The secret to feeling like you matter
An interview with bestselling author Jennifer Breheny Wallace
Hello, hello! Sapiens, we’ve got a very special guest today: Jennifer Breheny Wallace.
I am a huge fan of Jennie’s first book Never Enough, so I was thrilled when her team reached out with her latest book, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose.
I loved it, and, not surprisingly, it seems a whole lot of other people do, too. Last week, it was named a New York Times bestseller, and as I was preparing this post, you know what showed up on my Instagram feed? Jennie talking to Oprah. Oprah! And now she’s here!
A big thank you to Jennie for her insights, and for writing a book that aims to make all of us (and the world) a little bit better.
You can find it here.
Let’s start with the basics: what is mattering? How is it different from other “well-being” concepts, like self-esteem or belonging?
Mattering is the experience of feeling valued by family, friends, colleagues, and society, and knowing you add value back. Psychologists have been studying mattering for decades and describe it as a meta-need, an umbrella term that captures other needs like connection, belonging, and purpose, while also going beyond each of them.
Self-esteem asks, “How do I feel about myself?” Belonging asks, “Am I included?” Mattering goes further, “Do I count—and do my actions make a positive impact on the world around me?”
That distinction turns out to be critical. For example, we can belong to a class, a workplace, a book group, or even a family, and still feel like we don’t matter to the people in that group. Mattering offers us the social proof that we crave, the knowledge that we and our actions make a difference to the group.
We talk a lot at Techno Sapiens about kids and technology (screens, social media, smartphones, AI), and I’m wondering how you see “mattering” in that context. Does technology help or hurt?
Technology is not inherently harmful. It reflects, amplifies, and magnifies the culture we are living in. At its best, it can support mattering by helping young people express themselves and find a community of people who genuinely care about them. When digital tools are used to strengthen real relationships to maintain friendships, they can support well-being.
The problems arise when technology becomes a replacement for deeper relationships and a distraction from the daily signals of mattering. Screens, by their nature, pull our attention away from these cues. For children and teens, technology can blur the difference between interaction and what a nourishing relationship feels like.
Social platforms are designed to deliver feedback, such as likes, views, and comments, but feedback is not the same as mattering. Mattering requires investment. It’s the sense that someone would notice if you were gone, would worry if you were struggling, and would support you through setbacks. Digital affirmation is fast, but it is shallow
It can also hollow out the critical parent-child relationship. When a child is talking, and we glance down at a phone, those small moments can accumulate into a feeling of being less important than whatever is happening on the screen.
When we put down our devices during meals, conversations, or moments of connection, we are sending a clear signal that you matter more than the outside world. In a culture saturated with distraction, attention is a critical way to tell someone how much they matter to us. As theologian David Augsburger puts it, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
How can parents encourage a sense of mattering in their kids?
From the moment they are born, children are wired to connect. Children are constantly gathering evidence about their worth, and they take their cues from us. When a caregiver responds to a child or teenager with warmth, the child learns their first and most foundational lesson: I am seen. I am important. Feeling valued is built into these everyday exchanges.
In the whirlwind of parenting—diapers, homework, carpools, endless questions—it’s easy to underestimate how formative these small moments are. But the way you look up when they enter a room, the way you listen to their stories (even when they are long!), the way you reassure them that they are enough just as they are, all shape a child’s sense of self.
As children grow, mattering deepens when they see they can add value, that they’re needed at home, school, and in their wider world. Being counted on through age-appropriate chores, helping a sibling, contributing at school, or supporting a friend reinforces the message that they are capable of making a positive difference.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent. You don’t have to get it right every time. What matters most is that, over time, your child comes to know deep inside that they are valued, that they are needed, and that they have something meaningful to offer the world
What is one thing each of us can do today to cultivate mattering in our lives?
Children also learn about mattering by watching how adults treat themselves. When parents protect friendships, tend to their own needs, and make room for meaning and rest, they show children how to matter to themselves. This idea can feel countercultural in a society that tells parents, especially mothers, that a “good mother” puts everyone’s needs before their own.
What I’ve come to realize in studying mattering over these past seven years, is that if I want to be a sturdy adult for my children, I need to care for myself—that self-care is actually other care. So now, in the morning, I ask myself, “What small need do I need to meet today so I can show up as my best self for the people who depend on me?”
It might be a walk, a long conversation with a friend, or asking for help with something I usually do on my own. Meeting one small need is how we stay sufficiently resourced to be present and generous with the people who rely on us.
Our brains are wired to remember what went wrong—what psychologists call a negativity bias. I’ve found that a simple 30-second prompt can help override that tendency and help us feed our sense of mattering.
At the end of the day, I ask myself two questions:
(1) Where did I feel valued today? and
(2) Where did I add value today?
These two prompts can help us focus on and connect with the good in ourselves and others.
A quick survey
What did you think of this week’s Techno Sapiens? Your feedback helps me make this better. Thank you!
Thank you Jacqueline for this conversation! The distinction between belonging and mattering stayed with me, especially the idea that one can be included everywhere and still feel invisible. The emphasis on attention as a currency of care felt particularly poignant in a world where distraction is normalized.
One idea your interview stirred is how mattering may be less about intensity and more about continuity. It’s not the grand gestures that convince someone they matter, but the quiet certainty that they will still be noticed tomorrow, and the day after that. I wonder how much anxiety — in both children and adults — stems from environments where attention is abundant but unreliable, and how steadiness itself might be the most underrated expression of love.
What struck me here is how close “mattering” is to love in practice.
Not the loud or performative kind — but the quiet experience of being seen, known, and needed.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot while writing a three-part piece on love and meaning in a distracted age — that people don’t just want affirmation, they want to know their life actually counts to someone.
If that idea resonates, I wrote more about it here:
https://theeternalnowmm.substack.com/p/eternal-love?r=71z4jh