I love this because as a socially anxious person I DO think about what I'm going to talk about before a social occasion, even if it's just coffee with a good friend. It's nice to know my anxiety-induced topic prep might actually be a helpful behaviour.
As a socially anxious autistic person I was thinking the same thing - I spend so much time scripting conversations, for specific occasions and for unforeseen ones, just in case! I often catch myself doing it almost subconsciously. Actually, I found this post really interesting because these are the sorts of things I’m used to seeing autistic people talk about in terms of ways they mask, and how to communicate in a neurotypical way. Nice to know that there’s psychological research to back up our trial-and-error findings!
Great article and tips! I've always found it difficult to balance asking questions to show interest, and having it seem like an interrogation (especially if there is an age or "power" difference). Any tips for making the questions hit the right note?
Such a good point - I do think there's such a thing as TOO many questions. Two things come to mind -1) Making sure that when you ask the question, you really listen and respond to the answer, rather than just moving onto the next question, is really important! And sometimes hard to remember to do! 2) There does need to be a balance, where you (the question-asker) also share some things about yourself as well, so that the other person does not feel like they're the only one needing to be vulnerable. Curious if others have tips, too!
On "topic prep" I've found that if I just take all those times I was going to message someone "did Jill ever decide between those two job offers?", "how was volunteering for the election?", "how are your renovations going?" and store them up for a few weeks and then actually call them it is a lot easier to have a good 30-60 minute conversation instead of a less satisfying series of meh message exchanges that somehow take 8 hours schmeared across the entire day in dribs and drabs.
I would love if messaging apps had some kind of "do you really want to send this message or do you just want me to add it to your 'topic prep' list and then remind you to call them in a week while showing you your topic prep list?"
I have been cackling at this article! You have a great sense of humor! My husband…does not! I’m practically reading everything in here to him and I don’t even get a polite chuckle…what’s up with that 🤨. Also…just great info! Thanks
Great ideas about conversations! I interviewed people in my work constantly, (I was a fraud investigators for a life insurance company) and tend to ask many questions. I always have to be mindful I am not interrogating people who I’ve just met. However, I do find that skill set is more functional than you would think!
This answers so many questions I’ve been afraid to ask about conversing properly as someone who is…well, less than skilled at it. One follow up question (😉): are there any tips for making conversation easier when you’re caught off-guard/not prepped?
Given that I think most of the world's problems could be solved with better communication, I loved this piece. I might never stop being weird at parties, though. :)
I found a valuable text with helpful tips for me. I've always been a shy person, so I'm always trying to develop and learn better ways to communicate and overcome my shyness. I really like music and technology, and I try to pass that and other values I believe in on my children. One is 12 years old and the other is a 7-year-old girl.
Please share this with your audience. We lose someone to suicide every 40 seconds!
I specialize in working with the high functioning under high pressure, who can fall through the cracks. #firstresponders #CEO #moms etc. etc. HUMANS!!!
Please feel free to browse through the topics of interest to you. I am currently working on what could possibly be the biggest #suicideprevention project ever. I will be sharing on how shifting our mindset on the #toxicthinking around #socialstigmas, like #suicidalthoughts and other toxic thoughts that plague our youth and #humanity is vital and our BIGGEST opportunity to #savelives from #suicide. Please stay tuned. AND please continue to share your feedback as it not only helps to guide what is needed but fuels me personally to continue bringing this all to the surface!! Please #subscribe and #share so you and people you care about don’t miss the launch! It could save a life! Visit Paintopossibilities.substack.com
We can't afford not to exercise suicide prevention right from the get go!
<3 this as I am someone who naturally thinks of conversation topics before I know I am going to be put in a situation to be talking to someone. It just naturally happens like that I guess. Great article.
I love this because as a socially anxious person I DO think about what I'm going to talk about before a social occasion, even if it's just coffee with a good friend. It's nice to know my anxiety-induced topic prep might actually be a helpful behaviour.
The research is on your side! :)
As a socially anxious autistic person I was thinking the same thing - I spend so much time scripting conversations, for specific occasions and for unforeseen ones, just in case! I often catch myself doing it almost subconsciously. Actually, I found this post really interesting because these are the sorts of things I’m used to seeing autistic people talk about in terms of ways they mask, and how to communicate in a neurotypical way. Nice to know that there’s psychological research to back up our trial-and-error findings!
Great article and tips! I've always found it difficult to balance asking questions to show interest, and having it seem like an interrogation (especially if there is an age or "power" difference). Any tips for making the questions hit the right note?
Such a good point - I do think there's such a thing as TOO many questions. Two things come to mind -1) Making sure that when you ask the question, you really listen and respond to the answer, rather than just moving onto the next question, is really important! And sometimes hard to remember to do! 2) There does need to be a balance, where you (the question-asker) also share some things about yourself as well, so that the other person does not feel like they're the only one needing to be vulnerable. Curious if others have tips, too!
On "topic prep" I've found that if I just take all those times I was going to message someone "did Jill ever decide between those two job offers?", "how was volunteering for the election?", "how are your renovations going?" and store them up for a few weeks and then actually call them it is a lot easier to have a good 30-60 minute conversation instead of a less satisfying series of meh message exchanges that somehow take 8 hours schmeared across the entire day in dribs and drabs.
I would love if messaging apps had some kind of "do you really want to send this message or do you just want me to add it to your 'topic prep' list and then remind you to call them in a week while showing you your topic prep list?"
Love that idea! It's like creating a running agenda for your future phone calls!
Oh would love if anyone can share more ‘changing subject’ segues!
I have few more ideas! Would love to hear others, too!
"That makes me think of..."
"Totally unrelated, but..." [or similar, "This is random, but..."]
Can also bring back to earlier parts of the conversation - "Earlier you mentioned X..." or "I was just thinking about how you said Y before"
"Speaking of X..."
"While I'm thinking of it..."
The secret is you don't need a segue. Just change the subject.
This is true!
Timeless nuggets!
Thank you!
Love all these tips! Especially the side note "make the questions tell a story" tip 😊
Thank you Beck!
I have been cackling at this article! You have a great sense of humor! My husband…does not! I’m practically reading everything in here to him and I don’t even get a polite chuckle…what’s up with that 🤨. Also…just great info! Thanks
Thanks Brenda! Ha! We will keep working on your husband!
Really, really loved this. Related to sunk costs like sawdust bread, ever read The Paradox of Choice? I highly recommend it.
Thank you Tess! I haven't read it but definitely am familiar with it and some of the research behind it - will add it to the list! :)
Great ideas about conversations! I interviewed people in my work constantly, (I was a fraud investigators for a life insurance company) and tend to ask many questions. I always have to be mindful I am not interrogating people who I’ve just met. However, I do find that skill set is more functional than you would think!
Wow that is so interesting! Would love to hear if you have any more tips (especially for those types of *especially* tricky conversations)!
This answers so many questions I’ve been afraid to ask about conversing properly as someone who is…well, less than skilled at it. One follow up question (😉): are there any tips for making conversation easier when you’re caught off-guard/not prepped?
Given that I think most of the world's problems could be solved with better communication, I loved this piece. I might never stop being weird at parties, though. :)
Hello, I'm new here.
I found a valuable text with helpful tips for me. I've always been a shy person, so I'm always trying to develop and learn better ways to communicate and overcome my shyness. I really like music and technology, and I try to pass that and other values I believe in on my children. One is 12 years old and the other is a 7-year-old girl.
Conversations are key to saving lives too!
Please share this with your audience. We lose someone to suicide every 40 seconds!
I specialize in working with the high functioning under high pressure, who can fall through the cracks. #firstresponders #CEO #moms etc. etc. HUMANS!!!
Please feel free to browse through the topics of interest to you. I am currently working on what could possibly be the biggest #suicideprevention project ever. I will be sharing on how shifting our mindset on the #toxicthinking around #socialstigmas, like #suicidalthoughts and other toxic thoughts that plague our youth and #humanity is vital and our BIGGEST opportunity to #savelives from #suicide. Please stay tuned. AND please continue to share your feedback as it not only helps to guide what is needed but fuels me personally to continue bringing this all to the surface!! Please #subscribe and #share so you and people you care about don’t miss the launch! It could save a life! Visit Paintopossibilities.substack.com
We can't afford not to exercise suicide prevention right from the get go!
<3 this as I am someone who naturally thinks of conversation topics before I know I am going to be put in a situation to be talking to someone. It just naturally happens like that I guess. Great article.
idk i feel like when you plan out conversations, they lose their realness. the best convos just happen—no script, no pressure
The simple key to better conversations is to LISTEN more than you talk!;)