As the oldest of 5 kids (now all grown up and we truly do love to hang together!) what I struggle with is the dynamic of just having two kids who tend to be very competitive with one another particularly for parent attention. With more kids there's a natural working out and taking sides with the others that happened (and not a feeling of mom/dad love this other one more) and that dynamic just doesn't happen as much with two. Are there any good resources out there for specifically building good relationships between two siblings?
This is a good point! Highly recommend the "More Fun with Brothers and Sisters" program - it's evidence-based and offers great tips for relationships between two siblings
It can be tough navigating the dynamics of sibling rivalry. I’ve found that setting aside one-on-one time with each child can help foster a stronger bond between them. Good luck!
I was 2.5 when my sister was born and reportedly said, "Let's cut up the crib and throw things at the baby." I think my mom tried to force some bonding by dressing us alike when we were young (I hated it and refused to do the same for my children). She always wanted to give me gifts, and I was the selfish older sibling. Thankfully, I matured. 45 years later, we have a great relationship.
Two older sisters (yes I'm 3rd) two younger brothers & 3 additional sisters. We remain close, not always the best behaved. Life complicates our lives & we each have strong personalities yet we each support one another.
I ABSOLUTELY love this article and is perfectly timed (well maybe 3 weeks ago would have been better with school getting out 4 weeks ago and my kids aging out of summer camps). We are a family of introverts, my oldest at 14 even more than her sister at almost 12 but the youngest wants her sister to play with her for hours a day while the older wants her alone time after they do their assigned summer activities (since they don’t have camps they still need to exercise, play music, read, write,learn a language and color (ok they can’t all be school related assignments). I try to distract the younger when her sister rejects her or force her sister to play but the strategies here will be starting today! So thank you for the reminder of talking about feelings and treating them equally(I’ve been getting called out on this since school ended and since in more like my oldest it’s probably true) bc although I talk to the older about empathy and playing with her sister the younger isn’t good at recognizing emotion, though therapy helps them both, but I need to continue at home too. Also, “bunny” and “blankie” are very worn but still loved at bedtime (or all day for my 11 year old when home). I highly recommend buying (and hiding) a backup in case it ever disintegrates completely or gets lost. And finally the home edit is an amazing show I’ve learned tips and tricks from for organizing(rainbows are the best) and it’s just fun to watch two silly mom friends together as a mental break. I’ve started organizing volunteer roles with the local shelter and the school involving my kids with me. My therapist says organizing is great when I feel like I’m in too much chaos. She’s not kidding! lol. Thanks for all you do! Truly keeping my parenting skills on track with methods I love applying and watching to work. And your footnotes always make me smile. Oh, and a friend that is also a therapist told me a way to think about siblings for the oldest. Imagine your husband brought home a second wife - you may feel like why wasn’t I enough? Now I have to share you? Your oldest may feel the same way, while the younger is born into a life of competing for your attention (and being amazingly good at it through manipulation). Once the baby is old enough to play it dies get easier! Sort of (note your article lol)
Great and helpful article. I love your specifical and helpful tips May I add to it?
Rememer that all behavior is purposeful, including your kids. When your child's emotions pour out, ask the kiddo, "What do you want that you're trying to get by _________? Fill in the blank by whatever the child's behavior is, like shouting, crying, throwing, hitting. Once your kiddo tells you what she wants, help her learn how to get it through choosing more effective and responsible behaviors. This same process can be used when 2 or more kids are in conflict: Child A what do you want? Child B what do you want? Let's figure out a way where you both can get what you want. I call this my "MAGICAL QUESTION" because kids answer and tell you what they want. It's the same as asking "Why did you do that?" but universally kids answer that question with a shrug or "I don't know." Most times they will tell you what they want when you ask, "What do you want that you're trying to get by ________?" And they will agree to work with you to learn a more effective behavior. MAGIC!
As the oldest of 5 kids (now all grown up and we truly do love to hang together!) what I struggle with is the dynamic of just having two kids who tend to be very competitive with one another particularly for parent attention. With more kids there's a natural working out and taking sides with the others that happened (and not a feeling of mom/dad love this other one more) and that dynamic just doesn't happen as much with two. Are there any good resources out there for specifically building good relationships between two siblings?
This is a good point! Highly recommend the "More Fun with Brothers and Sisters" program - it's evidence-based and offers great tips for relationships between two siblings
It can be tough navigating the dynamics of sibling rivalry. I’ve found that setting aside one-on-one time with each child can help foster a stronger bond between them. Good luck!
I was 2.5 when my sister was born and reportedly said, "Let's cut up the crib and throw things at the baby." I think my mom tried to force some bonding by dressing us alike when we were young (I hated it and refused to do the same for my children). She always wanted to give me gifts, and I was the selfish older sibling. Thankfully, I matured. 45 years later, we have a great relationship.
Ha! "cut up the crib and throw things at the baby" is so specific!! Glad things have worked out 45 years later :)
That’s a great story of how sibling relationships can evolve over time. Glad to hear you have a great relationship now!
I come from a clan of 8, yep!
Two older sisters (yes I'm 3rd) two younger brothers & 3 additional sisters. We remain close, not always the best behaved. Life complicates our lives & we each have strong personalities yet we each support one another.
I ABSOLUTELY love this article and is perfectly timed (well maybe 3 weeks ago would have been better with school getting out 4 weeks ago and my kids aging out of summer camps). We are a family of introverts, my oldest at 14 even more than her sister at almost 12 but the youngest wants her sister to play with her for hours a day while the older wants her alone time after they do their assigned summer activities (since they don’t have camps they still need to exercise, play music, read, write,learn a language and color (ok they can’t all be school related assignments). I try to distract the younger when her sister rejects her or force her sister to play but the strategies here will be starting today! So thank you for the reminder of talking about feelings and treating them equally(I’ve been getting called out on this since school ended and since in more like my oldest it’s probably true) bc although I talk to the older about empathy and playing with her sister the younger isn’t good at recognizing emotion, though therapy helps them both, but I need to continue at home too. Also, “bunny” and “blankie” are very worn but still loved at bedtime (or all day for my 11 year old when home). I highly recommend buying (and hiding) a backup in case it ever disintegrates completely or gets lost. And finally the home edit is an amazing show I’ve learned tips and tricks from for organizing(rainbows are the best) and it’s just fun to watch two silly mom friends together as a mental break. I’ve started organizing volunteer roles with the local shelter and the school involving my kids with me. My therapist says organizing is great when I feel like I’m in too much chaos. She’s not kidding! lol. Thanks for all you do! Truly keeping my parenting skills on track with methods I love applying and watching to work. And your footnotes always make me smile. Oh, and a friend that is also a therapist told me a way to think about siblings for the oldest. Imagine your husband brought home a second wife - you may feel like why wasn’t I enough? Now I have to share you? Your oldest may feel the same way, while the younger is born into a life of competing for your attention (and being amazingly good at it through manipulation). Once the baby is old enough to play it dies get easier! Sort of (note your article lol)
Thanks so much! So glad you found it helpful!
Of course, this is based on the basic premise that a parent is both physically and emotionally present in the day-to-day life of a child.
Great and helpful article. I love your specifical and helpful tips May I add to it?
Rememer that all behavior is purposeful, including your kids. When your child's emotions pour out, ask the kiddo, "What do you want that you're trying to get by _________? Fill in the blank by whatever the child's behavior is, like shouting, crying, throwing, hitting. Once your kiddo tells you what she wants, help her learn how to get it through choosing more effective and responsible behaviors. This same process can be used when 2 or more kids are in conflict: Child A what do you want? Child B what do you want? Let's figure out a way where you both can get what you want. I call this my "MAGICAL QUESTION" because kids answer and tell you what they want. It's the same as asking "Why did you do that?" but universally kids answer that question with a shrug or "I don't know." Most times they will tell you what they want when you ask, "What do you want that you're trying to get by ________?" And they will agree to work with you to learn a more effective behavior. MAGIC!
Thanks for letting me comment.