Welcome back to Techno Sapiens! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist, professor, and mom of a toddler and preschooler who both love to take my best-laid plans—a trip to the museum! A “simple” craft project! A bike ride around the neighborhood!—and throw them directly into the garbage.
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6 min read
Hi there, sapiens.
Apparently, it’s “back to school season.”
Yes, yes, I know the data: more than half of U.S. students are back in the classroom by mid-August, so the end of summer really is fast approaching. But I’m choosing to cope with this information by (literally) going to the beach, (figuratively) burying my head in the sand, and (emotionally?) hoping those school medical forms simply fill themselves out.1
However! I know for many families, this time of year means less denial and more preparation. And part of that preparation involves new digital devices, including, for some, a phone.
So, if you’ve decided to take the plunge on getting your child their first phone, how can you set them (and you) up for success?
I’ve got plans
There are some situations in parenting where a “let’s just see how it goes” approach is totally appropriate. I’m thinking, for example, of a recent travel day with my family, involving a two-hour ferry ride and three-hour car trip that coincided with my 2-year-old’s nap time (spoiler: it did not go well, but was partially remedied by a quick gas station stop for snacks).2
Your child getting a first phone is not one of those situations.
You’ll want to go in with a plan.
This can be overwhelming, I know. There are a lot of conflicting pieces of advice, scary headlines, and dire warnings out there when it comes to introducing a phone.
So, let me start by offering a quick reframe: a first phone (or, really, any new device) can actually be an opportunity.
It’s a great time to have important conversations, get clear on boundaries, and set the tone for ongoing, open communication about what is and is not working when it comes to your family’s tech use.
Okay, fine, an opportunity. But where do I start?
Wouldn’t it be nice if someone could just outline all the conversations you might want to have, the rules to think through, the expectations to set—and put that all together in a user-friendly, interactive website you could use together with your child?
Well, gather round, sapiens, because I have good news for you! This does, in fact, exist thanks to our friends at Straight Talk Wireless.
When Straight Talk approached me about working together to create a “First Phone Pact” for families, I was excited because I’ve long believed in the importance of approaching this milestone thoughtfully. I love the idea of families discussing and agreeing on the guidelines for phone use upfront, and also love the idea of a tool to do this that’s free and widely available online.
The First Phone Pact is a customizable template that guides you through decision-making on key topics—phone-free zones, a plan for monitoring, digital etiquette, safety, parents’ own phone use, and more.
One of the things I love about it is that it prompts parent-child discussions about these issues,3 which is important because when kids feel they have a voice, it can go a long way toward increasing buy-in and encouraging future conversations.
It’s totally adaptable, so you can use it to develop guidelines that feel right for your family, and it’s available for free at thefirstphonepact.com.4
Planning for your plan
Alright, now, let’s imagine you’ve taken some deep breaths, you’ve teamed up with your child, and you’re ready to get started on your First Phone Pact.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:
1. Set the tone
If you’re tempted to enter this conversation by spewing a long list of don’t you even think about’s and have you *seen* what’s out there?’s, that would be understandable. It’s also unlikely to be the most effective approach.
It is a good idea to be clear about rules and note any risks you’re concerned about, but make sure you’re also asking questions, listening to your child’s point of view, and trying to remain as open, curious, and non-judgmental as possible.
2. Take your time
This does not need to be a single conversation. In fact, the goal of this conversation is, at the end of the day, to spark more conversations. If you get stuck when deciding on a rule, or are having trouble getting on the same page as your child, take a break. Go for a walk. Have a snack.5 And come back to it later.
3. Get specific
Try to be as clear as possible with the boundaries you agree on.
If you’re choosing a “bedtime” for the phone (i.e., when it goes away for the night), decide on a specific time, where the phone will go, and how it’ll happen (Will you remind your child? Will they be expected to remember?). If you’re setting a phone-free zone (like, in their bedroom), decide what will happen if the rule is broken. And so on.
Of course, you’ll never account for every possible scenario, and things will evolve as you figure out what works—so make a plan to regularly revisit your pact and update as needed.
4. Share in the excitement
The first phone can feel like a big milestone, and your child is likely to be excited about it. There’s nothing wrong with this!
In fact, it’s a good time to show your child that you’re on their team. You can be clear about your rules and concerns, and be excited alongside them as they take on this new responsibility.
5. Join in
Your child is likely to be paying very close attention to your phone habits now, so you’ll want to do the same. A child’s first phone is a good time for everyone in the family to brush up on their phone etiquette and house rules.
You won’t be perfect, and neither will your child. Even with the best laid plans, managing device use is often a work in progress—for adults and kids alike.
Keep working on it, keep talking about it, and don’t be afraid to revisit your plan.
Thank you to Straight Talk Wireless for sponsoring this post, and remember to check out The First Phone Pact, developed by Straight Talk (and me!), at thefirstphonepact.com.
I, like many parents, do have mixed feelings about back-to-school season. On the one hand, I do not want summer to end. I love summer! But on the other hand, if I have to pack one more camp bag—the bathing suits! The towels! The shoes and sandals and changes of clothes!—I will break into the nearest school and resume classes myself.
So far, “novelty snacks” (i.e., snacks my children rarely eat otherwise) are the most successful strategy I’ve found for navigating long travel days. The only downside is that this seems to build a strong Pavlovian association, and my toddler now demands Nilla Wafers every time we get into a car.
In other words, the pact encourages a “straight talk” between parents and kids (!). Sapiens, you know I love a play on words. This one is almost too delightful for me to handle.
Often when I offer guidance on tech and parenting issues, it can feel like I’m just sending things out into the ether, vaguely hoping people will stumble on them—so I’m excited that this partnership with Straight Talk means a resource that will be widely available and freely accessible for any family who wants to use it.
Just not Nilla Wafers, because my toddler already ate them all.