Q&A: When your kid says "I hate you!"

My four-year-old seems to be going through a big “I hate you” phase. It’s usually when he’s frustrated by something I won’t let him do, or when he’s mad that my attention is on the baby (I have an 8-month-old, too), though sometimes it seems to come out of nowhere. What’s the best way to respond?

Ah, the old I hate you. Not just for teens! Let’s start by saying that, as with all parenting, there is no single right answer here—it depends on your child, the specific situation, and you. I am considering getting this tattooed on my body (or, maybe less dramatically, repeating it at the beginning of every Q&A). That said, here are a few principles to keep in mind when thinking about how to respond:

• Accidental reinforcement. When we give lots of attention to a behavior, it tends to occur more frequently (i.e., it gets “reinforced”). This is true, even if we think that attention is negative (e.g., yelling, a long lecture about respect, a deep exploration of where these feelings are coming from). Try to avoid this.