How to talk to strangers

And why you actually should

Welcome to Techno Sapiens! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychology professor and mom of three. The most memorable stranger I talked to last week was a dad who, I learned, is from Scotland and owns a whiskey bar. I know nothing about hospitality or whiskey, but we did find common ground on the horrors of air travel with young children. (“I think we’ll just stay put until the kids are…adults,” he said.)

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6 min read

Have you ever read a book that quietly embeds itself in your brain, then sneaks up on you throughout the day, becoming a new filter through which you see the world? Today’s special guest wrote that book for me. Gillian Sandstrom is a psychology professor at the University of Sussex, and her new book is called Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How “Small” Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life.

As you will quickly gather from our conversation, I am not a person who thrives on small talk. When I get on a plane, I immediately put in headphones and avoid eye contact. At my local coffee shop, I say a quick “thank you” to the barista and then bury my face in my laptop.

At least, that was before.

Since reading Gillian’s book, I have thought about it everyday. I have now made casual conversations with baristas, preschool teachers, neighbors, and others. In situations where I’d previously limited myself to a quick “thanks!” or “bye!”, I now find myself lingering an extra moment, and pushing myself to ask a question or offer a compliment.

It hasn’t dramatically changed my life, but it’s made each day just a little bit brighter, more interesting, and happier. And maybe that, actually, is life-changing.

I hope Once Upon a Stranger will do the same thing for you.

I don’t know what this says about me, but before reading your book, my first thought about talking to strangers was something like “oh God, please no.” Happy to report that your book has convinced me otherwise (!), but for others who might share my hesitance, why should we talk to strangers?

Ha! Thanks for voicing what a lot of people are probably feeling: Why bother? It’s what I used to feel, too. Now I’ve written a whole book to try to answer that question, to understand why it’s become so important to me.

Psychologists used to think that a life well-lived consisted of two components: happiness and meaning. Now we think there’s a third component: psychological richness. Talking to strangers has enriched my life. I’ve met interesting people (e.g., a bat first aider, a volunteer lookerer, a sperm bank manager), heard fascinating stories, tried new things because of strangers’ recommendations (e.g., restaurants, shows, walking trails).

Although each conversation has its own benefits, I think the biggest benefit is cumulative. I’ve made a practice of regularly talking to strangers for more than 15 years now, and it has fundamentally changed the way I walk through the world. I feel more positive about (and trusting of) other people, more connected to my community, more comfortable about my place in the world.

I find talking to strangers to be enjoyable and valuable, but also meaningful. It’s an act of kindness that anyone can do, that gives us the power (and privilege) to make someone’s day a little better. I know, because strangers have made my day better—sometimes on the days that I’ve struggled.

(Re: your conversion: Glad to win one more for #TeamHuman!)

Related to this, what are biggest barriers people face in talking to strangers? And what does the research say about getting past those barriers?

We worry that people won’t want to talk to us, that we’ll be rejected. But that doesn’t happen nearly as often as we expect.

• In one of my studies, involving more than 1300 conversations, people were rejected only 13% of the time.

• And the other person is generally polite, even when they don’t want to talk.

• That’s why, in a preliminary study I ran with my students, we found that people overestimated how bad they would feel after being turned down. It’s not a positive experience, of course, but it’s not usually as bad as we fear.

I thought rejection would be people’s biggest fear, but people seem to be more worried about the prospect of awkward silences. I think this boils down to the fact that we just don’t think we know how to talk to a stranger—or, at least, not how to do it well. But it’s a skill that we can learn and develop.

• When my colleagues and I asked people to talk to a stranger every day for a week, people grew progressively less worried about being rejected and more confident in their ability to start and maintain a conversation.

• This matches my personal experience. My dad is a master stranger-talker. I thought he had special skills that I had clearly not inherited. I am far more introverted (my perfect evening involves a book, a cat, and a cup of tea) and strangers used to make me really nervous. Writing this book gave me a chance to really reflect on how I got from there to here.

We also worry about the impression that we make, but people like us more than we think.

What’s the best, strangest, or most surprising conversation you’ve ever had with a stranger?

That’s such a tough question to answer because I’ve had so many memorable conversations (though lots of forgettable ones, too, of course)! (I also want to say: I often ask a version of your question as a conversation starter, e.g., asking a taxi driver about their longest fare.)

I’m going to cheat and share two stories.

The first happened after I did an interview on a well-known radio show. I left BBC Broadcasting House and got on the Tube to head home, still buzzing. I asked a woman how her morning was going. She responded politely but it seemed like the conversation was over after that short exchange. But then, after a pause, she asked me about my morning. I shared that I’d been interviewed on Woman’s Hour. She reciprocated, sharing that she’d been to the GP that morning and had found out she was pregnant! I imagined her heading back to work and not telling anyone. But it was safe for her to tell me, precisely because I was a stranger. We shared a hug on the Tube!

Another memorable conversation happened on holiday in Wales, when I approached an older man with a dog. After we had chatted for a while, he spontaneously invited me and my husband to come over for a drink. He was fascinating to talk to and we enjoyed hearing about his career as a theatrical wigmaker. He and I played a duet on his piano before my husband and I rushed off to our dinner reservation. (We wish, now, that we’d ditched the reservation and stayed longer.)

Now that we’re all ready to go out and initiate conversations with strangers, how do we get started?

I was slow to join social media, but when I did, I started posting #Talking2Strangers stories. I hoped they would show people that opportunities abound and that it’s easy to strike up a conversation.

When I started writing my book, I combed through these posts to identify the people (e.g., dog owners, shopkeepers) and situations (e.g., public transport, traveling on holiday) that make it easiest when you’re starting out. I also looked for patterns in the conversation starters that I used most often.

My advice to get a conversation started is to think QUICK:

• Ask a QUestion. My single most-used conversation starter is a curiosity-driven “Whatcha doing?” You can also ask people the story behind their jewelry or their tattoo, what they’re hoping to see with their binoculars, what’s in the strangely-shaped case they’re carrying, what’s that drool-worthy dish they ordered…

• Comment on something you have In Common. I think this is why we talk about the weather so often. You can ask people at the theatre why they chose that show or what other shows they’ve seen. You can point out something in your shared environment, like a happy dog or an opportunistic seagull.

• Be Kind. My mom’s favourite way to start a conversation is to give someone a genuine compliment. On the bus recently, I told a woman: “That colour looks so great on you!” and she positively beamed. You can also offer information or directions, a seat, or some company.

You can grab your own copy of Once Upon a Stranger right here.

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