ways they are designed, and with the ways that we use them. We can advocate for change to these products. We can be clear when our patterns of use have become a bad habit. And we can remind ourselves, and our children, that we have agency in choosing how to use them.

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4 min read

April is Earth Month,1 and we’ve been celebrating around here.

Just last week, my 4-year-old had a nature-themed show-and-tell for which he grabbed two fistfuls of grass from our lawn and dutifully stuffed them into a bag. My 2-year-old developed a new passion for birdwatching, stopping on our walks to point to each bird and note “I fink it’s a robin.”2 And my baby had her first taste of the beach, which mostly involved sleeping and an adorable, tiny sunhat.

A successful month!

But you know what they say3: it’s not a celebration without some research and a detailed list of suggestions, right? (Right?)

So, in honor of Earth Month, let’s talk about getting outside. We’ll keep it short and sweet.4

Research and nature? Have I died and gone to heaven?

Many of us have anecdotal, positive experiences of going outside.5 We may have felt relaxed and clearheaded after a walk in the woods. Or we may have found that taking our cranky young kids outside was the equivalent of pressing the reset button.

But did you know that the evidence is on our side?

Here are some good things that exposure to nature has been found to promote:

• Reduced stress

• More physical activity

• Better mental health

• Improved cognitive functioning (e.g., attention, memory)

• Social cohesion (e.g., through neighborhood parks)

For kids and teens, we have hundreds of studies, summarized in a 2023 overview of 36 systematic reviews on this topic. For example, one review of six “schoolyard greening” interventions finds positive impacts on students’ activity and socio-emotional health, and another systematic review of nature exposure studies finds that, when it comes to emotional and behavioral health, all 5 RCTs point to positive outcomes (higher well-being, reduced stress, etc.).

Similar results show up in adults, too. For example, a 2022 meta-analysis suggests that “nature walks” (compared to walks in urban areas, for instance) may help to reduce symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. And, as we learned last week, a meta-analysis from earlier this year found walking outside to be an effective strategy for promoting well-being.6

Alright, I’m convinced. Now what?

Here are some ideas for getting our kids (and ourselves) outside. This will, of course, depend on what is accessible near you. For a long, possibly too comprehensive list of screen-free activities for kids, check out this post.

1. Go for a walk or hike. You can turn this into a scavenger hunt by creating a quick “bingo card” with things like trees, birds, mushrooms, pinecones, flowers, etc., or play “I spy” as you go. For little nature explorers, bring along a magnifying glass and a box or bag to collect “treasures.” For older kids, disposable cameras (for documenting nature) can be a fun addition.

2. Get moving. Bikes, scooters, roller blades, plasma cars, skateboards—whatever gets your kids going.

3. Find space. Head to a local park, playground, open field, beach, empty parking lot, or other available space.

4. Play the ID game. Use the beloved (by me) Merlin Bird ID app to identify birds by their calls, or iNaturalist to identify plants, animals and insects (and contribute to science!). Consider a bird feeder, too.7

5. Get outside at night. Go stargazing, watch for the International Space Station, or just head out for a walk with a flashlight or headlamp.

6. Find a park. State parks, national parks, city parks—parks are the best! The National parks also have a Junior Ranger program for kids.

7. Water play. I cannot believe how much my kids love playing with water. They love a mud kitchen, but a big bin with water and some toys works great, too. Sprinklers and baby pools (with supervision!) are fun when the weather is warmer. I also love these ideas for an outdoor “Tinkerspace” from .

8. Gardening. If you have the space, a simple garden can be fun for planting, watering, and watching things grow. In our case, a potted cherry tomato plant on the patio gets the job done.

9. Have an outdoor picnic. Bring a meal or snack outside with a big blanket.

10. Outdoor art. Sidewalk chalk is always a hit. Paintbrushes and spray bottles (with water) are also a great way to “paint” concrete surfaces.

11. Go camping. I have yet to attempt this with my kids (if you have, please share advice!), but as a first step, I plan to set up a tent in the yard for some afternoon “camping.” With s’mores, obviously.

12. Follow your child’s interests. There is, of course, a never ending array of activities that can happen outside, so let your child’s interests lead the way. Sports, flying kites, sandcastles, lemonade stands, climbing trees, digging holes, pretending to be an acorn-collecting squirrel name Squirrely.8 There are lots of ways to enjoy nature, so it never hurts to just get outside and see what unfolds.

What are your (and your kids’) favorite outdoor activities? Please share in the comments!

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Hi there, sapiens! Happy day-after-spring-break to all who celebrate. Our week took a surprising turn when a virus downed every last man, woman, and child in our house. However, we have finally emerged from our sickbeds, my 4-year-old has once again donned his superman costume,1 and I have returned to my laptop to ease my ailing body and mind with…a good, old research roundup.

Today, we’ve got the latest on:

• Do screens cause brain damage that can be reduced with a digital detox? (Hint: No.)

• The simplest habit to improve well-being

• How teens use Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok differently

• Links between youth AI use and human relationships

Happy spring and (I hope with every fiber of my being) end of flu season to you all!

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1. No, digital detoxes do not reverse brain damage

This is actually the opposite of new research, but feels important to mention. If you, like me, pay attention to these kinds of things, you probably saw last week’s Washington Post headline: “This detox may erase 10 years of social media brain damage, researchers say: Studies show that taking even short breaks could reverse measures of cognitive decline.”

So, what was this groundbreaking new study? Surely it involved fMRI scans of the brain before and after a “digital detox”? And surely it provided new evidence for “cognitive decline” caused by too much screen use?

Surprise! This study does not exist. The article mentions a few studies, none of which involve direct measures of brain activity, and none of which provide any evidence for screen-based “brain damage.” In fact, the main study cited in the article is this one, which I wrote about a year ago right here. It’s a good study! And it did find that a “digital detox” improved self-reported and task-based measures of mental health, attention, and memory.

But c’mon. “10 years of social media brain damage”?!2 This is a pretty egregious example of clickbait, and I am sorry to say that the fish (i.e., me) were biting. Original study in PNAS Nexus; Techno Sapiens write-up; Washington Post article.

2. A simple habit to improve well-being

Next up: a little palate cleanser because we deserve it!!!

So, we know researchers have come up with many interventions to improve well-being. Some of those are psychological ones (like mindfulness, self-compassion, gratitude practices, acts of kindness), and some are physical (like exercise, yoga, and nature programs). Many of these have been tested in randomized controlled trials (RCTs) to see how well they work.

This study took all those prior RCTs and combined them into one, giant meta-analysis to see which intervention worked best. Kind of like an epic, winner-take-all battle for happiness.

The winner? “Combined exercise-psychological interventions.” In other words, interventions that combined physical exercise (in this case, walking) with some kind of mental exercise, like “awe” (practicing wonder and appreciation for the things around you) or meditation.

My take: A few years ago, there was a TikTok trend called “Hot Girl Walks.” The idea was to go outside for a walk while thinking positive affirmations (and, of course, documenting it for social media). And now, at last, science has confirmed that Hot Girl Walks are more effective than basically any other well-being intervention out there. In sum: go for a walk, look at nature, feel better (and, maybe, hotter).3 Nature Hum Beh.

3. Snapchat is for messaging, TikTok is for entertainment

Our friends at the Pew Research Center are at it again! You know how people like me are always complaining about how “social media” involves so many different activities and platforms, so it’s not always useful to talk about it as if it’s one entity?

Well, Pew has done us a favor by separately investigating how teens use the three most popular social media platforms: TikTok, Instagram, and Snapchat.

Key findings from their nationally-representative sample of over 1,400 teens (ages 13-17):

• The majority of teens say they use Instagram (84%) and Snapchat (86%) to keep up with family and friends. Only 66% say this about TikTok.

• For news, they’re most likely to turn to TikTok (45%), followed by Instagram (39%), and less commonly, Snapchat (26%)

• 57% of teen Snapchat users message people directly everyday on the platform. Only 34% of Instagram users and 24% of TikTok users say the same.

• Teens are not posting or sharing much on any platform! 28% post daily on Snapchat, and only 16% on Instagram and 19% on TikTok.

• Very few teens believe any platform has hurt their mental health. Only 11% say this of Instagram, and 9% of TikTok and Snapchat.

My take: A pattern emerges from this data that fits with my own work with teens (and that you could probably also get by talking to any teen in your life): Snapchat is for messaging and keeping up with friends, TikTok is for entertainment, Instagram is somewhere in the middle. Posting on any platform is uncommon. A lot of what is happening, on TikTok and Instagram especially, is just passive scrolling. Also, as we’ve seen before: many teens think social media is bad for people their age—just not for them, personally. Pew Research Center.

4. Who struggles with AI use?

Another nationally-representative survey on young people and tech?! It’s my lucky week! This one is from , involves over 2,300 participants (ages 13-24) and is all about AI and human relationships. Some interesting tidbits:

• 28% of youth say they “infrequently” or “never” use AI. These non-users, compared to those who use it more often, actually show the lowest levels of belonging, connection, and well-being

• 50% say that parents know “little to nothing” about their AI use, and 61% say parents “never” or “rarely” talk to them about AI

• Youth who struggle the most with AI are those who feel like a burden in their lives, or like they have no one to turn to. These youth are more likely to report AI dependence, emotional attachment to AI, and turning to AI instead of humans for support.

My take: The intersection of AI use and offline relationships is complex. It’s not simply that youth who use AI more are showing worse “IRL” outcomes, or vice versa. On one hand, we’re seeing that youth who are already struggling offline are showing more problematic uses of AI. On the other, kids who don’t use AI at all were actually worst off. I doubt this is directly related to their (lack of) AI use—likely, it reflects larger challenges faced by this group of non-users (i.e., lower socioeconomic status). We’ll need more research to further tease this apart. The Rithm Project.

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6 min read

Have you ever read a book that quietly embeds itself in your brain, then sneaks up on you throughout the day, becoming a new filter through which you see the world? Today’s special guest wrote that book for me. Gillian Sandstrom is a psychology professor at the University of Sussex, and her new book is called Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How “Small” Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life.

As you will quickly gather from our conversation, I am not a person who thrives on small talk. When I get on a plane, I immediately put in headphones and avoid eye contact. At my local coffee shop, I say a quick “thank you” to the barista and then bury my face in my laptop.

At least, that was before.

Since reading Gillian’s book, I have thought about it everyday. I have now made casual conversations with baristas, preschool teachers, neighbors, and others. In situations where I’d previously limited myself to a quick “thanks!” or “bye!”, I now find myself lingering an extra moment, and pushing myself to ask a question or offer a compliment.

It hasn’t dramatically changed my life, but it’s made each day just a little bit brighter, more interesting, and happier. And maybe that, actually, is life-changing.

I hope Once Upon a Stranger will do the same thing for you.

I don’t know what this says about me, but before reading your book, my first thought about talking to strangers was something like “oh God, please no.” Happy to report that your book has convinced me otherwise (!), but for others who might share my hesitance, why should we talk to strangers?

Ha! Thanks for voicing what a lot of people are probably feeling: Why bother? It’s what I used to feel, too. Now I’ve written a whole book to try to answer that question, to understand why it’s become so important to me.

Psychologists used to think that a life well-lived consisted of two components: happiness and meaning. Now we think there’s a third component: psychological richness. Talking to strangers has enriched my life. I’ve met interesting people (e.g., a bat first aider, a volunteer lookerer, a sperm bank manager), heard fascinating stories, tried new things because of strangers’ recommendations (e.g., restaurants, shows, walking trails).

Although each conversation has its own benefits, I think the biggest benefit is cumulative. I’ve made a practice of regularly talking to strangers for more than 15 years now, and it has fundamentally changed the way I walk through the world. I feel more positive about (and trusting of) other people, more connected to my community, more comfortable about my place in the world.

I find talking to strangers to be enjoyable and valuable, but also meaningful. It’s an act of kindness that anyone can do, that gives us the power (and privilege) to make someone’s day a little better. I know, because strangers have made my day better—sometimes on the days that I’ve struggled.

(Re: your conversion: Glad to win one more for #TeamHuman!)

Related to this, what are biggest barriers people face in talking to strangers? And what does the research say about getting past those barriers?

We worry that people won’t want to talk to us, that we’ll be rejected. But that doesn’t happen nearly as often as we expect.

• In one of my studies, involving more than 1300 conversations, people were rejected only 13% of the time.

• And the other person is generally polite, even when they don’t want to talk.

• That’s why, in a preliminary study I ran with my students, we found that people overestimated how bad they would feel after being turned down. It’s not a positive experience, of course, but it’s not usually as bad as we fear.

I thought rejection would be people’s biggest fear, but people seem to be more worried about the prospect of awkward silences. I think this boils down to the fact that we just don’t think we know how to talk to a stranger—or, at least, not how to do it well. But it’s a skill that we can learn and develop.

• When my colleagues and I asked people to talk to a stranger every day for a week, people grew progressively less worried about being rejected and more confident in their ability to start and maintain a conversation.

• This matches my personal experience. My dad is a master stranger-talker. I thought he had special skills that I had clearly not inherited. I am far more introverted (my perfect evening involves a book, a cat, and a cup of tea) and strangers used to make me really nervous. Writing this book gave me a chance to really reflect on how I got from there to here.

We also worry about the impression that we make, but people like us more than we think.

What’s the best, strangest, or most surprising conversation you’ve ever had with a stranger?

That’s such a tough question to answer because I’ve had so many memorable conversations (though lots of forgettable ones, too, of course)! (I also want to say: I often ask a version of your question as a conversation starter, e.g., asking a taxi driver about their longest fare.)

I’m going to cheat and share two stories.

The first happened after I did an interview on a well-known radio show. I left BBC Broadcasting House and got on the Tube to head home, still buzzing. I asked a woman how her morning was going. She responded politely but it seemed like the conversation was over after that short exchange. But then, after a pause, she asked me about my morning. I shared that I’d been interviewed on Woman’s Hour. She reciprocated, sharing that she’d been to the GP that morning and had found out she was pregnant! I imagined her heading back to work and not telling anyone. But it was safe for her to tell me, precisely because I was a stranger. We shared a hug on the Tube!

Another memorable conversation happened on holiday in Wales, when I approached an older man with a dog. After we had chatted for a while, he spontaneously invited me and my husband to come over for a drink. He was fascinating to talk to and we enjoyed hearing about his career as a theatrical wigmaker. He and I played a duet on his piano before my husband and I rushed off to our dinner reservation. (We wish, now, that we’d ditched the reservation and stayed longer.)

Now that we’re all ready to go out and initiate conversations with strangers, how do we get started?

I was slow to join social media, but when I did, I started posting #Talking2Strangers stories. I hoped they would show people that opportunities abound and that it’s easy to strike up a conversation.

When I started writing my book, I combed through these posts to identify the people (e.g., dog owners, shopkeepers) and situations (e.g., public transport, traveling on holiday) that make it easiest when you’re starting out. I also looked for patterns in the conversation starters that I used most often.

My advice to get a conversation started is to think QUICK:

• Ask a QUestion. My single most-used conversation starter is a curiosity-driven “Whatcha doing?” You can also ask people the story behind their jewelry or their tattoo, what they’re hoping to see with their binoculars, what’s in the strangely-shaped case they’re carrying, what’s that drool-worthy dish they ordered…

• Comment on something you have In Common. I think this is why we talk about the weather so often. You can ask people at the theatre why they chose that show or what other shows they’ve seen. You can point out something in your shared environment, like a happy dog or an opportunistic seagull.

• Be Kind. My mom’s favourite way to start a conversation is to give someone a genuine compliment. On the bus recently, I told a woman: “That colour looks so great on you!” and she positively beamed. You can also offer information or directions, a seat, or some company.

You can grab your own copy of Once Upon a Stranger right here.

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7 min read

In my academic life, I do a lot of learning about parenting. I read scientific papers, I write papers, I analyze data, I inspect correlations between this parenting behavior and that childhood outcome. I read about frameworks and study theoretical models with boxes and arrows. I listen to talks by other scientists and give some of my own.

But you know where I often learn the most? Other parents.

A few weeks ago, I was complaining to a mom friend about getting our children ready and out the door in the morning. It’s taking forever, everyone’s crying, by the time I start my day I’m ready to go back to bed…She then very kindly asked, Have you thought about waking everyone up 15 minutes earlier, so you’re not so rushed?2 Problem solved.

And then there was the recent time a friend was over with her kids. When it was time to leave, her 3-year-old son got upset due to a truck being left behind. As is my tendency, I started rushing in with solutions—he could bring the truck with him! We don’t need it! No rush for you to leave! She very calmly said to her son I get why you would feel that way. It’s hard to leave. Right.

We can learn a lot from scientific studies and theoretical models, but we can also learn a lot from the parents who are in it.

That’s why I’m excited about this study I published recently.3 It combines the best of both worlds (if I may say so myself): scientific rigor and advice from parents themselves.

What did you do?

My colleague Jen Wolff and I, along with many excellent collaborators and research assistants, recruited just over 100 parents and their young adolescents (ages 12 to 15).

We chose this age range because we know many kids are starting to use social media around that time (even if, in my opinion, it may be better to wait). This was especially true on the heels of the COVID pandemic, when we collected this data (2020 to 2021).4

The goal of the study was to get the lay of the land: what exactly are parents doing when it comes to their child’s social media use?

Parents and adolescents did a few things as part of the study:

• They participated in an “observational task.” The parent and child were given prompts to discuss (e.g., their beliefs about social media, rules and limits) and a time limit to discuss them on camera. Later, our team watched the tapes and coded their behaviors, like what they talked about and how they communicated.

• We interviewed a subset of them. We asked parents about how they manage their child’s social media use, what’s hard, and importantly, advice for other parents.

• For 15 days, they filled out short surveys everyday. For the parents, these surveys asked about strategies they used that day to manage their child’s social media use.

Okay…what are parents doing?

We asked parents about 5 basic strategies for managing their kids’ social media use:

1. Communication: conversations about social media

2. Limit-setting: creating and enforcing rules about social media

3. Technical mediation: using parental control software or tools

4. Co-use: engaging in shared activities on social media

5. Monitoring: supervising activities on social media (e.g., by following them on social media, or checking their phones)

We also asked them about modeling, or setting an example via their own social media use. Parents brought up other strategies, too, like redirecting attention, or encouraging their child to do something else (help cook, do homework) to replace social media use.

According to our daily surveys, 65% of parents said they used at least 4 of the 5 core strategies during the total 15-day period. On average, parents said they communicated with their child about social media on 9 out of 15 of the days, and set limits on 7 out of the 15 days.

A little less than half (44%) of parents said they used “technical mediation” at some point during the 15-day period.

Takeaway

Parents are using many different strategies (and various combinations of strategies) to manage their adolescents’ social media use. About half of the parents in our study were using some kind of parental controls, but nearly all were communicating with their kids about social media, and most were setting limits of some kind.

So, parents think this is easy?

Nope! Definitely not. In our interviews, parents noted many of the challenges of managing social media use.

Here are some of the barriers our participants brought up (with direct quotes):

• Leads to conflict: [My child has] gotten belligerent and yelled, screamed. He’ll have an outburst if you try to take it from him.

• Kids find ways around limits. Kids are pretty bright. Locking them out of things like I’ve done - she always seemed to get around it…so that backfired.

• Different houses have different rules. One challenge is that he spends weekends at my parents’ house, and they don’t enforce boundaries with social media.

• Lack of time for “co-use”: I don’t have time for this - to watch people do stupid stuff, like surfing videos and stuff. Like I don’t have time for social media.

• Hard to get conversations going: Now that he’s older, I kind of don’t really touch base on what he does online. Constant struggle of getting him off from being there too long is the bigger thing. We don’t really have conversations about it anymore.

• Technical issues with parental control software: There are tools like a parental app I was using..when I was on Samsung…when we switched to iPhone, it took that away. I tried using iPhone parental settings, but it wasn’t useful and we don’t use it.

Takeaway

If you are struggling with this, you are not alone! There’s just no way around it—managing kids’ tech use is hard for many families.

How exactly should I talk to my kid about this?

And now for my favorite part of the study. Many parents offered advice for communicating about social media. Here are some of their best tips:

• Provide rationale: Having kids understand why you’re setting particular boundaries like ‘I don’t want you accepting random follow requests because…’ For my kids it helps. If you tell someone you can’t do something, explain the ‘but why?’”

• Ask questions: I just ask what they’re watching and who they’re talking to. Sometimes I’ll end up talking to them because I want to know what’s going on.

• Encourage child to come to you: I just tell her to be honest with me if something’s wrong or if she has a question. If something’s wrong, she will show me, and I’ll try to fix it.

• Avoid judgment: The main thing that’s helpful is the relationship that you have - having that line of open communication. I try to create an environment where he can talk to me and not be ashamed or embarrassed.

• Talk about it, even if it’s uncomfortable. Communication is key. We’ve always talked about everything - even uncomfortable stuff that parents may not want to talk to their kids about…Being able to talk to them and have those conversations before someone else teaches them about it.

Interestingly, these tips were backed up by our other data. When we took a look at the video-recorded interactions between parents and their kids, we found that children seemed more likely to listen to their parent’s perspective on social media when parents did a few things:

• Talked about both benefits and risks of social media

• Provided a strong rationale for their perspective (i.e., offering the why behind their worries about social media)

• Listened to their child’s perspective, and encouraged their child to express their point of view

Takeaway

Ask your child questions about social media, and offer your own perspective, too. Try to talk about these issues, even if it gets uncomfortable.

Summing up

Here are Techno Sapiens, we love a complex statistical model, a lofty theoretical framework, a large-scale national survey or randomized controlled trial.

But you know what else we love? Getting back to basics. To me, that’s what this study offers. Insights offered by parents themselves: on what’s working, what’s not, and what’s hard about all of this.

Last week, we talked about the verdict of a recent legal trial finding social media companies liable for harm to a young user. This verdict is a reminder that, as parents, we’re operating in a system that often does not have our children’s best interests in mind. We’ve got the cars, our kids are driving them, but those cars don’t yet have seatbelts.

For many families, it may make sense to hold off on introducing social media, and when we do, this study offers a few things to keep in mind: Have regular conversations with our teens about it. Consider setting rules or limits: on time spent, content viewed, and online behavior. Try to listen to your teens’ perspective, and explain your rationale for decisions and rules.

And, of course, get advice from other parents when you can.

Are you a parent? What’s working for you when it comes to managing your child’s tech use? Let us know in the comments!

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8 min read (sorry! I tried to make it shorter!)

Last week, a jury found Meta and YouTube liable for harm caused to a teenager from using their products.

Here are answers to some of the most common questions I’ve been getting about it.

What happened?

Last Wednesday, the jury delivered their verdict in a landmark trial. A now 20-year-old woman (K.G.M.) sued Meta (including Instagram), TikTok, Snap, and YouTube,1 claiming that she became addicted to the products as a child, and developed mental health problems as a result.

This lawsuit involved a new legal strategy in cases directed at Big Tech companies: arguing that the companies caused personal injury through defective products.2

What exactly did the jury decide?

In a personal injury case like this one, the jury needed to determine that it is “more likely than not” that the defendant (i.e., the social media companies) were negligent. This means the jury agreed that:

1. The companies had a duty of care to protect kids from harm related to their products

2. The companies failed to do so by designing features they knew were harmful (e.g., infinite scroll, autoplay, beauty filters) and neglecting to warn people about them

3. This failure was a substantial factor in causing harm to K.G.M.

Why is this important?

This is the first time we’ve seen social media companies held liable for harms caused by their products. In the past, they have been shielded by Section 230, a law that protects online platforms from liability for the content people post. In this case, the plaintiff successfully argued that the design of the products themselves (i.e., the features) caused harm.

The companies will appeal the verdict, but if it holds, this will have major implications. There are thousands of other lawsuits following this same playbook slated to go to trial this year. As the financial penalties accumulate, the companies may be forced to make substantial changes to their products to protect young users.

It’s also worth noting that this verdict feels validating for many parents. This is likely most acute for those who believe their children were harmed or even died because of the platforms, many of whom have been advocating for change. For many parents, though, I think there is a sense that, finally, someone is recognizing that it can’t all be on them: the companies themselves need to take responsibility for kids’ safety, too.

Is this social media’s “Big Tobacco moment”?

Yes and no.

Yes, in that we’re seeing the beginnings of a similar legal strategy. The case against Big Tobacco also started with personal injury lawsuits that uncovered evidence of deception (i.e., knowing the product was harmful and hiding it), before moving toward larger class-action cases and, eventually, federal regulation.

No, in that social media and cigarettes are…not the same. Cigarettes have clear negative impacts on physical health for the vast majority of people who smoke them, with a “dose-response” relationship (the more cigarettes smoked, the larger the negative impact on health). There is no way to safely smoke cigarettes, for anyone. This is not the case for social media.3

Was the jury right? Does social media cause mental health problems?

A few years ago, I ran a study with adolescents experiencing suicidal thoughts in an inpatient hospital unit. Many of the patients I spoke to had complex histories of abuse, neglect, bullying, poverty, and other major stressors. Some of these patients used social media in totally benign, unremarkable ways. A few of them, though, were served with an endless feed of suicide-related posts and memes, some romanticizing or minimizing suicide. For those patients, it would be very hard to argue that social media did not contribute to their symptoms, even with everything else going on in their lives.

I absolutely believe that there are some young people out there for whom social media is one factor—among many—in causing or exacerbating symptoms.

So, for the plaintiff K.G.M., is it possible that these social media platforms were one such factor? Yes.

But there’s a “but”?

Of course there is.

Two of the first new vocabulary words you learn when becoming a child psychologist are: multifinality and equifinality.4

• Multifinality means that many different mental health outcomes can result from the same experience. For example, two children can experience the exact same circumstances, and one might develop depression, while one might be totally fine.

• Equifinality means that many different experiences can lead to the same outcome. For example, two children with entirely different backgrounds and experiences can both develop depression.

These reinforce a central truth about mental illness: it is idiosyncratic. Its causes differ between people, and for any one person, it is almost never the result of a single cause.

For that reason, I want us to be careful about what we take away from this trial when it comes to understanding causes of mental illness.

It is one thing to say that for some kids, social media is one factor contributing to mental health symptoms. It is another entirely to say that social media is causing mental health problems on a large scale. It is still the case that if you take an average, healthy teen and give them social media, this is highly unlikely to create a mental illness.

Let’s not lose sight of the whole picture, and the many other factors that contribute to mental health, too.

Are features like infinite scroll and auto-play really a problem?

Many social media platforms are designed to keep people, including children, using them for long stretches of time. We know this. If a child is faced with infinite scroll (i.e., a feed that never ends), or auto-play (i.e., videos that automatically play, one after another), they are going to spend more time on a platform than they would if those features did not exist.

Should platforms for children be designed this way? No! When designing products for children, tech companies should be prioritizing kids’ well-being. Social media features that prioritize time spent generally do not do this.

Where this gets complicated is in trying to tease apart the effects of features versus content. For example:

• If every video on TikTok was just me, wide-eyed and reading the statistical analysis portion of my dissertation,5 kids would not exactly be “hooked,” even if these videos auto-played or made up an endlessly scrollable feed.

• And if we got rid of every potentially “addictive” feature, but young people were still signing onto Instagram and seeing content that promotes eating disorders, this would be a problem.

These issues, in my opinion, do not mean the jury was wrong in finding the companies liable. It does, though, suggest caution in trying to develop meaningful solutions.

Are those features addictive?

There is, as we sapiens know, much debate in psychology about whether social media use (or, really, any non-substance using behavior outside of gambling) can be called an “addiction.”6

Here’s my current take. Are there a small number of people whose social media use is so extreme that it causes significant impairment in their lives, and they are unable to stop using it despite that impairment? Yes. And for those people, maybe addiction is the right word, maybe it’s not, but maybe, it doesn’t matter because it’s still a big problem.

For the vast majority of people (and kids) using social media, though, I do not think addiction is the right word to use. And I worry that by labeling the average kid’s use “addiction,” we are:

(1) ignoring the many different activities they might be doing on social media

(2) removing agency by suggesting that they are incapable of managing social media use, and

(3) pathologizing a behavior, rather than implementing reasonable measures—in our homes, schools, and the products themselves—to address it.

What does all of this mean for parents?

Despite the number of words you just read (skimmed7) about this trial, the answer is, actually, not much.

As I said, it makes sense that parents feel validated by the jury’s ruling: finally, it feels like someone is recognizing that parents cannot do this alone. At the same time, the outcome of this trial does not change the research. It does not change the facts.

The risks of social media that we’ve long known about are the same, and so are the basics. For example:

• If you know your teen is vulnerable, you may want to be extra careful.

• If your teen is using social media in moderation, and it does not seem to be affecting them negatively: it probably isn’t.

• For many families, it makes sense to delay introducing social media, and when you do, to go slow, with plenty of oversight.

• When it comes to our kids’ mental health, it’s important to keep the whole picture in mind. Social media may be one piece of the puzzle, but it’s certainly not the whole thing.

This verdict is a crucial moment to shape the conversation about kids and social media. I hope we can use it to come back to what we already know: these products require caution. Let’s be intentional about if and how our kids use them, and let’s hope this is a meaningful step toward change.

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• Standing outside, face turned up to the sky, acting like I’ve never seen the sun before

• Biscuits and grits. Cornbread. Butter.

• Zoom calls while hiding from my children2

• Lots of fun, new Techno Sapiens posts and collaborations

So, let’s round up the latest!

1. Stop using AI to lift your weights

The topic for this month’s Techno Sapiens coffee chat was Kids and AI. We had a fascinating conversation, and I’m still thinking about a metaphor we discussed. I first came across a version of this in ’s newsletter, but I’ve tweaked it slightly. Here it is:

When we think about how we use AI, and how we want our kids to use AI, we can think about the difference between going to the gym and putting away groceries. Both tasks involve lifting heavy things. In the case of the gym, though, the whole point is to lift the weights.3 In the case of the groceries, the point is, simply, that they’ve been lifted into the fridge. Generally, we want to use AI for grocery tasks, and not for gym tasks.

There is a larger point here for our kids (or students): we do not want AI to take the place of learning. And sometimes, learning requires struggle. It requires doing a task that is hard, or unpleasant, or repetitive, and which could easily be automated with a quick prompt of Gemini or ChatGPT. That said, we also need to be thinking about the types of tasks or assignments we give to students in school: are they true “gym” tasks? And if so, how do we convey that to students?

Note: monthly coffee chats are for paid subscribers only. The next one will be announced soon! If you’d like to join, please make sure to upgrade your subscription.

2. Humans first

Thank you all for the very kind messages in response to this recent post. I wrote about a scary experience I had with my daughter, and, as is my tendency, reflected on the intersection of humans and technology. In case you missed it, you can check it out below. ♥️

3. And we’re live!

Last week marked a Techno Sapiens milestone: our first ever Substack Live (aka live video).4 I joined of the excellent Wonder Tools newsletter for a conversation about our favorite tech tools as parents, how to think about screen time, my current research, and more.

Subscribe to Wonder Tools to learn about new, useful tech and how to make the most of it, and check out the full recording here:

4. Using phones around our kids

I spoke to about parent screen time, being present and intentional with our kids, and the “analog” experiences our kids might be missing.

About the conversation, Two Truths writers Kelsey and Cassie said:

Sometimes, the tech conversation can feel polarizing; advice can be fear-mongering. Nesi’s approach is not. When we asked her some of our most practical and pressing questions about parenting in a digital age, we found that her answers rooted us in intentionality and relief.

I hope you feel the same! Subscribe to Two Truths for timely news and powerful reflections on motherhood, and check out the full interview right here.

5. Beliefs about social media

I’ve become increasingly interested in the messages we send to young people about social media, and how their subsequent beliefs about it shape their behavior. In last week’s conversation with about his (New York Times bestselling!) book Beyond Belief, he articulated this perfectly:

…there’s a difference between saying: “This tool is powerful. You need skills to use it well,” and saying: “This tool is addictive. You are powerless to resist.” The first framing preserves agency. The second undermines it.

Belief affects what teens pay attention to in themselves, what they anticipate social media will do to them, and whether they feel capable of regulating their own behavior.

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Nir is the author of two bestselling books, Hooked and Indistractable, about the persuasive design of digital platforms and how to develop healthier tech habits. Now, he has a new book out called Beyond Belief: The Science-Backed Way to Stop Limiting Yourself and Achieve Extraordinary Results.

One of the most fascinating things I’ve learned in psychology is how powerful our beliefs are in shaping our emotions, behaviors, and experience of the world. So, this book—which is packed to the brim with actionable insights—was right up my alley.

I have a feeling (belief?) that you’ll love it, too.

You can check out Beyond Belief here.

Okay, I know we’re jumping right in here, but I think we need to start with the story of Daniel Gisler. My jaw hit the floor! Could you share the story, and why it’s important to the book?

Daniel Gisler was in a Swiss hospital having ankle surgery and he was fully conscious the entire time. That is, no anesthesia and no painkillers! He used something called hypnosedation, which basically relies on focused attention and guided belief to change how the brain processes pain.

During the surgery, his vital signs stayed stable and his reported pain remained manageable. What struck me when I first heard about this story was not just its novelty, but also the physiology behind it. His brain wasn’t “pretending” the pain away. The way his brain processed the experience had changed.

When I first read about that case, I was blown away and I knew I had to include it in my book Beyond Belief.

We often treat belief as a mental abstraction—something “soft” or philosophical. But belief has measurable biological consequences. It shapes how the brain interprets incoming signals. It changes what we notice, what we expect, and how we respond.

One of the key insights of the book, for me, was the idea that “beliefs are tools, not truths.” What does this mean?

Most of us treat beliefs as truths. We say things like, “I’m not disciplined,” or “I’m not creative,” and we rarely question them. They feel factual. But many of our most limiting beliefs are interpretations, which can be upgraded and updated.

But what I argue in Beyond Belief is that beliefs function more like lenses than verdicts. In the book, I discuss the Three Powers of Belief: belief shapes our attention, anticipation, and agency. That is, it shapes what we see. It shapes what we feel. And ultimately, determines how we act.

So when I say beliefs are tools, what I mean is this: the belief you hold will either expand or restrict those three powers.

If I believe I’m “bad at public speaking,” my attention goes to every mistake. I anticipate embarrassment. My agency shrinks and maybe I avoid opportunities to speak in public altogether. If I believe I’m learning to get better, I notice progress. I anticipate growth. I’m more likely to practice.

Crucially, the facts may not have changed dramatically. But the belief changes the system. So instead of asking, “Is this belief true?” we can ask, “What is this belief doing to my attention, my anticipation, and my agency?” That’s much more useful.

I’m running a study right now looking at how teens’ beliefs about social media influence the ways they use and respond to it. I’m curious, from your perspective, how the ways we talk about social media (and the beliefs we form about it) could be beneficial or harmful?

I love that question because it connects my previous work directly to this book. In my previous books, Hooked and Indistractable, I focused on how social media platforms are designed—how they capture attention, how variable rewards work, and how to build personal boundaries with our technology so that we don’t get distracted.

What Beyond Belief adds is a deeper layer. It asks: what do we believe about our relationship with these tools? Placebo and nocebo research show that expectations shape experience. If we expect something to help, it often does. If we expect harm, we’re more likely to experience it.

In the book, I talk about how repeated exposure to narratives about harm —especially online—can create what some researchers describe as a kind of digital nocebo effect. When people constantly encounter messages saying, “This is damaging you,” those expectations can influence how they interpret normal emotions or fluctuations.

Now, to be clear, that doesn’t mean social media has no downsides. In Indistractable, I’m very explicit that these platforms are powerful and require intentional use.

But there’s a difference between saying: “This tool is powerful. You need skills to use it well,” and saying: “This tool is addictive. You are powerless to resist.” The first framing preserves agency. The second undermines it.

Belief affects what teens pay attention to in themselves, what they anticipate social media will do to them, and whether they feel capable of regulating their own behavior. So I think the conversation matters enormously. We can acknowledge trade-offs without unintentionally amplifying helplessness.

What is one thing each of us can go out and do today to harness the power of belief in our lives?

One of the most powerful belief tools I came across while researching Beyond Belief is something that’s helped me most in my relationships. It’s called a “turnaround,” a technique developed by the author Byron Katie.

The idea is simple.

• When you’re suffering, write down the belief that’s driving the frustration. “She’s not listening to me.” “He doesn’t appreciate what I do.” “They’re being unfair.”

• Instead of arguing about whether that belief is true, you turn it around. “She’s not listening to me” becomes “I’m not listening to her.” Or “I’m not listening to myself.”

At first, it feels almost too simple. But when you actually sit with it, you often notice something surprising. The belief you were so certain about starts to loosen. Your attention shifts. You start seeing things you missed. I’ve found that running a turnaround interrupts the automatic story I’m telling myself. It creates space. And that space often improves the relationship more than winning the argument ever could.

That’s really what Beyond Belief is about. Not forcing yourself to behave differently. But examining the beliefs that determine what you see, how you feel, and ultimately, who you become.

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7 min read

When my daughter turned three weeks old, she started spitting up. Not the occasional dribbles I remembered from my other babies, but massive, full-throated exorcisms of barely-digested milk, spewing violently and without warning.

I brought her to the doctor on a Friday. Probably just bad reflux, they said, but let’s keep an eye on it.

The weekend brought more vomiting. We tried keeping her upright after she ate. We tried holding her all night instead of lying her flat. We tried switching to a hypoallergenic formula, which resulted in the same amount of vomit, but now smelling strongly of regurgitated cat food.

I, ever the scientist, started keeping a tracking log. I marked down the precise times she ate and vomited and kept detailed field notes. By Monday, the check marks in the “spit up” column had grown increasingly frequent—9, 10 times per day—and the notes more urgent. Extremely forceful. A LOT. Loud!!

I was starting to panic.

By Tuesday, we were back at the doctor. She had lost half a pound. Then I fed her, and on cue, she projectile-vomited on the shiny, tiled office floor. The pediatrician glanced up from my tracking log, the corners of her mouth turned down. She looked at the nurse in the way a person does when they’re trying to signal urgency without causing alarm.

We need to get her an ultrasound, she said. Today.

An hour later, we sat in an ultrasound room, a tiny probe resting on my daughter’s stomach. I gave her a bottle, and we watched on a screen as the formula trickled down her throat, into her stomach, and then…stopped. Vomit soon covered the ultrasound chair.

The diagnosis was clear, they said: pyloric stenosis. An abnormal thickening of the pylorus muscle, which prevents food from passing through the stomach, occurring in roughly 2 out of every 1000 infants.

We drove straight to the emergency room, constantly shifting our eyes to the rearview mirror to check on our baby, so tiny and helpless in her car seat. Then more tests, monitoring, and, due to her dehydration and minuscule veins, an IV placement that can only be described as harrowing.

Twenty-four hours later she was in surgery. The surgeon sat us down beforehand to explain the procedure: they’d go in laparoscopically, with three tiny incisions and a camera, and cut the thickened pyloric muscle. She’d be under general anesthesia, with a breathing tube inserted. The whole thing, he said, was incredibly routine. It would take less than an hour. He encouraged us to ask any questions. I, instead, wept silently.

As we sat in the waiting room, we received automated text alerts letting us know when the surgery started and, 45 minutes later, when it ended. The surgeon emerged with a photo of the inside of our daughter’s stomach. There it is! He said. All fixed. The tiny incisions were covered with a dab of medical glue—no stitches, no wounds.

We spent a few more days in the hospital. Our daughter was hooked up to beeping machines and recovering slowly, dressed in a tiny hospital gown covered in cartoon smartphones (a donation, apparently, from a major wireless company). We held our breath each time she ate, silently willing the food to stay down. Eventually, it did.

Then we went home, and she was totally, completely, fine. Apart from the tiniest pinpricks of scars, it was as if nothing had happened. There was no need for even a follow-up doctor’s visit. She was the picture of health.

What was 100 years ago a death sentence had been a routine procedure.

*******

The entire experience was, by all accounts, a feat of modern medicine. Identifying, via ultrasound imaging, a pea-sized muscle at the base of my daughter’s stomach. A suite of technological tools to monitor blood pressure, electrolytes, oxygen levels, heart rate. General anesthesia, a tiny laparoscopic camera, a cut to the muscle just a few millimeters wide. Text message alerts to update us throughout. And a full recovery just days later, with an imperceptible scar and a high-resolution photo of the abdomen to show for it.

It was a technological miracle.

And yet, when I think back on that time, the parts that stick with me have, actually, nothing to do with technology.

The parts that stick with me are the human ones.

The pounding in my chest and ringing in my ears as I explained to the doctors that something was wrong. The pleasant absurdity of attending my 4-year-old’s taekwondo lesson in the hour between the doctor’s visit and ultrasound. The suppressed urge, almost primal in its intensity, to grab my screaming daughter away from the nurses as they tried to place an IV. My husband and I hugging through tears, then hysterically laughing at the contents of his hurriedly-packed hospital bag (there was a single-serving blender?).

The calm, almost nonchalant face of the surgeon describing the procedure. The “oop!” of the post-op nurse, trying to swaddle my daughter around tubes and wires, while casually chatting about her own children. The wild oscillations between fear and relief.

The solid plastic of the chair beneath me as I clutched my sleeping baby to my chest, filled with a gratitude beyond anything I’ve ever felt.

*******

I spend a lot of time thinking about the intersection of humans and technology. You may have gathered that from the whole Techno Sapiens thing. My entire career has been dedicated to understanding how we use technology, how it helps and hurts us, how we might raise our kids to use it better.

In the hospital, the technology—of machines and surgeries and monitoring and text alerts and high-resolution images—was everything, and also, nothing. Its existence was so essential to the experience, the very basis for all of it, and yet somehow, nowhere near the heart of it.

Sometimes, I wonder if that is what it’s all about.

To live in a world where technology is everywhere, where each day we are surrounded by it, integrated with it. Where it is the very basis for how our modern lives function.

And in the midst of all that, to put our humanity at the center.

*******

So often, when we talk about our relationship to technology, we get caught up in the minutiae. How many minutes of screen time is optimal? Should we get our children a smartphone or a basic phone? A landline? A smartwatch? Is TV better than an iPad? Should we set those parental controls? Is this app educational? What age is right for social media? And these questions are good ones! They are tricky and important and worth thinking through.

It is so easy, though, to get caught up in those details. To debate those questions and so many others, with this research study and that statistical effect size, with parenting scripts and 5 rules for kids and tech.

Often, we’re so busy looking down, trying to decode an impossible map, that we forget what we’re aiming toward. We lose sight of our North Star, or maybe, we forget we have one in the first place.

Maybe that North Star is simpler than we expect, and maybe it goes something like: putting humans first.

Before we get caught up in the technology, in the right or wrong way of watching screens or handling devices, we take a step back. We think about what it means to be and raise a good person in this world. We stop and consider what they need to thrive as human beings, and how they can help others do the same.

*******

To embrace technology is fundamentally human, to innovate and to create. To build a system that can identify a pyloric muscle 2 millimeters too thick, or an Internet that connects every person in the world, or an AI model that talks just like us. It’s in our nature to advance, but also, to take it too far.

When it comes to our biggest problems, the technologies we build are so often both the solution and the cause.

The question, then, is how we want to be in that world. How to recognize when our technology is enhancing our humanity, and when it is taking it away. How to build technologies that improve our lives, save our lives, even—and as they do so, make way for the important stuff: the care and connection, the meaning and purpose, the holding a month-old baby to your chest and watching her tiny nostrils breathe air in and out.

How to navigate the strange and unbelievable and miraculous and exhausting thing it is to be and raise a human in this world.

I certainly don’t always get it right. But what I do know is that when I take a moment to reflect, when I put my phone down and look out into the world, I see my daughter.

And she is perfect.

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Here are a few ways the research on AI and kids is similar to potty training my 2 year old:

1. We’re in the very early stages. I mean, way too early. Like, if we don’t speed things up, AI research may not be able to attend summer camp.

2. I spend a lot of time complaining about the lack of progress.

3. We don’t really know what we’re doing. What questions should we even be asking? How do we define AI? Should we put on its pants?

4. We’ve got an incredibly fast moving target. AI is the fastest growing technology in history, and we’re desperately trying to catch up, frantically chasing it down while it runs away, naked from the waist down.

Well, I’m happy to share that, as of this week, we’ve made progress in one of those areas. Given that my 2 year old is still happily in diapers,1 I’ll let you guess which one.

Two new survey reports on young people and AI are out, offering new insights and much-needed information on the current state of AI use:

• We’ve got one nationally representative survey from Surgo Health and ,2 of 1,340 young people ages 13 to 24.

• And we’ve got another nationally representative survey, this one from Pew Research Center, of 1,458 teens (ages 13 to 17) and their parents.

Let’s hit the highlights!

1. What kind of AI user are you?

One of my favorite aspects of the Surgo Health data was their ability to segment young people into six distinct AI user types, based on how and why they reported using AI.

Even better? If you want to know what kind of AI user you (or your child) might be, you can take the short quiz right here.

[I am a “Worried Striver,” which feels a bit hyperbolic in my views toward AI—but maybe a little too accurate on my overall personality?].3

Here are the 6 types, along with the percentage of youth ages 13 to 24 in each type:4

1. Low-Use Anxious Skeptics (10%): Distrustful, keep their distance from AI due to uncertainty and fear of change

2. Thriving Light-Touch Pragmatists (32%): Well-supported, maintain a healthy but arms-length relationship with AI

3. Emotionally Entangled Superusers (9%): Emotionally vulnerable, use AI for connection and coping when offline support is limited

4. Worried Strivers (7%): High-pressured, anxious about the future of AI

5. Curious Low-Concern Learners (10%): Confident, socially grounded, use AI to explore and learn

6. High-Hope, High-Use Skill-Builders (10%): Optimistic power-users, feel AI is opening doors

2. How much are young people using AI, and for what?

Prior Pew data suggests about 3 in 10 teens (28%) use AI daily.

Similarly, Surgo Health reports nearly half (46%) of young people (ages 13 to 24) who are aware of AI use it at least weekly.

So, what are they using it for? Across both surveys, the top uses are to get information and to help with school or or work. Farther down the list are social and emotional support or casual conversation.5

Here’s the breakdown from Pew:

Notably, Surgo Health reports that AI often mirrors existing challenges or inequalities. Those teens who rely on AI for emotional or social support are more likely to have been bullied, face discrimination, or have low offline levels of support.

3. How much are teens using AI for schoolwork?

45% of teens do not use AI to help with schoolwork, but 1 in 10 (10%) say they use AI for all or most of their schoolwork, and 44% use it some or a little.

Unsurprisingly, a quarter of teens (26%) say AI is “extremely or very” helpful for completing schoolwork.

And what about cheating with AI? Teens believe this is happening regularly.

4. How do young people view AI?

According to Pew, teens tend to view AI’s impact on their own lives more positively than negatively. They’re a bit more negative on AI’s overall impact on society.

• 36% say AI will have a mostly positive effect on them, personally, over the next 20 years; only 15% say it will be mostly negative

• When it comes to society in general, 31% say the impact will be mostly positive and 26% mostly negative

Teens cite potential benefits, like making life better or easier, learning, and efficiency, but also negatives like over-reliance (leading to loss of critical thinking or creativity) and job loss.

Notably, Surgo Health reports that, among those who are aware of AI, 1 in 5 (21%) report never using AI. For the majority of these never-users, this is a deliberate choice. Some cite ethical concerns (e.g., 81% say AI is stealing other people’s work, 74% say it is bad for the environment), and some cite other concerns (e.g., 80% worry about becoming reliant on AI, 78% worry it can give wrong or unfair answers).

5. What do parents think?

According to the Pew data, parents know their teens are using AI, but some are underestimating: 51% say their teen has ever used AI (while 64% of teens say they actually have).

Parents are also split on whether they’re having conversations with their teens about AI. 54% say they talk with their teens about it, and 42% say they do not.

And how do parents feel about their teens using AI for different tasks? Here’s what they had to say:

Summing up

Taken together, I see a few key takeaways from this new data.

We’re beginning to see early evidence that AI is mirroring, and in some cases amplifying, kids’ existing, “offline” challenges. This is a similar pattern to what we’ve seen with other technologies, like social media. The kids who are most likely to be using AI for emotional support, for example, seem to be those with lower levels of social support in their “real lives.” And I would not be surprised if the kids who are relying heavily on AI for schoolwork are also those who are already struggling academically.

These are two areas of AI use—schoolwork and emotional support—that raise major concerns for many adults. In fact, this data suggests parents are most concerned about kids using AI to get “emotional support or advice.”

So, what should we do about this?

There are, of course, no easy answers. But this pattern—of vulnerable kids being at highest risk for AI’s downsides—suggests we need to be looking at the larger context of young people’s lives.

Our solution cannot simply be to tell kids “don’t use AI for advice!” or “don’t use it for schoolwork!” We need to be thinking about the many other factors in their lives that are leading them to do so. Do they have adequate social support? Do they feel socially connected? Do they have trusted adults and peers from whom they can get advice? Do they have the academic support needed to get their questions answered? Do they know when it is and is not okay to use AI for schoolwork (and is there a clear policy in place)? Do they understand why?

We’re still very early in understanding AI’s impact on young people and what to do about it, but this data is an important step.

Note: for more helpful resources on kids, teens, and AI, check out the Harvard Center for Digital Thriving’s Imagine AI portfolio for schools and Common Sense Media’s AI Literacy Toolkit for Families

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Sapiens: it’s the last week of February. Which means next time you hear from me, it will be March. Which means spring. Which means longer days, warmer weather, and, please, for the love of god, no more snow days. (Fingers crossed!)23

To finish out this (cold, never-ending) month,4 we’ve got a roundup of news and research. In particular:

• Updated screen guidelines from the AAP

• New data on people’s views of online age verification

• How to make and keep friends as an adult

1. New American Academy of Pediatrics Media Recommendations

From the people who brought you “an hour or less per day,” we’ve got…new screen time guidelines! The American Academy of Pediatrics updated its guidance last month, and the biggest change? No more emphasis on “screen time.”

Instead, we’ve got a much more comprehensive—and, admittedly, less straightforward—set of recommendations. Here’s the press release, the policy statement (which contains the actual recommendations), and, for the truly hardcore, the 36-page “technical report.” A few recommendations I’ll highlight:

For parents:

• Create a Family Media Plan

• Consider the 5 C’s of Media Use: child, content, calm, crowding out, and communication (I love these!)

• Create some device-free times and places in your home

For tech companies

• Create child-centered designs

• Include safety and privacy features as default settings for kids

• Differentiate child from adult users

For policymakers

• Invest in prosocial spaces outside of tech (e.g., community centers, green spaces, libraries, childcare)

• Fund child-centered media (e.g., PBS Kids,5 Sesame workshop)

• Regulate algorithmic promotion of sexualized and harmful content

These new guidelines more accurately reflect the research, and they recognize that the responsibility for healthy media use is not on parents alone. By necessity, this makes them a bit more complicated. It’s easier to understand “an hour a day” than “create a healthy digital ecosystem,” but that’s kind of the point. I think it’s a step in the right direction!

2. New data: What do people think of age verification?

Common Sense Media released yet another new research report this month and my first question is: what is happening over there? Are they writing these reports in their sleep? Common Sense Media Research Team, are you okay? Please advise.

Anyway, this one offers some key insights into parents’ views on age verification.

We’ve seen various policy proposals aimed at kids’ online activities—from banning social media to requiring certain protections for kids—but all of these proposals are contingent on determining whether a user is, in fact, a kid. This can be done using various methods, including platforms estimating users’ ages (based on, for example, the type of language they’re using or videos they’re watching), verification through IDs or other documentation, or self-report of age by users.

Some findings:

• 64% of adults think social media platforms should have age verification. The percentage who think other online services should have age verification is: 84% for pornography, 80% for gambling sites, 61% for gaming platforms with chat features, and 56% for AI companions

• The biggest concerns about age verification systems are related to privacy and data security: 80% of adults are very or somewhat concerned about companies permanently storing children’s age data

• 80% are very or somewhat concerned about children finding ways around age verification

3. How to make friends as an adult

On a more upbeat note: a very handy guide to making and keeping friends as an adult! This one comes from Catherine Pearson at The New York Times.

Some of my favorite tips:

• “Don’t wait, initiate.” Put yourself out there! Try to worry less about being a bit annoying, and more about actually getting plans on the calendar. Bug your soon-to-be or established friend with texts or calls to initiate plans.

• Find the right activities. If you’re not a drinker, grab coffee. If you like to be active, go for a walk or a workout. If you have kids, coach their soccer team together. You can also incorporate friendship into your existing activities—do errands or go to a gym class together.

• Make the effort. Plan topics you want to catch up on in advance (remember ‘topic prep’?), and text or call friends whenever you think of it, instead of waiting for the “right moment.”

Suspiciously absent from the list: start a newsletter and then, without their knowledge, decide that your readers are also your friends.

See you next week, sapiens!

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Last week marked the first trial in a wave of lawsuits accusing social media platforms of causing addiction in teen users.

Here’s what you need to know—and my take on it all.

What’s happening?

Meta (including Instagram), TikTok, Snap, and YouTube have been sued by thousands of individuals, as well as many school districts and states. This year, a number of these cases will go to trial. They’ll act as bellwether cases, or “test cases” to determine how to process the many remaining, similar lawsuits.

These trials are important because they involve a new legal strategy: arguing that the companies caused personal injury through defective products.

The first trial started last week. It involves a 20-year-old woman (K.G.M.) claiming that she became addicted to social media platforms as a child, and developed mental health problems as a result.

What are the plaintiff’s lawyers arguing?

The plaintiff (i.e., the person suing the tech companies) and her lawyers are arguing that social media companies intentionally designed their products to be addictive to children. They point to features like endless scroll, auto-play, and beauty filters as examples of design choices that prioritized kids’ platform engagement (and subsequent ad revenue) over their safety or well-being.

They’re drawing parallels to the tobacco industry, arguing that the companies deliberately tried to addict young users despite knowing their products could be harmful to them. In his opening statement, a lawyer for the plaintiff argued that the case was “as easy as ABC” which stands for “addicting the brains of children.”1

This idea—that the problem is with the companies’ design choices, rather than the content—is critical to the argument because of free speech laws and Section 230, a law that protects online platforms from liability for the content people post.

What are the tech companies arguing?

A few things. First, they’re questioning the legitimacy of “social media addiction,” arguing for a lack of scientific and medical consensus around the clinical (and legal) definition. For example, head of Instagram Adam Mosseri testified this week that the product is not “clinically addictive.”2

Second, the companies are pointing to their safety features, arguing that they have put protections in place for younger users, such as restricting adult content on teens’ accounts and muting notifications at night.

Third, they’re arguing for a lack of proof that their products significantly harmed users. For example, in this first trial, they are attempting to show that their products were not a major factor in KGM’s mental illness, which includes anxiety, depression, and body image issues. To do this, lawyers are citing medical records and testimony from a former therapist, showing that social media was not a primary focus of treatment and that there were other contributors to her mental health challenges (e.g., emotional abuse, bullying).

And, of course, they are pointing to the protections afforded to them by Section 230, arguing that they cannot be liable for the content of their platforms.3

My take

Alright, first things first: I am a clinical psychologist. I am not a legal scholar. My experience with understanding how trials work is limited to my own personal reading and the TV show Jury Duty.4 However, I do have expertise in the research on social media’s impact on youth mental health, and (surprise!) I have opinions.

Here are some facts I believe to be true. Social media has caused harm to some teens. For some, social media has been a factor, among many, in contributing to mental health issues. Some are using social media so much that their use would be considered “problematic” or, depending on your semantics of choice, “addictive”—getting in the way of other activities, very difficult to control, unable to stop using it despite it negatively impacting their relationships or mood.

Here are some other facts I believe to be true. There is academic debate about whether the term “addiction” should be applied to social media. The ABC argument (“addicting the brains of children”) may be helpful to the case, but I do not think it’s reflective of the science. Mental health issues are complex and almost always the result of multiple factors, rather than a single cause.

I do believe that social media companies have put some protections in place for minors, but these have mostly been in recent years, and have rarely been enough (here’s a full timeline of safety features from Meta). I also believe that there have been cases in which the companies have prioritized engagement (and profits) over teens’ well-being.

If these cases hinge on proving that the platforms caused capital-a Addiction, this may be a problem. If we’re anchoring to this specific term, it’s easy to argue that the waters are muddy, the definitions unclear, the science unsettled.

Alternatively, if the plaintiffs can successfully argue that the platforms were a substantial (if not the only) factor in contributing to a child’s depression or anxiety, the jury may agree.

For years, the debate about social media’s impact on youth has been tangled up in competing and imprecise definitions, and in selective framing of the research to fit desired narratives. These trials seem to be a logical extension of that, and now, with the fate of social media companies resting on them, the stakes are higher than ever.

Paid subscribers: have more questions? Or ideas you’d like to share? Join our paid subscriber chat. I’ll be answering questions all week!

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I am a huge fan of Jennie’s first book Never Enough, so I was thrilled when her team reached out with her latest book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose.

I loved it, and, not surprisingly, it seems a whole lot of other people do, too. Last week, it was named a New York Times bestseller, and as I was preparing this post, you know what showed up on my Instagram feed? Jennie talking to Oprah. Oprah! And now she’s here!

A big thank you to Jennie for her insights, and for writing a book that aims to make all of us (and the world) a little bit better.

You can find it here.

Let’s start with the basics: what is mattering? How is it different from other “well-being” concepts, like self-esteem or belonging?

Mattering is the experience of feeling valued by family, friends, colleagues, and society, and knowing you add value back. Psychologists have been studying mattering for decades and describe it as a meta-need, an umbrella term that captures other needs like connection, belonging, and purpose, while also going beyond each of them.

Self-esteem asks, “How do I feel about myself?” Belonging asks, “Am I included?” Mattering goes further, “Do I count—and do my actions make a positive impact on the world around me?”

That distinction turns out to be critical. For example, we can belong to a class, a workplace, a book group, or even a family, and still feel like we don’t matter to the people in that group. Mattering offers us the social proof that we crave, the knowledge that we and our actions make a difference to the group.

We talk a lot at Techno Sapiens about kids and technology (screens, social media, smartphones, AI), and I’m wondering how you see “mattering” in that context. Does technology help or hurt?

Technology is not inherently harmful. It reflects, amplifies, and magnifies the culture we are living in. At its best, it can support mattering by helping young people express themselves and find a community of people who genuinely care about them. When digital tools are used to strengthen real relationships to maintain friendships, they can support well-being.

The problems arise when technology becomes a replacement for deeper relationships and a distraction from the daily signals of mattering. Screens, by their nature, pull our attention away from these cues. For children and teens, technology can blur the difference between interaction and what a nourishing relationship feels like.

Social platforms are designed to deliver feedback, such as likes, views, and comments, but feedback is not the same as mattering. Mattering requires investment. It’s the sense that someone would notice if you were gone, would worry if you were struggling, and would support you through setbacks. Digital affirmation is fast, but it is shallow

It can also hollow out the critical parent-child relationship. When a child is talking, and we glance down at a phone, those small moments can accumulate into a feeling of being less important than whatever is happening on the screen.

When we put down our devices during meals, conversations, or moments of connection, we are sending a clear signal that you matter more than the outside world. In a culture saturated with distraction, attention is a critical way to tell someone how much they matter to us. As theologian David Augsburger puts it, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”

How can parents encourage a sense of mattering in their kids?

From the moment they are born, children are wired to connect. Children are constantly gathering evidence about their worth, and they take their cues from us. When a caregiver responds to a child or teenager with warmth, the child learns their first and most foundational lesson: I am seen. I am important. Feeling valued is built into these everyday exchanges.

In the whirlwind of parenting—diapers, homework, carpools, endless questions—it’s easy to underestimate how formative these small moments are. But the way you look up when they enter a room, the way you listen to their stories (even when they are long!), the way you reassure them that they are enough just as they are, all shape a child’s sense of self.

As children grow, mattering deepens when they see they can add value, that they’re needed at home, school, and in their wider world. Being counted on through age-appropriate chores, helping a sibling, contributing at school, or supporting a friend reinforces the message that they are capable of making a positive difference.

You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You don’t have to get it right every time. What matters most is that, over time, your child comes to know deep inside that they are valued, that they are needed, and that they have something meaningful to offer the world

What is one thing each of us can do today to cultivate mattering in our lives?

Children also learn about mattering by watching how adults treat themselves. When parents protect friendships, tend to their own needs, and make room for meaning and rest, they show children how to matter to themselves. This idea can feel countercultural in a society that tells parents, especially mothers, that a “good mother” puts everyone’s needs before their own.

What I’ve come to realize in studying mattering over these past seven years, is that if I want to be a sturdy adult for my children, I need to care for myself—that self-care is actually other care. So now, in the morning, I ask myself, “What small need do I need to meet today so I can show up as my best self for the people who depend on me?”

It might be a walk, a long conversation with a friend, or asking for help with something I usually do on my own. Meeting one small need is how we stay sufficiently resourced to be present and generous with the people who rely on us.

Our brains are wired to remember what went wrong—what psychologists call a negativity bias. I’ve found that a simple 30-second prompt can help override that tendency and help us feed our sense of mattering.

At the end of the day, I ask myself two questions:

(1) Where did I feel valued today? and

(2) Where did I add value today?

These two prompts can help us focus on and connect with the good in ourselves and others.

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Loot boxes. Skin cases. Gacha pulls.

If you (like me) are not the parent of an adolescent boy, these phrases may sound like components of a very unpleasant skincare routine.1

Luckily, Common Sense Media is here to clarify things for us. This week, they released a new, nationally-representative survey on boys ages 11 to 17 called Betting on Boys: Understanding Gambling Among Adolescent Boys.2

It turns out, these phrases refer to elements of video games in which players can earn random, chance-based rewards (like a slot machine)—and as we’ll learn, they’re common in games popular among adolescent boys.

I’ve been waiting for new research on gambling and the “gamblification” of gaming. We know this is happening, but until now, we have not had a good, up-to-date sense of where, how, and how much it is happening.

So let’s dive in.

Why study teen gambling now?

A few factors have changed the environment around gambling in the past decade:

• In 2018, the Supreme Court voted to allow states to legalize online sports betting

• This led to an explosion of sports betting platforms, including apps like FanDuel and DraftKings, which are easily accessible and frequently advertised on social media and streaming platforms3

• At the same time, gaming platforms (like Fortnite and Roblox) have increasingly incorporated gambling-like features (e.g., loot boxes), which can blur the line between games and gambling

What counts as “gambling” and how much are kids doing it?

A total of 36% of boys ages 11 to 17 have gambled in the last year. This includes half (49%) of 17-year-old boys.

The report outlines three types of gambling:

• 23% of boys have engaged in online gaming-related gambling. This could include:

  • Exchanging real money for random rewards (e.g., loot boxes, gacha)

  • Trading or betting using in-game items that were purchased with real money (e.g., “skins”)

• 12% have engaged in traditional gambling. This could include:

  • Poker (online or in person)

  • In-person betting with friends for real money

  • Online gambling sites with real money

  • Digital or physical lottery or scratch-off tickets

• 12% have engaged in sports gambling. This could include:

  • Season or tournament contests for money (e.g., March Madness, fantasy leagues)

  • Sports betting using an app

Where are kids learning about gambling?

From friends

• Peer influence is strong when it comes to gambling. 84% of boys whose friends gamble do too, compared to just 17% of those whose friends do not gamble.

In advertisements

• A significant number of boys are coming across gambling ads (e.g., for sports betting apps) both online and offline:

From social media algorithms

• Among boys who gamble, 45% report seeing online gambling content sometimes or often

• 59% of those say this content “just started showing up in [their] feed”, whereas only 14% say they sought it out

Inside of games

• In many cases, gambling-like activities are simply built into games. Among boys who gambled in the past year, 54% reported they exchanged real money for chance-based rewards in games4

Why does this matter?

For some boys, and some gambling activities, there is likely nothing to worry about. As the researchers highlight: “Fantasy sports leagues, March Madness brackets,5 or small, friendly bets with peers often operate as social, community-building activities. Boys in our interviews commonly described these events as fun, friendly competitions with low stakes, often facilitating bonding with friends, teammates, or family members.”

At the same time, it’s important to recognize a larger online ecosystem where gambling is normalized, even from a very young age, and where boys may be targeted with gambling content and activities before it’s developmentally appropriate.

In most cases, gambling is illegal among minors. The case of gambling activities within games, however, is a bit of a loophole. Adolescents may use their own or a parent’s (real) money to purchase a loot box. Or they might buy an in-game item, like a “skin,” and then use this item as currency to bet on an esports game. For most boys, this might be fine, but for some, it can be problematic.

A total of 27% of boys who gamble report negative effects, like stress or conflict.

The researchers offer important suggestions for policymakers, including strengthening age verification, restricting gambling advertising to youth (following the example of the alcohol industry), and requiring limitations on gambling-like features in games for youth.

What should parents do?

This is one of those areas where I think the research (and therefore, guidance for parents) has really lagged behind the behavior.

In some cases, parents are totally unaware of the gambling-like activities within popular games, or that their children are being targeted with ads for sports betting apps.

Among the boys surveyed here, 59% reported having ever talked to their parents about gambling—which leaves a lot of families who have not known whether or how to have these conversations.

Here are some excellent suggestions from the researchers to get started:

• Start conversations early. For example, you might ask your tween gamer “Have you ever bought a loot box or mystery item in a game? What did you get?”

• Recognize gambling in its many forms. Get to know the games your son is playing, and the apps they are using. Ask them to explain them to you.

• Set clear rules and monitor access. Establish spending limits for games and in-app purchases, and require permission before any real money gambling or game spending.

• Pay attention to peer influence. Get to know your son’s friends and whether they’re engaging in gambling behaviors.

• Watch for warning signs. If your son has lost serious amounts of money or is showing other signs of problematic gambling behavior, talk to a healthcare professional.

For more, here’s the full report from Common Sense Media: Betting on Boys: Understanding Gambling Among Adolescent Boys.

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7 min read

This week, and published new research suggesting that social media is causing significant harm to adolescents. Also this week, news outlets reported on a recent study of over 25,000 U.K. adolescents showing that the time adolescents spent on social media had no impact on their mental health over time.

What is going on here? Why does this keep happening? Why does it feel like this debate is going in circles?

I have a theory.

We’re too focused on mental health

For years, the debate about social media’s impact on adolescents has been largely framed around questions of mental health.

There’s the historical question: Did the introduction of social media in the 2010s cause the rise in adolescent mental health issues? And the contemporary question: Is social media bad for adolescents’ mental health?2

Now, I obviously care a whole lot about mental health. That’s my whole job! I can think of few things more important to our society than supporting kids’ mental health, and much of my career has been devoted to answering those questions.

But here’s the issue: these questions are very hard to answer. The first concerns population-level, historical trends, which are incredibly difficult to prove with the research methods we have available to us.

The second is so vague that it’s barely useful: asking whether anything is “bad” for “mental health” is going to get you a big, fat “it depends,” because that’s how mental health works. It is complicated, and different for every child, and depends on lots of other factors.

When it comes to evaluating social media’s impact on kids, these are not actually the first questions we need to answer.

So, what’s the problem?

By framing the conversation about social media entirely around mental health, I’m concerned we’ve done ourselves a disservice.

We’ve created a situation where proof is difficult, if not impossible, to come by. We’ve delayed action—by lawmakers, schools, parents, and others tasked with doing what’s best for our kids—because we’ve been stuck, forever continuing that search for proof.

And we’ve distracted ourselves from the obvious issues with social media that are right in front of us.

What are these “obvious issues”?

Here are just a few of them:

• Too much time. 45% of teens say they spend too much time on social media, and a quarter (24%) of girls who use TikTok say it gets in the way of their sleep every night. When teens (and adults!) regularly say they spend more time than they want to on a platform, this, in itself, feels like a problem to me.

• Contact by strangers. The majority of girls who use Instagram (58%) and Snapchat (57%) say they’ve been contacted by a stranger on these platforms in ways that make them uncomfortable.

• Suicide- and eating disorders-related content. Roughly 4 in 10 girls who use social media say they’re seeing this content monthly or more.

• Unwanted sexual advances. According to Instagram’s own internal research,3 13.9% of teens (ages 13-15) said they received “unwanted sexual advances” on the platform in the past week, with 93.8% of those from strangers.

• Unwanted nudity. Also according to Instagram, 19.2% of teens said they encountered unwanted nudity on the platform in the past week.

• Violent content. 65% of adolescent boys say they see content related to fighting, guns, or weapons at least sometimes.

• Betting or gambling content. 43% of boys say they see content related to gambling or betting activities at least sometimes.

Of course, many of these problems will be relevant, in some way, for teens’ mental health. But here’s the thing: harm to mental health does not need to be our threshold for whether something is wrong.

How do we decide if something is wrong?

There are many situations where we have decided—both from a regulatory perspective, and, simply, as a society establishing cultural norms—that children or teens would be better off not doing something, even if it has nothing to do with harming their mental health.

Sometimes this comes from concern about children’s judgment or cognitive development: voting, opening a bank account, making medical decisions, signing legal contracts.4

Sometimes it’s about what we deem appropriate for children: working a full-time job, owning a gun, going to nightclubs, drinking alcohol.

Could these things affect a child’s mental health? Certainly. But when we’re deciding whether they’re appropriate, that is generally not the litmus test.

The wrong litmus test

The problem with “mental health” as the litmus test is not only that it’s hard to prove, but also that it’s poorly defined.

When psychologists say “mental health,” they often have specific diagnoses or disorders in mind—mental health is the absence of “mental illness.”5 When my friend talks about her mental health, she might be referring to her mood, or the fact that she’s tired today, or the benefits of watching Heated Rivalry.

Depending on who’s saying it, “mental health” can be as narrow as a set of DSM criteria, or as broad as a negative feeling.

To level set, as I’ve written before, I actually do believe social media likely played some role in the rise in mental health issues we’ve seen in adolescents, though I do not think we have strong evidence proving this theory. I also believe that for more vulnerable teens, it’s possible that social media could be a factor contributing to mental health concerns. But for the majority of teens, using social media will not suddenly cause the onset of a mental illness: most average, healthy teens, with appropriate boundaries in place, are going to be just fine.

And this is where we run into problems. Our messaging about the harms of social media does not emphasize specific risks. It does not offer accurate, balanced information about the likelihood and severity of harm.

Instead, it offers fear and panic. “Mental health” becomes a conveniently vague, broad, and scary term on which to project our fears about social media. It’s destroying the children! We can shout from the rooftops. It’s BAD for their MENTAL HEALTH!

This does not help anyone.

Where do we go from here?

If the debate about social media and adolescent mental health seems like it’s going in circles, well, that’s because it is. We have one side arguing that social media is destroying adolescents’ mental health. We have the other side, shaking their heads, arguing mental health is complicated, and pointing out flaws in the studies.

The sides are talking past each other. One reason for this, I’d argue, is our framing of the debate. When our entire focus is on some vague notion of “mental health,” we forget to look at the obvious issues in front of us.

Instead of offering parents accurate information and realistic guidance, we scare and confuse them.

Instead of protecting kids from unwanted sexual advances and content rabbit holes, we offer them ominous warnings that these tools are bad for their mental health.6

Instead of taking action, we get stuck arguing about effect sizes and causal mechanisms, and social media companies continue operating unchecked.

It’s time we changed the framing of this debate. We do not need scary proclamations and vague discussions of “mental health.” We need specific and accurate information on the potential harms of these platforms. We do not need to exaggerate. We do not need to be afraid.

We need to look at the problems in front of us, and get started on fixing them.7

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More on social media and mental health:

• Techno Sapiens ultimate guide to teens, phones, and mental health (start here!)

• Debates about social media and kids’ mental health are getting us nowhere

• Making sense of The Anxious Generation

• Should social media have a warning label?

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What did you think of this week’s Techno Sapiens? Your feedback helps me make this better. Thank you!

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15 min read

Last year, I published a list of screen-free activities for kids. Creating that list involved extensive research: Googling and ChatGPT-ing, scouring Reddit threads, asking friends, testing out various art projects and games in my own house, etc. At the time, I thought to myself, Isn’t this a bit excessive? What kind of person puts this much effort into a simple list of children’s activities?

Well, over the past year, I have confirmed that this kind of person is me. My research has continued. I’ve taken the original list and expanded, revisited, and revised it. I’ve tested out new activities, polled all of you (thank you!),1 and spent far too many hours in the trenches of crafting blogs and playroom cabinets.

And now, I’m pleased to share the culmination of my research in this dissertation post. There is a lot here, so I recommend saving it to revisit as needed.

Please step into my office!

A few reminders

• Screens are okay! Remember, there is nothing inherently wrong with screens. In fact, in my opinion, those dark, cold, winter hours can be a great time to use them. However, if you’re looking to cut back on TV or phone time, get out of a screen time rut, or simply find other activities to fill the time, this list is for you.

• This list skews toward younger kids (under 6), but many activities would work for older kids, too.

• In order to make the list, activities needed to be relatively simple. This includes a zero-tolerance policy on: (1) glitter and (2) other small items you’d dislike finding between your toes.

• This list is not meant to suggest that you need to be constantly entertaining your children. It’s okay for them to be bored. It’s also great for them to play independently! Some ideas on this list are designed to facilitate that.2

Ultimate list of screen-free activities

Outdoor activities

1. Get the kids ready to go outside. This counts as an activity in itself. If cold, layer on warm clothes. Hand and foot warmers help, too. If dark, consider kid flashlights, color-changing kid headlamps, and/or reflective vests. If rainy, I’d recommend one-piece rain suits. Are they necessary? Probably not. But my God, they are adorable.

2. Go for a walk.3 Some ideas to spice it up:

   1. A neighborhood scavenger hunt. Create a list of things for kids to find in the neighborhood, and let them check them off (with a pen, stamp, or sticker) as they go. The combination of ChatGPT and a home printer has really revolutionized this for me.

   2. A bird-watching walk. We (I) love the Merlin Bird ID app, and we are not ashamed to admit it.

   3. A “counting” walk. Grab one of these click counters and let the kids count every tree, squirrel, stop sign, etc.4

   4. Bike, scooter, roller blades—whatever gets your kids moving. If you want to get moving while the kid(s) sit, consider a bike with a trailer or kid seat, or a jogging stroller.

   5. Aim for a destination. Sometimes kids (and adults) like to have a goal in mind. Maybe a friend’s house for a surprise hello, a nearby park or coffee shop, or just the stop sign at the end of the road.

   6. Play “I spy” as you go. This one rarely fails me.

3. Find space. Head to a local park, playground, open field, beach, empty parking lot, or other available space.

4. Repurpose the garage. If you have a garage, clear it out and turn it into an “open gym” with toys, hula hoops, bikes, etc.

5. Use the patio. If you have a patio or deck, make sure it is secure and put some toys out there.

6. Watch the ISS. Sign up for alerts to find out when the International Space Station is passing by, and go outside to see it!

7. National parks. If you live near one, check out the Junior Ranger program for kids. Local nature centers and state parks are great options, too.

Activities that double as chores

The key is letting go of any expectation that these activities will be useful to you. For kitchen activities, it can help to have a standing tower or stool of some kind (we have this one).  

1. Cook together. Have your child “help” make a meal. Grab a cutting board and toddler knife, and give them something soft to chop. Anything that involves sorting or picking leaves off a stem (e.g., kale, basil) is great, too. We also have this fun little doohicky for cutting grapes and cherry tomatoes.

2. Vacuum the floor. If your children are anything like mine, they will vacuum until their arms fall off and/or they break the vacuum by ramming it into the couch. Dustbusters are a nice middle ground.

3. Clean the car. If it’s cold, stick with vacuuming the inside. If warm, there’s truly nothing better than a hose and bucket car wash.

4. Dishes. Have them “wash dishes.” Stay away from glass.

5. Pack lunch. Pack their school lunches together.

6. Laundry. Let them pair up socks, switch clothes from the washer to the dryer, or help put clothes in drawers.

7. Clean up toys. A quick tip to make this go more smoothly: after telling them to clean up, spend a couple minutes enthusiastically describing their cleaning behaviors (“You’re putting Georgette5 into the basket!” “You’re collecting your crayons!”) In the parenting research world, this is called “attending” and it does tend to work, though you will feel silly.

8. Tidy up scavenger hunt. Scavenger hunt around the house to pick up laundry to put it in the basket, or trash to put in a bag.

9. Wipe down surfaces. Give your child a spray bottle (maybe best to fill it with water and point away from the eyes) and a towel. Go to town on kitchen counters, sinks, etc.

At-home activities (higher energy)

When you want to stay inside, but you also need your children to burn off some energy.

1. Build a fort. Create a fort or play area with couch cushions, blankets, pillows, etc. If you have an extra crib mattress or exercise mat, get these involved, too. Recently, the team at Nugget kindly sent us a Nugget couch and, let me tell you, it has really upgraded our fort building (see above).

2. Play hide and seek. A classic! Walkie talkies can be fun here, too.

3. Climbing equipment. If you have the space (and money), the Internet is full of cryptically-named wooden structures like the “Pikler Triangle” and “Swedish Ladder.” A number of sapiens recommended various indoor play gyms, and now I’m tempted! Here’s a list of some good options.

4. Other play equipment. The Internet is also full of less cryptically-named plastic structures like mini slides (we have this one) and ball pits.

5. A stair slide! Exactly what it sounds like: a slide that goes over the stairs (like this one). Apparently, these go fast, so you’ll want some cushioning at the bottom. And supervision.

6. A mini trampoline. Tell them you’ll count how many times they can jump and then let them loose.

7. Bubble-wrap. Also a good surface for jumping.

8. A pop-up tent. Endless entertainment and pretend play options. Same with a cardboard playhouse like this one.

9. Have a dance party! Older kids might also like learning and/or teaching younger siblings dance routines. Or play Freeze Dance!

10. Create an obstacle course. Lots of at-home items will work for this: pillows or towels to jump over, tape on the floor as a “balance beam,” etc.

11. Hopscotch. Another great use of painters tape on the floor.

12. Dress up. Save those Halloween costumes! I came downstairs this morning to find Chase (from Paw Patrol) eating a bagel.

13. Basketball. Anything soft or round, combined with any vessel (laundry basket, trash bin, a corner of the room), works wonders.

14. Scavenger hunts. Go searching for items of a certain type in the house (e.g., anything red, things that start with the letter “c”). I’ve rebranded this as the “Treasure Hunt Game”: I sit on the couch, tell my kids to go hunt for a certain item and bring it back to me, and repeat.

15. PlasmaCars. My kids love these things for both indoor and outdoor use. Note: this was also the most-clicked item of last year’s list! Please weigh in if you’re now the proud owner of one.

16. Baths (with toys). If your children are anything like mine, this counts as a “higher energy” activity.

17. More baths. Recommendations from sapiens have convinced me that we’re underutilizing baths at my house! Suggested bath items include: cups, plastic test tubes, eye droppers, measuring cups, and various light-up toys.

18. Puppet shows. Repurpose those giant Amazon boxes! Cut a big hole in it to create a puppet theater. Socks, paper bags, and stuffed animals all make great puppets.

19. Balloon volleyball. Or, if your kids are Bluey fans, “keepy uppy.”

20. Rough-housing. I generally let my husband handle this one. Some of my kids’ favorites: “spins” (kids lie face-up on the ground, you spin them), “throws” (you throw them in the air), wrestling (I recently heard my son request a “single leg takedown”), tickling.

21. Cosmic Kids Yoga on YouTube. Yes, this is screen time, but it’s also fun and active! If your kids, like mine, simply sit down and watch instead of following along, a better option might be yoga cards like these.

22. Stopwatches. Endless uses for these things in our house. Time a quick lap around the house, how long it takes them to get dressed, how many jumping jacks they can do in a minute, etc.

23. Gymnastics bar. Our most-used Christmas gift this year. Just make sure to put a thick mat or cushion underneath.

24. Pretend play. Some current favorites: pretend restaurant and coffee shop,6 doctor’s office, and car racing.

25. Simon Says. Turn this into a high-energy game by assigning yourself “Simon” and telling the kids to do jumping jacks, pushups, fast feet, a lap around the house, etc.

At-home activities (lower energy)

There may be no such thing as a “lower energy” activity with little kids, but here are some more sedentary options.

1. Free art. Gather some supplies, and let them go wild. A few useful items: Paper, kid scissors, popsicle sticks, felt, pipe cleaners, pompoms, glue sticks, tape, washable paint, markers, crayons, colored pencils, and things to paint that are not paper (e.g., cardboard boxes, tubes, rocks, pinecones, etc.)

2. Giant coloring. Cover an entire table with a roll of paper or giant coloring sheet and let them get to work.

3. AI-generated coloring pages. Tell ChatGPT (or another AI program) to create personalized coloring pages depicting whatever you’d like. Print and go!

4. Easy crafts. A few doable craft ideas:

   1. Paper planes (you can also make a target to throw them at)

   2. Popsicle stick “bookmarks”

   3. Postcards. Decorate them and send to family and friends!

   4. DIY instruments (e.g., empty tissue boxes with rubber bands around them, jar with dried beans in it)

   5. Origami (good for slightly older kids)

   6. Friendship bracelets and beading (also good for older kids)

   7. Thank you cards. Cover with stickers and drawings and deliver them in person. Would also work for “get well soon,”7 “congratulations,” or “thinking of you” cards.

5. Clay-like things. I cannot believe how much my children love these. Options include: Kinetic sand, Play-Doh, Monkey foam, Floof (I promise you, I am not making up these names), Silly Putty (or its rebranded cousins, slime and “thinking putty”). Throw some Play-Doh molds, cups, popsicle sticks, small trucks, and other accessories in, too.

6. Screen-free listening. If your kids love stories or music, there are many good options.

   1. Yoto Player. Yoto sent my kids their screen-free listening device, which works by inserting cards, and they love it! My 4-year-old has never met a story card he didn’t like (Paw Patrol, Daniel Tiger, Mickey Mouse, etc.). My 2-year-old loves putting the cards in and out, and occasionally leaves Elmo in there long enough to sing along.

   2. Toniebox. Another great screen-free audio player, which works by placing small characters on top. Slightly less portable than the Yoto, but may be easier to handle for younger kids [though my 2-year-old still spends most of the time happily putting the characters on and taking them off].

   3. Kids podcasts. Some sapien-approved options (via this chat): Brains On podcasts, Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic, Circle Round, Girl Tales, Greeking Out, Forever Ago, The Arthur Podcast, and, more generally, KidsPod, a podcast app for kids (which parents can play from their phones). Here’s also good list of podcasts for kids from Common Sense Media.

7. Games. Some good options for younger kids: First Orchard, Don’t Break the Ice, Hungry Hungry Hippos (or, as my 4-year-old used to call it, “the one the baby can’t eat”), Kid charades, Card games like Go Fish, chess or checkers.

8. Building toys. Magna-Tiles, DUPLO (for younger kids) or LEGO (for older kids), gear toys (like these). My kids are also loving these magnetic building cubes.

9. Bubbles! We like these no-spill containers. If you want to go all out, consider a bubble machine. (Note: depending on how many bubbles you’re working with, you may want to bring this outside).

10. Baking. For young kids, I use this term generously. Aim for minimal ingredients and very little need for precision. I love any recipe that involves dipping and freezing (e.g., pretzels in chocolate, bananas in yogurt) or decorating. Sprinkles and candy eyeballs are always a hit.8

11. Stickers. Go for reusable sticker books to avoid sticker residue all over your tables and floors.

12. Rubber stamps. Also a residue risk here—make sure you get washable ink. I like this kit.

13. Puzzles. Flex the number and size of pieces depending on your child’s age and interest. A sapien also recommended Magic Puzzles, which looks incredible.

14. Playpen. Good for containing babies at the crawling/pre-walking stage while you get other stuff done and/or keep your other children away. We have this one.

15. Read. Currently trending in our house: Mo Willems’ Elephant & Piggie series, Dragons Love Tacos, Knight Owl, and, unfortunately, a 335-page book detailing various dog breeds.9 If you’re feeling brave and looking to start teaching your child to read, some options:

    1. Teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons walks you through it, though may be a bit boring

    2. Bob Books are also a classic option

    3. Other phonics-based teaching books, like the Step Into Reading sets. My kids love this Paw Patrol one.

    4. If you’re looking for something more play-based, Lovevery recently sent us their Reading Skill Set, and it is packed with fun (and, of course, highly aesthetically pleasing) games that walk kids through early reading skills.

16. Shadow puppets. Grab a flashlight and get to it. For advanced hand shadow puppet technique, you’ll be unsurprised to learn that a YouTube rabbit hole awaits.

17. Indoor picnic. Grab your lunch, spread out a blanket, and eat on the floor. Invite stuffed animals to join.

18. Potion making. Vinegar and baking soda, or soap and water, depending on how ambitious you’re feeling.

19. Bird feeder viewing. Put a bird feeder near a window so kids can watch!

20. Cardboard building. My boys love ripping up cardboard boxes (who doesn’t?), so we got them these Makedo cardboard tools for Christmas.

21. Scissor skill practice. For kids learning to use scissors, these craft kits are an easy and fun option.

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Places to go (paid)

These will depend greatly on what’s available near you. If these are not accessible to you, due to location, budget, or otherwise, no fear! There are plenty of other, free options, too (see below). 

1. Indoor rock climbing. This was a recent surprise hit with my 4-year-old! My 2-year-old preferred to sit on the sidelines and eat a graham cracker.

2. Zoos and aquariums. Many offer special events and activities for kids.10

3. Ice skating rinks. My only concern with this one is that my children will learn that ice hockey exists and ask to sign up for it one day.

4. Gymnastics. Check local gymnastics and other “kid gyms” for classes or open gym time. 

5. Swimming. YMCAs and other local recreation centers may offer lessons or open swim.

6. Museums. We, unsurprisingly, love a good science museum.

7. Arts and crafts studios, including pottery painting and other crafting.

8. Bowling. Remember bowling? I also recently learned that the Bass Pro Shop near me has an ocean-themed bowling alley. Intriguing!11

9. Trampoline parks. Note: the American Academy of Pediatrics says these are dangerous, so proceed with caution.

10. Indoor play places, i.e., those places with indoor play equipment and, usually, plastic balls covering the ground. My kids get sick every time we go, but sometimes I think it’s worth it? [2026 Update: It is not worth it.]

11. Ropes courses and ziplines. There are both indoor and outdoor versions of these, and a surprising number of them out there. Better for older kids.

12. Escape rooms. Also a surprising number of these out there!12

13. Indoor adventure centers. I’m not exactly sure what to call these, but many areas have spots like this, which include bumper cars, laser tag, arcades, ninja warrior equipment, etc. Overstimulation also included free of charge.

14. Train rides. If you live in a place where a train ride is a novelty, ride to a town a few stops over, grab a snack, and then turn around and come back.

Places to go (free)

One of my favorite activities is to throw the kids in the car and take them on an “adventure” (i.e., to walk around somewhere I want to go). This is slightly more challenging with a new baby in tow, but it can be done (desperate times!)

1. Libraries and book stores. Combine with a cozy reading session when you get home.

2. Pet stores or animal shelters. Just prepare them beforehand that they will not be bringing anything home, no matter how cuddly.

3. Hardware stores. This is your periodic reminder that Home Depot offers free kids’ workshops on the first Saturday of each month.

4. Grocery stores. Put them in charge of picking out a few items on the list. Stay away from eggs. My kids love Stop & Shop (i.e., “the robot grocery store”) because of Marty the robot.

5. Vintage stores. See also: thrift stores and other odds-and-ends stores.

6. Outdoor stores, like REI and Bass Pro Shops.

7. Malls (where they still exist).

8. Craft stores, like Michaels and JOANN.

9. Toy stores. Depending on your child and the day, these can either be great or an absolute disaster. Make sure to set ground rules beforehand.

And there we have it! Like any good research project, this one will benefit from peer review, so please: share your feedback, suggestions, and ideas in the comments.

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I don’t know what’s happening in your home, but here at Techno Sapiens HQ, we’re entering our fifth consecutive week of children coughing and sneezing. Spit up is staining our clothes and stray bits of wrapping paper are littering our floors. Our dinners are a strange, harried mix of leftover noodles and Bûche de Noël.2 Each day ends with my husband and I lying on the couch, staring wide-eyed and shell-shocked at the ceiling.

But that won’t stop us from taking on 2026, will it? (It might).

For those who are new here, I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist, professor, and mom of three.

For those who have been here awhile, hello! I missed you!

I am so excited to be returning to Techno Sapiens, and so thankful to you all for being here.

5 min read

It’s that time of year! The people are digital detoxing, the media outlets are bursting with tips for unplugging, the Substack feeds are 90% viral pieces about ditching smartphones for crochet needles.3

It’s January, and that means it’s time to kick our scrolling habits to the curb once and for all!

Now, don’t get me wrong. This is Techno Sapiens, and you know I love a tech-related resolution as much as anyone.4 However, I’m seeing a lot of “digital detoxing” content where the entire strategy seems to boil down to a kind of reverse Nike slogan: Just (Don’t) Do It.

My sense is that this is unlikely to be effective.

So, what can we do to set ourselves up for success? How can we set “digital detox” goals that actually stick? Research on goal-setting suggests it’s worth taking a step back to consider what, exactly, we want to limit, why we want to do it, and how we plan to accomplish it.

Oh, what’s that you say? A team of Belgian researchers recently published a highly detailed, evidence-based framework for helping us do just that? What luck!

Digital detox, but make it ~*science*~

Now, as we dig into this framework, I am both delighted and sorry to inform you that we’ve got a classic case here of scientists being scientists.5

Lots of studies cited, lots of large tables with headings like “socio-cultural assumptions” and “momentary subjective experience,” a figure that looks like this:

But we are techno sapiens! And we are not deterred!

Let’s break down what this means and how it can help us on our digital detox journeys.

First things first. The authors use the term “digital disconnection” instead of “digital detox.”

Here’s the definition of digital disconnection:

“A deliberate form of non-use of devices, platforms, features, interactions, and/or messages that varies in frequency and duration with the aim of restoring or improving one’s perceived overuse, social interactions, psychological well-being, productivity, privacy and/or perceived usefulness.”

Did you just black out? No problem.

This translates simply to: reducing some aspect of your tech use to feel better.

A “digital detox” is one extreme form of digital disconnection, which involves fully quitting a device or platform(s).

Choose your own digital disconnection adventure

Now, onto the good stuff.

The researchers identify four major harms that people may be experiencing from their digital lives and offer digital disconnection strategies to mitigate each of those harms.

I hope these can help guide your personal digital disconnection journey.

Harm #1: Time displacement

What it is

This is an issue of quantity of use, where screen time gets in the way of other activities a person might rather be doing (e.g., sleeping, face-to-face interactions, crocheting).

How it feels

I end up spending more time on my device than I want to. I don’t have time to do the other things I want to do. I lose track of time while using my device.

How to fix it

• Set low time limits on overall device use using your phone’s screen time settings.

• Charge your phone outside of your bedroom at night.

• Block (or delete) certain apps or platforms, either all the time or during certain windows. You can use apps like Freedom or Opal, tools like the Brick, or even trade your smartphone for one with limited features, like the Light Phone or a flip phone.

• Have other activities ready! Figure out what your screen time is “displacing”—your goal should not just be “less phone use,” but also “more other stuff.”

• Check your beliefs. Does all time need to be spent “productively”? What does that mean to you?

Harm #2: Interference

What it is

Whereas displacement is about the overall quantity of use, interference is about short interruptions throughout the day that affect our attention and focus.

How it feels

I’m constantly distracted by my device. I feel overwhelmed by disruptions. I cannot focus on one thing (work, talking to my spouse, hanging out with my kids) for any length of time.

How to fix it

• Break the phone-checking habit by creating friction to accessing it.

• Technical ways to create friction: move apps around on your device, delete apps, remove facial recognition for unlocking, turn off notifications,6 put your phone on “grayscale”

• Physical ways to create friction: put your device out of sight! In a drawer or cabinet, in another room, at the bottom of your bag.7

• Put your phone on “Do Not Disturb” during activities like working, driving, spending time with family, etc.

• Check your beliefs. From the authors: “giving into digital distractions may often be a relatively benign form of waxing-and-waning that occurs during task performance for most individuals.” In other words: we all get distracted sometimes, and that’s okay. Recognize when it’s truly becoming a problem, and try not to be too hard on yourself!

Harm #3: Boundary blurring

What it is

Constant connectivity leads to being “always on,” reducing the boundaries between our various “roles” as parents, employees, friends, and partners.

How it feels

I bring work home with me and can never shut it off. And when I’m at work, I’m bringing home life with me—responding to messages from my child’s school, coordinating childcare, texting my husband “Remember it’s ‘bring something that starts with the letter Q’ day at preschool,” etc.

How to fix it

• Unfortunately, much of this is dependent on some larger systems that are outside your control (your workplace, your child’s school), so certain solutions may be more possible than others for you. Some ideas:

• Make boundaries between work and home less “permeable” by using separate devices, apps, or email accounts for work

• Create “micro-boundaries” by setting out-of-office replies, and disabling notifications from work emails or Slack

• Check email during designated times (“email batching”) versus throughout the day

• If you have a partner, try to divide school and childcare communication duties in a way that works for both of you

Harm #4: Exposure

What it is

Our use of devices (and social media in particular) exposes us to content that makes us feel bad emotionally, or our time on devices creates physical discomfort (e.g., “Zoom fatigue,” headaches, neck pain)

How it feels

I feel bad about myself after scrolling Instagram. I feel anxious after “doom scrolling” the news. I feel physically uncomfortable after spending too much time online.

How to fix it

• Personalize what you see on social media. In your Instagram settings, for example, you can: select topics you want to see more of, designate people as Favorites so they appear higher on your feed, and limit “sensitive” or “political” content

• You can also prune your social media feeds by unfollowing accounts, blocking certain hashtags or keywords, and hiding “like” and “share” counts.

• For the physical effects: reduce time (see above), and take frequent breaks from staring at screens. To reduce Zoom fatigue, turn off “self-view,” so you’re no longer staring at your own video.

What digital disconnection strategies are you trying this year? Let us know in the comments!

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Thank you so much for the support, well wishes, and compliments on my baby’s cheeks during my maternity leave. I, quite literally, could not do this without all of you.

I also want to thank everyone who reached out in light of the shooting at Brown University last week. My family and I are safe—I live and work remotely, so I was not near campus at the time. I am absolutely heartbroken for the students and families affected, and have been struggling with how to help. If you are in a similar boat, I found this page to be a useful starting place.

I want to keep things light today, but if that doesn’t feel right to you at the moment, please feel free to skip this one.

Thanks for being here, and we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming in the new year. ❤️

8 min read

A few days ago, I woke up abruptly to the sound of a crying baby. The clock read 4:55am.1 The next 90 minutes were filled with shushing and pacifiers and re-swaddling, a move from the crib in the nursery to the bassinet next to my bed, more shushing and rocking, until eventually, a waving white flag in the form of a feeding.

The feeding was interrupted by the desperate wailing of a sick toddler2 from the other side of the wall. I raced in to find him sitting upright in his crib. MOM! he cried, Need to wipe my nose! I set the baby down. She resumed crying. I grabbed a tissue. Ready, blow! I encouraged, holding the tissue to his nose. 1-2-...

The nose-wiping was interrupted by a new sound: this one a mysterious banging from my preschooler’s room next door. With a crying baby in one arm and a snotty toddler in the other, I flung open the door to find him sitting on the floor, his bookshelf empty, a sea of colorful pages strewn across the rug.

Let’s get ready for school! I offered, a bead of sweat forming on my back. The baby spit up. My toddler rubbed his nose on my pants. My preschooler walked into the bathroom, dropped to the floor, curled up on the bathmat, and looked up at me. I’m too tired.

And just when all hope was lost, when I was one sneeze away from crawling back into bed, pulling the covers over my head, and telling the kids to fend for themselves, inspiration struck.

Sneaky is waiting for you downstairs! Let’s get ready fast so we can go find him!

Won’t someone think of the elves?

I have a controversial take, and I think it’s time I stopped hiding it:

I love Elf on the Shelf.

Is it a little creepy? Sure. Is it yet another to-do on a never-ending holiday to-do list? Of course. Do I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat, panicked that I’ve forgotten to move Sneaky? Obviously!

And yet. This small, poorly designed, incredibly unsettling doll brings my children a joy I cannot describe.

I know, I know. I’ve seen the Internet vitriol directed at the Elf. I know it’s inspired thousands of Reddit comments and a generation of Never-Elf parents.3 From a behavioral science perspective, it probably won’t work to change your kids’ behavior in any meaningful way (sorry). And to be fair, I do skip out on any elaborate set-ups [the Elf on the Shelf Pinterest community is a scary place]. I’ve also sidestepped the whole “the Elf is watching you” surveillance narrative.

But you know what? It’s a holiday tradition that takes me less than a minute a day, elicits excited shrieks from my children, and that has saved us (me) from imploding on many a December morning.

When I take a step back and consider the many, many things I do for my children, the ROI on this one actually seems pretty good.

On that particular morning, minutes after I suggested going to find Sneaky, we were downstairs, dressed and teeth-brushed and hair-combed. Little feet danced across the floor, arms waving. Mom! Mom! Mom! Look at Sneaky! They giggled, pointing to our elf, with runny noses and tired bodies forgotten.

We sat and ate breakfast. I finished feeding the baby. There was, for a moment, contented silence. A Christmas miracle.

Mom, will Sneaky be here tomorrow? They asked.

To that, I answered honestly. I hope so.

Happy holidays, the Techno Sapiens way

Now that we’ve gotten the truly controversial stuff out of the way, let’s tackle a few other tech topics that have been in the news this holiday season: social media bans, smartphones, and AI (oh my!).

1. Australia enacts social media ban for kids under 16

It happened! On December 10, the Australian “social media ban” went into effect. I’ve gotten lots of questions about this and seen strong opinions on either side. So, as always, I’m going to do the whole Techno Sapiens thing and try to consider all the facts, even if it leads me to tap dance right down the middle and infuriate both sides.

First, let’s clarify what’s actually happening here.4 Australians under 16 will not be allowed to have accounts on the following platforms: Facebook, Instagram, Kick, Reddit, Snapchat, Threads, TikTok, Twitch, X and YouTube. They will still be able to see publicly available content on these platforms. Teens themselves will not be punished if “illegal” accounts are discovered, but platforms could face penalties. Platforms will verify age with a range of methods: age estimation from platform behavior, IDs, selfies, third-party services, etc.

There have been many questions about the ban: will it work? Will it actually keep kids off the platforms? Will it keep kids safer? Will it improve the desired outcomes (academic performance, well-being, etc.)? And, as an expert, I’m here to tell you: we don’t know. This is the first policy of its kind, and unfortunately, we cannot see into the future.

That said, here’s what I think. We need to set the age at which kids can create social media accounts somewhere. Right now it’s 13, but that is totally arbitrary. All else equal, it makes sense to me to raise that age. This assumes kids still have other ways to connect digitally with one another and seek out information online, and with Australia’s policy, it seems that they do.

My concern remains that with this policy, social media platforms have a convenient “out” when it comes to actually making platforms safer for kids. Children under 16 will still access them—this is not an argument against the ban, just a reality—but now, when they inevitably do, platforms may no longer be accountable for what happens. After all, the kids weren’t supposed to be there in the first place.

I’d love to see companies making the platforms safer and healthier for kids (and adults!), even as we raise the minimum age. I’m curious to see how this plays out, but overall, I think it’s a step in the right direction.

For more on social media and mental health, see this Techno Sapiens guide.

2. Brand new data on teens and tech

The Pew Research Center is out with its yearly data on teens and technology. Christmas come early, sapiens! Over the past few years, there’s been little change in the share of teens ages 13 to 17 who use YouTube (92%), TikTok (68%), Instagram (63%), and Snapchat (55%). A slightly greater percentage of teens say they use TikTok “almost constantly” (21% this year, up from 16% in 2022).

More interesting to me is the new data on teens’ use of AI. This is Pew’s first year asking about AI chatbots like ChatGPT, and here’s what they find:

• 64% of teens have ever used AI chatbots

• Nearly half of teens use them several times a week or more

• Nearly 3 in 10 using them daily.

Expect these numbers to continue increasing!

For more on teens and AI, see: What should we do about kids and AI? and Are AI companions replacing real friends?

3. New study on when to get your child a smartphone

There’s a new study out in Pediatrics this month, which finds that children who had smartphones at age 12 showed higher rates of depression, obesity, and poor sleep compared to those who did not. Tweens who got phones between ages 12 and 13 also showed higher mental health symptoms and worse sleep compared to those who did not.

So, what to make of this? Here’s what I shared with Catherine Pearson, who reported on this study for the New York Times:

Jacqueline Nesi, an assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, who writes the newsletter Techno Sapiens, about parenting in the digital age, cautioned that the new study could not prove that smartphones were directly causing harm.

“It’s incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to get that kind of causal evidence on this topic,” she said, though the findings may “nudge” parents toward delaying giving children a smartphone when possible.

Caregivers “do not need to wait for perfect evidence to make these kinds of decisions,” Dr. Nesi said. They should feel empowered to trust their gut, she added, and to hold off on giving their child a smartphone until everyone is ready — including parents, who have to do the very hard work of putting protections and limits in place.

“Giving a child a device with access to everything on the internet is going to be risky,” she said.

I share this full quote because it’s a good summary of my current thinking on this topic overall. We do not have perfect evidence on the age to get our kids smartphones, and we likely never will. We also do not need perfect evidence to make decisions for our kids. In many cases, this is going to mean delaying smartphones.

Note, also: go get yourself a PhD so that you can offer insights to The New York Times like “giving kids access to the whole Internet is risky.”

For more on first smartphones, see When should kids get a smartphone?

See you next year

That’s all for today, sapiens. Thank you again for your support, and I cannot wait to see what 2026 has in store (I have lots of exciting plans for us!)5 For now, wishing you a happy holiday, filled with joy, rest, and (why not?) a few elves on your shelves.

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