Q&A: Should I let my son play Fortnite?

Plus, how to get your toddler to actually listen, and the research behind time limits on Instagram and TikTok

Hello, sapiens! A quick programming note: We’re switching up the schedule a bit this week. Today, we’ve got our monthly Q&A for paying subscribers. On Thursday, we’ll be back with our usual weekly post for everyone. See you then!

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Welcome to our monthly Questions from Sapiens, where I answer your questions about psychology, technology, and parenting. Today, we’ve got three questions about:(1) whether you should let your child play Fortnite, (2) how to get your toddler to listen to you, and (3) whether setting time limits actually works for apps like Instagram.

The first question is available to everyone, and the others to paying subscribers only. Remember to submit your questions for future Q&As here!

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My 10-year-old son wants to play Fortnite. He says all his friends are playing–and honestly, I think he’s right about that. But isn’t the whole point of the game to kill other players? It just seems so violent to me, and I’m not sure what to think about that. At the same time, I don’t want him to feel left out from his friends. What do you think? What does the research say about violence in video games?

Fortnite: Battle Royale is one of the most popular games on the market for teens and tweens. It is technically a shooter game, as it involves killing other players in an attempt to be the “last one standing.” However, the violence is more “cartoonish”—there’s no blood or gore. [For a full breakdown, see Common Sense Media’s review.] You can play the game alone, or in teams.

When it comes to the research on violent video games in general, we know that the majority of teen boys are likely playing some version of these games. As you’re seeing in your son’s friend group, they can often be an important aspect of tween social life, too. In general, studies suggest that playing violent games may increase risk for aggressive behavior in some kids in the short-term, but that there’s unlikely to be any long-term impacts on risks for violent behavior. [For a very detailed overview of the research, see this post.]

Ultimately, reasonable families will make different decisions on this issue, and you’re already asking yourself the right questions—how important do I think these games are for his social life? Does he seem mature enough to handle the violence? What are my values around this? As usual, there’s (annoyingly) no one right answer on this. Trust your gut!

One option: give it a trial run. Explain any concerns you have about the violence in games, and set your expectations for your son’s behavior before, during, and after he plays. Keep an eye on whether it seems to be impacting his behavior, and if needed, make changes from there.

In addition to potential violence in games, another important consideration is the chat feature. In many games, including Fortnite, there are options for both voice and text chat. This can be done with friends or strangers, and—as you can imagine—when a bunch of strangers are getting together in a virtual chatroom talking about shooting each other, things might be said that you’d rather your son not be privy to. Before he plays, set up Parental Controls to limit his communication to friends only, and talk about what’s okay (and not okay) for him to say in the chat.  

A final suggestion: play with him a few times! It will give you a better sense for what’s involved in the game, spark conversation, and—gasp—might even be fun.

How do I get my toddler to actually listen to me? When I tell her to do something, it feels like I’m literally talking to a wall. Usually I end up repeating myself over and over, until eventually I get frustrated and raise my voice, and then we’re both upset. Help!