Q&A: Conflict with kids and pregnancy decisions

Welcome to our monthly Questions from Sapiens, where I answer your questions about psychology, technology, and parenting. Today, we’ve got two main questions: one about managing conflict with our kids, and one about making decisions during pregnancy. (And also, a brief aside on Air Fryers).

Upgrade to a paid subscription for access to all of this week’s questions, and remember to submit your questions for future Q&As here!

---

Did you end up getting the portable neck fan?!

Very much appreciate this follow-up from this week’s post. I did not yet get the portable neck fan. It’s still under consideration. I did, however, order an Air Fryer on Prime Day, which should be arriving tomorrow. I am confident it will revolutionize my cooking, my diet, my evening schedule, who I am as a person, etc. Honestly, you might not recognize me next week. 

Stay tuned.

How do I fix things after a fight with my daughter? She’s 13 and definitely in full-on moody teen territory. We’ve had a few disagreements recently (usually about things that, objectively, I think I’m right about - like the fact that she can’t keep used/dirty plates in her room), but then it escalates and I end up losing my cool. Things usually go back to normal after a few hours, and we don’t really talk about it afterward, but is this the right thing to do? Should I apologize? Or will that make her think that her behavior was okay all along? Should I force her to apologize?  

The situation you’re describing is so common, but that certainly doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I feel for you!

First off: let me offer some good news. There’s some evidence that the “emotional lability” (i.e., moodiness) that comes with adolescence tends to peak in the earlier years (10-14), so although you’re in the thick of it now, there’s a good chance things will cool down soon. Also, conflict between parents and teens is very normal and, actually, a sign that your teen is developing as they should (i.e., learning to differentiate themselves from you and become independent)—so some disagreement can be a good thing. (I know, I know. It definitely doesn’t feel that way.)

So what can you do? First, recognize your patterns. Many families fall into an accidental pattern of “negative reinforcement” that works like this: a disagreement starts, then it slowly (or quickly) escalates until one or both parties crosses the line (i.e., yells, says something they regret, etc.), and then it ends. We’re then more likely to cross the line in the future because we’ve “learned” (unconsciously) that when we cross the line, the fighting stops (see this post for more). The solution? When you notice things escalating, have a quick line ready (e.g., I need some space. We’ll talk about this later), deliver it calmly, and gently walk away.

Next, what to do if you lose your cool? Many parents worry that apologizing will undermine their authority or, as you mentioned, somehow convey that their child’s behavior was acceptable. The evidence does not support this. Effective apologies actually model the things we want to see in our kids, like taking responsibility for our actions and showing respect. You can apologize for your part (i.e., losing your cool) without condoning your child’s behavior, and, as an added bonus, this may prompt your child to reflect on their own actions and (fingers crossed) be more likely to apologize to you in the future.

The two most important components of effective apologies are: (1) Acknowledging responsibility and (2) Offering repair. So, this might look something like: I’m sorry I raised my voice and said those things before. It was not okay that I acted that way toward you. [acknowledge responsibility]. I’m going to work hard next time to make sure I keep my voice down and am respectful, even if we’re having a disagreement. [Offer repair].

Finally, if you’re noticing the same issues coming up repeatedly (i.e., the dreaded dishes-in-the-room scenario), consider sitting down at a time when both of you are calm to discuss the problem, why it’s happening, and potential solutions. (See this post on problem-solving). 

Hang in there!

I’m pregnant with my first baby, and I’m really excited, but also finding that all the rules and recommendations are driving me kind of insane. It feels like there’s always something I COULD be doing to maximize the chances my baby is healthy/safe, but there are so many rules! And if I don’t follow them all, I feel guilty and anxious that I’m harming the baby (even if logically, I know this isn’t true). Am I crazy?