How to listen

Using therapy skills for better conversations

Happy Hallo-week, sapiens! I don’t know about you, but my children have been in pirate costumes nonstop for a month, we’re averaging twice-per-day meltdowns about lost accessories (eye patch, compass, treasure map), and the festivities have bred a steady diet of sour gummies and Doritos.¹ ‘Tis the season! (Also, please share what you and/or your kids are being for Halloween in the comments!)

To those who are new here, welcome! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist and professor at Brown University, co-founder of Tech Without Stress, and mom of two young kids who currently answer only to “Ole One-Eye” and “Captain Bones.”

Thanks for supporting Techno Sapiens!

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6 min read

When I was in graduate school for clinical psychology, one of the very first things we learned was how to listen.

It turns out, this is an important skill for a therapist.

I remember sitting outside at a coffee shop, not yet adjusted to the North Carolina humidity, my clammy hand pressing a pen to the pages of a textbook.² I dutifully underlined phrases like “eye contact” and “open questions.” I read through sample therapist-patient dialogues. I highlighted a section encouraging me to “lean slightly forward with an expressive face.” 

I remember thinking: Isn’t this obvious? Isn’t listening a skill that comes naturally to most of us? Just look at the person, ask some questions, and don’t be a jerk?

I then started paying attention to this in my own relationships (a dangerous side effect of learning to be a therapist),³ and it quickly became clear: this is not obvious. Sure, many of us have a general sense of what makes for good listening, but the truth is that it is harder than it looks. 

I’ve found this especially true since becoming a parent. Now, that counseling textbook is long forgotten. Chaos reigns.

I find myself shouting WHAT DID YOU SAY? up the stairs to my husband, eyes never leaving my laptop. Or offering distracted “uh huhs” to friends because a child is clinging to my leg, crying because their brother took one sip out of their water bottle and this is the thirstiest they have ever been in their life and now there’s NOT ENOUGH WATER LEFT. 

Active listening, indeed.  

No matter how obvious it may seem, good listening requires being intentional, whether it’s a conversation with your child, a new acquaintance, or your partner of 14 years. 

Let’s talk about how to do it.

Microskills for all

The skills I read about in that textbook, and the ones we’ll discuss now, are sometimes called microskills. They are what you get when you break down effective communication into small, measurable units. Some counseling microskills are not especially relevant to everyday conversations (i.e., most people are not structuring playground small talk into a standard 5-Stage Interview), but many of the skills are. 

So, if you’d like to be a better listener to the people in your lives, listen up! Here are some ideas.

1. Pay attention

I know, I know. This seems obvious (see above), but it is surprisingly easy to forget about the basics. We need to pay attention, yes, but we also need to show that we’re paying attention through:

Visual eye contact

We want to look at people when they’re talking to us, but avoid scaring them with constant, unbroken eye contact. If a person is talking about something that makes them uncomfortable, it can make sense to ease up on the eye contact. And if you want to signal that you’re comfortable with a topic they bring up, try not to stare at the floor.

Vocal qualities

Use your voice to convey interest. A louder volume, higher pitch, and occasional interjections (Wow! Oh, good point!)—all within reason, of course—signals you care about what they’re saying.

Verbal tracking

Don’t change the subject too abruptly. Stick with the conversation thread and ask follow-up questions (see below).

Body language

Show you’re interested by smiling, nodding, learning forward, and/or other encouraging gestures.⁴

2. Ask (the right) questions

When you ask more questions, people like you better. Research suggests that, when people are brought into the lab to have a conversation (even for just 15 minutes), those who ask more questions are rated as more likable. But the type of question matters, too.

A 2017 study highlights common types of conversational questions. For example:

• Introductory questions. How are you? or What’s up?

• Mirroring questions. Them: What’s your go-to coffee order? You: Extra large cold brew. How about you?

There are also a range of responsive questions. For example, if they say, We’re taking the kids pumpkin picking this weekend, you might respond with:

• Follow-up question. How fun! How are the kids feeling about it?

• Partial switch question: How fun! Have you guys been apple picking, too?

• Full switch question: How fun! Have you seen Nobody Wants This?

In short, the research suggests that liking increases most when we use more Follow Up questions.

Another tip: if you want to keep the conversation going (including with your child), avoid closed questions (which can be answered by a word or two) and focus on open questions (which usually start with what, how, or why).

• Closed question: Did you have fun learning about bees today?⁵

• Open question: How was science class today?

3. Encourage

Encouragers, both nonverbal and verbal, prompt the other person to keep talking. This can include head nods, utterances (“mmm” and “uh-huh”), and even silence, as long as it’s paired with nonverbal indicators that you’re interested. You can also try very short questions or statements that repeat back what the person just said. 

For example, if they say something like: I just feel like the show was a bit overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it! It’s just that I think the enthusiasm is more about people craving a classic rom-com than it is about the quality of the plot or characters.⁶

You might encourage with:

• Short phrase: You think it’s overrated!

• Short questions: Quality of the plot? or Classic rom-com?

4. Paraphrase and summarize

This skill starts to veer closer to “therapy talk” than “everyday conversation,” but can still be useful in the right circumstances, like if a friend or partner is struggling with a problem. It can also be especially useful with kids, helping us avoid the temptation of immediately jumping in to solve problems, and instead listening, supporting, and empathizing first. Here’s how to do it:

• Start with a sentence stem: Something like I hear you saying… or It sounds like… or Okay, it looks like…

• Get the essence: Summarize what the person said in a sentence or two in your own words, but sprinkle in some key words that they used. You can also reflect feelings here, labeling the emotion you think the person might be experiencing.

• Checkout: Ask them a question to make sure you got it right, like Is that close? or Did I hear that right?

So, to take a current example, let’s imagine your teen is upset about her school’s new “away for the day” phone policy. Here’s how this might look:

• Summarize: So, it sounds like [sentence stem] you’re frustrated [reflect feeling] about the new policy because it feels hypocritical [key word], and also because it makes it harder for you to meet up with Kristen after school [essence]. Is that right? [checkout]

Go forth and listen

A lot has changed in my life since the days of that introductory textbook. I have two kids. I’m no longer in graduate school. I know better than to try reading outside in the middle of the day in August in North Carolina. But being a better listener is something I’ll always be practicing, no matter how obvious it might seem.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I heard my husband saying something upstairs…

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A quick survey

What did you think of this week’s Techno Sapiens? Your feedback helps me make this better. Thanks!

The Best | Great | Good | Meh | The Worst

1. I had to wash the pirate costume this weekend because the sleeves were coated with Doritos dust. There were many tears from Ole One-Eye.

2. I did retrieve the textbook from the dusty depths of my bookshelf to write this post. I knew I saved it for a reason! (besides improving my Zoom backdrop)

3. The initial stages of learning to be a therapist can be very dangerous for the people around you. My now husband was a great sport, but I do think there were a number of times when he suspected (correctly) that I was inadvertently trying out new therapy skills on him.

4. Therapists love a good nod. When I defended my dissertation (i.e., a powerpoint presentation with an audience), it was the first time my parents and graduate school friends had been in the same room. One of the first things my parents asked afterward was why my (very supportive) friends were nodding so much as I talked.

5. My three-year-old is very into “science” at his preschool right now. He loves relaying the facts he’s learned about bugs, and I think some are getting lost in translation. Though, to be honest, I don’t know enough about bugs to be sure. He recently shared that butterflies are VERY important (seems true) because they help make apples (maybe indirectly?) Also that bees drink honey (can bees drink things?).

6. This is merely a hypothetical example of a statement one could make about a show that could have been the number one series on Netflix this month.