Q&A: How do I stop worrying?

I’ve always been a worrier. It’s usually about big stuff, like my job, my kids, or my family’s health, though sometimes it’s about stuff that I objectively realize is silly (like, remembering I need to get our HVAC serviced, or to pack my daughter’s school lunch tomorrow morning). It’s usually worse at night, when I’m trying to go to sleep. How do I stop it?

Worry involves repeated, unpleasant thoughts about the future. Key word: unpleasant. It’s common for it to come up at times of day when our brains have fewer distractions (i.e., right when we lay down to sleep, with our partner, somehow, snoring unbothered beside us).

So can’t we just, you know, make it stop?

Yes and no. On the one hand, some amount of worry is totally normal and, actually, good for us (boooo!). Research suggests that in reasonable doses, worry can motivate us to take action to prevent negative outcomes, and can point us toward our values (e.g., worrying about our job might indicate that our career matters to us). For many people, though, worry takes on a life of its own. It quickly becomes so intense, or so frequent, that it’s no longer helping. Instead, it tricks us into thinking we’re being productive (if I just spend a few more hours ruminating over the varied yet equally horrific ways my work presentation could go wrong, maybe I can avoid them!), while actually making things worse.

What can we do when we get into a worry spiral?