Q&A: Rules for smartphones and handling tantrums

Welcome to our monthly Questions from Sapiens, where I answer your questions about psychology, technology, and parenting. Today, we’ve got two parenting questions: one for big kids (about rules/limits for a child’s first smartphone) and one for little kids (about handling tantrums).

Remember to submit your questions for future Q&As here!

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I’m about to get my 13-year-old her first smartphone, and I’m super overwhelmed. What rules should I put in place? I’m worried about all the usual, scary stuff—addiction to the device, accessing websites and videos she shouldn’t be, etc. We are already planning to hold off on allowing her to get on any social media, but what other limits should we have?

Let me just say: I hear you. That first smartphone is a big milestone for both kids and parents. Not to mention, we’re constantly hearing from professionals (like, say, weird professor ladies who write Substacks) about the importance of “setting limits” around phone use, but don’t always have guidance on what those limits should actually be. I hear from a lot of parents about just how overwhelming this all can feel.