Welcome to Techno Sapiens! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist and professor at Brown University, and mom of two young kids who occasionally lose their minds when screen time ends.
For more tips on preventing screen time tantrums in young kids, check out my new course, Little Kids, Big Tech: A no guilt, no fear approach to healthy screen time for ages 0 to 6.
7 min read
Hi sapiens! Today we’ve got a refresh of a post on a topic that is all-too-familiar to many parents: screen time meltdowns.
Maybe you’ve found yourself prying the iPad from your preschooler’s death grip as they fly into a fit of rage when screen time ends. Or maybe your pre-teen has turned suddenly monosyllabic and moody after video games.
Why do kids sometimes act out after screen time? And how can we prevent it?
Why are my kids acting like this?!
Like many parents, I ask myself this question multiple times per day in various situations1 and rarely come up with a satisfying answer.
When our kids are behaving badly after screen time, we may never have a perfect explanation—but here are some (science-backed!) reasons why this might happen:
It’s hard to stop fun things
Sometimes, it’s really this simple.
Have you ever gotten a really good massage? Did you *love* the moment the lights went on and you had to shimmy your clothes back over your damp, oil-covered skin? No. It’s a bummer when fun things end! Screens likely activate the reward system of the brain—but I’m not sure we need a brain-based explanation to tell us that, a lot of the time, screens are fun. And stopping fun things can put anyone in a bad mood.
They are (momentarily) lacking some skills
Certain types of screen use, for some kids, can lead to short-term deficits in executive functioning skills (like memory, attention, and self-regulation). Managing our moods and behavior requires those skills. So, regulating emotions might not be our kids’ strong suit in the moments after screen time ends.
They’re copycats
Kids copy the things they see. This is true for both positive and negative behaviors. There is evidence that playing violent video games, for example, can result in children modeling aggressive behavior, and, alternatively, that watching shows with prosocial messages can encourage positive behavior.2
Imitation may be especially likely with younger kids. So, if you’re noticing your child’s behavior worsen after they watch particularly mischievous, mean, or whiny characters, this could be part of it.
It’s hard to stop in the middle of things
Let’s imagine you’ve spent the last hour writing a long, in-depth email to your boss requiring lots of background research and careful wording. You’re about 75% of the way done, and then your spouse comes over and, without warning, deletes the whole thing because “it’s time for dinner.” This would be...not cool.
Your child might feel the same way when forced to quit a video game halfway through—maybe they were working with a team, making progress toward a goal, feeling they were this close to reaching the next level or finding out what happens next. Not cool.
They’re not doing other stuff
We have a lot of evidence that physical activity has a positive impact on mood, as does time spent outside. By definition, our children are not doing those things if they’re inside, sedentary, and staring at a device. Their mood may, thus, be worse after screen time in comparison to how they feel after those other activities.
They’re overstimulated (or are they?)
Within my personal corner of the Instagram parenting world, there seems to be a lot of enthusiasm for the term “overstimulated” in reference to kids’ screen time. In the research, overstimulation (or “sensory overload”) means that the sensory demands of the environment—like sounds, visuals, and movement—are too great for kids to process effectively. This can lead to stress, irritability, or overwhelm.
For the average kid, certain media experiences (e.g., loud, fast, bright content) certainly can cause overstimulation, but sensitivity to sensory input varies a lot between kids. Kids differ in the type of sensory input they’re sensitive to, so it’s difficult to label certain shows or games as “overstimulating” across the board. And kids with certain conditions (e.g., ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorder) may be either over- or under- responsive, leading to more difficulties managing emotions when screen time is over.
They’re having a lot of feelings
No surprise that screens can bring up strong emotions. These can be positive (e.g., excitement over Bluey’s dance moves) or negative (e.g., frustration at losing a game, fear that the Octonauts will fail in their mission).
As any adult who has watched White Lotus before bedtime can attest, strong feelings do not immediately disappear when screen time ends. If a child is particularly excited, frustrated, or worried after screen time, this can make it difficult to move on.
How do I make it stop?!
Another question I ask myself multiple times per day.3
First step: don’t panic! When screens negatively impact kids’ moods and behavior, it sometimes feeds into parents’ pre-existing fears about technology (I knew these things were dangerous!).
Instead, after a few crucial steps—i.e., taking some deep breaths, grumbling to ourselves about why parenting is so hard—we can try to use these moments as opportunities. Opportunities for our kids to learn new skills for managing their feelings, and opportunities for us, as parents, to find the right screen time balance for our families.
So, what can we do to prevent screen time meltdowns? Here are some ideas:
1. Experiment with different types of media use and content
Sensory experiences are highly individualized4—everything from the colors on the screen, to their familiarity with an episode, to the soundtrack, to the device type can all make a difference. So, find what works (and doesn’t work) for your child.
2. Try out different stopping points
If their screen time is regularly ending right at the moment when they’re about to advance to the next level of their video game, a later stopping point may be the answer.
If screen time is dragging on to a point where they’re restless and irritated, stopping earlier is likely worth a try.
Always try to give them a warning when the end is approaching (e.g., “Five more minutes” or “One more episode”).
3. Talk to them about it
Pick a time when everyone is calm and discuss post-screen time transitions. Depending on their age, you might open with something like “I’ve noticed it can feel hard to turn off the iPad when screen time is over. Why do you think that is? What can we do to make it easier?”
From there, you can brainstorm solutions. This might include suggesting coping skills to try next time they’re frustrated screen time is over.
4. Make a plan
Try working together with your child to come up with a screen time transition plan. Maybe it’s easier for them to stop after a certain number of minutes, or, alternatively, after a certain number of episodes or video game levels. Maybe they’d do well with a five-minute warning. Maybe certain times of day, or certain shows or screen activities should be on- or off-limits.
Make a plan, and make it clear that you can always come back and revise it later.
5. Consider timing and post-screen activities
Immediately after screen time might not be the ideal time for cognitively-taxing activities (e.g., homework, organizing toys).
Depending on your child’s sensory preferences, it might also be a good time for a low-energy activity (e.g., doing a puzzle) or a high-energy one (e.g., jumping jacks).
6. Be consistent
As with anything, when we tell our kids screen time is over, we really have to mean it (easier said than done, I know). If we tell them to put down the iPad, and then they whine and cry and tantrum, and then we change our minds, what happens? They learn that all they need to do is whine and cry and tantrum, and then they’ll get more screen time.
You can still be nice, of course “I know this is really hard. You really want to keep watching!” but do your best to remain firm: “It’s time to turn off the iPad.”5
7. Turn off autoplay
Simple, but effective. Sometimes a “stopping cue” (i.e., a video or episode ending) can signal to kids that screen time is over, and make it a bit easier to transition away. Here’s how to do this on YouTube and Netflix.
8. Reduce screen time
I know this is an obvious one, but if your child is repeatedly struggling with their mood or behavior after using screens, you might consider taking a break.
Different screen time “plans” work for different families, and a less-is-more approach might work for you. Also—if kids are using screens at the expense of other mood-boosting activities (sleep, time outside, physical activity), it may be time to cut down.
Have you found any good strategies for reducing screen time meltdowns? Let us know in the comments!
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Most of these “why are my kids acting like this?” situations involve the younger one suddenly swiping at the older one’s face, the older one ramming a toy truck into the younger one’s kneecaps, or some combination of the two.
There is also evidence that watching Mickey Mouse Club will cause your three-year-old to “be Chip” (you’ll be told to “be Dale”) by running around the house, flailing his arms, kicking his legs, and screaming. In other news, Micky Mouse Club is currently “broken” in our house until further notice. What a shame!
My kids really are the best, and generally pretty well-behaved, despite what these footnotes would make it seem. That said…I’m writing this on Sunday evening after a day in which they subsisted entirely on Nerd Rope, chocolate eggs, and the fumes off a pile of Easter gifts, and I’ve never been so happy to see them go to bed.
I would say I’m somewhat sensitive to sounds (especially background noise). My husband is not. As a result, we play a fun game in the car where he tries to turn on music, I repeatedly turn the volume down until it’s barely audible, and we eventually compromise by turning it off completely. Isn’t love beautiful?
If you’d like a visual, I enjoyed this taking-away-the-iPad role play from Hasan Minhaj and Dr. Becky.
This was really helpful, as my kid was home from school today. Thank you!!! Your tips saved our day.
Love this post. May I offer an additional action? Its not so cut and dry but trying to be engaged with your youth in the screen time activity itself can benefit (actually, can the "how" of this be a future topic?). Benefits: 1) You have a better sense of what rules around that activity would be reasonable (is the 5 min screen time for the trip to the grocery store likely to cause conflict because it actually takes at least 10 minutes to finish a level); 2) if your child is still mentally stuck in the activity when screens are turned off, talking to them in an informed way may be a good transition out; 3) as you have pointed out in the past, our life experiences can help contextualize the content of those screen time activities IRL. Thank you for your work!