Q&A: How do I get my toddler to listen?

It feels like I'm talking to a wall!

How do I get my toddler to actually listen to me? When I tell her to do something, it feels like I’m literally talking to a wall. Usually I end up repeating myself over and over, until eventually I get frustrated and raise my voice, and then we’re both upset. Help!

My memory of my childhood is that, when my parents told me to do something, I did it immediately. No negotiations, no defiance, no sudden and intermittent hearing loss prompted by a particularly fun set of legos. This has not, so far, been my experience of parenting.

(Note: I have not confirmed this memory with my parents. It’s possible they’ve told me otherwise, and I just wasn’t, um, listening…)

Sometimes, our expectations for our child’s ability to listen slightly outweigh the reality. Learning to follow directions takes practice and, often, many frustrating parenting moments. That said, here are some tips:

• Make sure they can hear you. Seems obvious, but can be surprisingly difficult in practice. I sometimes find myself yelling an instruction (e.g., Put that down!) to my toddler from the kitchen, my hands covered in uncooked meatball, while I just barely catch a glimpse of him preparing to throw the dustbuster over the stair railing. Instead: try to get close and make eye contact, then give the instruction in a firm, clear, voice.

• Keep it simple. It’s easy for instructions to get too complicated. Avoid “chain” instructions, which string together multiple commands. E.g.: Listen, we need to go pick up your brother from school, so I need you to put your shoes on—the red ones—and leave your balloon at home because we can’t bring that in the car. What your toddler hears: Blah-blah-blah-BALLOON!-blah. Keep it simple, with one command at a time: Please put down your balloon. And then, after the balloon is down, Great! Now, please put on your red shoes.