Q&A: How do I handle tantrums without making it worse?

I have a 3-year-old (almost 4), and I’m trying to figure out the best way to handle tantrums. I don’t want to “reinforce” the kicking, screaming, etc. by giving him what he wants, and I’ve read about how it can work sometimes to just totally ignore “bad” behavior. But I also worry about leaving him alone with his feelings or somehow conveying that it’s not okay for him to feel upset. A lot of times I end up sitting with him, hugging him, and telling him I’m there for him, but I wonder if that’s just making it worse? I’m confused!

Discipline is confusing. So many opinions. So much conflicting advice. So many Instagram momfluencers warning of long-term emotional damage. So many screaming children demanding chicken fingers with great urgency.

I think your question pinpoints one of the key dilemmas here. On the one hand, we want to validate our children’s emotions and teach them that it’s okay for them to have strong feelings. On the other hand, we want to set boundaries and avoid accidentally reinforcing unwanted behavior by giving it lots of attention.

This is a tricky balance, and one that—in my opinion—is never going to be perfect. I think we’re aiming for, like, 65% accuracy here. Keeping some general principles in mind, doing our best to uphold them, but knowing that often there’s no one right answer to chicken finger screaming.