Should you read your kid’s texts?
Should you read your kid’s texts?
The great debate
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Summary for Busy Sapiens
72% of parents of 13- and 14-year-olds sometimes look at their teen’s call records or text messaging history. 48% of parents of 15- to 17-year-olds do.
There’s no data to suggest that reading your child’s text messages is something you need to do.
There’s also no data to suggest that doing so—when communicated in advance and paired with other, age-appropriate tech parenting strategies—is something you shouldn’t do.
Whether to monitor your child’s device will depend on your preferences, as well as your child’s age, history, and tech access
Since entering parenthood, I’ve become acutely aware that parenting decisions can be polarizing. Some issues are so controversial that warring parenting factions have developed on either side. Sleep training. Timeouts. Breastfeeding. I was recently with a few friends, all of whom had babies under the age of one. Each baby was voraciously shoving handfuls of puffs—those baby snacks, in wholesome flavors like “beetroot” and “kale,” that seem to be made entirely of air—into their mouths, allowing the parents a few minutes of uninterrupted conversation.
As my son wedged an entire puff-filled hand into his mouth, his cheeks filling up chipmunk-style, a friend mentioned that she’d heard puffs had become a source of controversy in the parentsphere. Something about the sugar content. Mystified, I later googled and found—I kid you not—an article titled “The Great Puff Debate.” For God’s sake, I thought. Not the puffs! Is nothing sacred anymore? Must they destroy everything we care about? Must they take away what little we have left?
Whether or not to read our kids’ texts seems to be one of these parenting lightning rod issues. If you do, you’re invading your child’s privacy and ensuring lifelong trust issues. If you don’t, you’re negligent and might as well hand over your car keys and let your 12-year-old joyride alone down I-95.
Surely, there must be a middle ground.1
Oh, a parenting controversy? *grabs popcorn*
The issue at hand is, essentially, how closely to monitor what our kids are doing on their phones.
The data on parental monitoring suggests that kids whose parents are more aware of what they’re up to day-to-day tend to have better outcomes, like lower depressive symptoms and fewer risky behaviors. But how to do that monitoring, particularly when it comes to our children’s phones, is the question.
There’s very little debate around other (effective) forms of monitoring, like asking our kids what they’re up to on their phones, creating an environment where they feel comfortable disclosing what’s happening online, and having open and honest conversations. Most parents agree that these things are a good idea.
Where the debate arises, of course, is around the more direct forms of monitoring—physically checking your child’s device (or using some kind of monitoring software) to see their texts, for example, or their social media activity. This feels much trickier.
Many parents have a strong, knee jerk reaction to the idea of direct monitoring. The anti text-readers feel strongly that it’s a violation of privacy. The pro text-readers feel it’s a necessary step to keep kids safe. What we all have in common, though, is that we love our kids and also sometimes want to throw their phones directly into a pile of flaming garbage.
So what should I do? Should I read my kid’s texts?
With so many parenting questions, it would be a lot easier if someone could just give us a straight yes or no. But, contrary to what Instagram would have us believe, so many parenting questions can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. Or even with a branded carousel post in soothing pastels.
This is one of those not-so-simple questions. Whether and how much to monitor your child’s device is going to depend on many different factors, including your own values and preferences, as well as your child’s age, history, and needs.
Nationally representative data from 2018 suggests that 72% of parents of 13- and 14-year-olds at least sometimes look at their teen’s call records or text messaging history, and 48% of parents of 15- to 17-year-olds do. Ultimately, reasonable parents will make different decisions about whether and how much to monitor their children’s devices.
So, let’s talk about how to think about this question. What are the important considerations? How might they apply to you and your child? And, finally, if reading your kids’ texts is part of your tech parenting plan, how should you do it?
I feel uncomfy. How do I even start to think about this?
It can be helpful to approach specific questions with some larger parenting principles in mind. Here’s the key parenting framework to think about for whether to read your kid’s texts: balancing kids’ independence versus safety.
Teens (and pre-teens) are working toward becoming independent, functioning adult members of society. To do so, they need some privacy, some space to take risks, some opportunities to make mistakes. Teens and tweens, you may have also noticed, are not yet adult members of society. They need some guardrails to keep them safe. They need an adult to be aware of what they’re up to and make sure they don’t, say, accidentally shut their sibling’s fingers in a doorframe, as one of my brothers once did to the other.2
So how can we foster both independence and safety when it comes to our kids and their phones?
The first step is communication. I know, I know. You’ve heard it before. But it’s true that no matter what approach you take to monitoring your kid’s safety, the goal is to talk about it openly. To share your perspective, to communicate about the plan, to listen to your child’s perspective, too.
Perhaps the most important thing to know if you decide to directly monitor your child’s device is this: you should talk about it with them openly and in advance. Spying—secretly reading their texts without them knowing you’re going to do so—is not a good idea.
Okay, safety, independence, communication. Got it. But how do I decide what to do?
The first consideration in whether and how to monitor your child’s device is your child. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Here are some child-specific factors you might consider:
Age (and maturity). Younger or less mature kids are going to need more supervision, but as teens age, they’re going to need more independence. If your kid is 11, 12, maybe 13, phone checks may make sense. But if they’re older than that, it’s important to start loosening the reins and giving them more independence.
Personal History. If your kid is pretty responsible, follows the rules, is open with you, comes to you when they have a problem, etc., checking their phone might not be necessary. If your kid tends to take more risks, maybe has a harder time following rules, is struggling emotionally, or tends not to share much, checking their phone might be a better idea. Teens who are prone to more rule-breaking and risky behavior in their offline lives are likely going to need more supervision online, too.
Tech Experience. If you are going to directly monitor your child’s device, the best time to do it is when they first get a phone. At that time, they’ll have less experience with using their own device, and likely need more scaffolding. It’s also (much) easier to set the expectation that you’ll be doing “spot checks” upfront.
Serious Concerns. If you have serious concerns about your child’s health or safety—for example, if you suspect they may be harming themselves or using drugs— checking their phone might be necessary.
Here are some other considerations you’ll want to keep in mind when deciding what to do:
What are the other pieces of your tech parenting plan? There is almost no situation in which direct monitoring of a child’s device will work as a standalone approach. If you decide to do it, you’ll want to make sure it’s coupled with other strategies like: regular communication about tech, clear rules and expectations for tech use, and validation for tech struggles.
How often will you monitor? It’s likely not a good idea (and also, incredibly impractical) to read every text message your 12-year-old sends. Many families find that an occasional check is plenty. In fact, simply setting the expectation that you’ll do “spot checks,” without ever actually needing to do them, can sometimes be enough to encourage a child to think twice before they hit ‘send.’ You might also consider slightly more frequent checks when they first get a phone, and taper off over time.
How will you check? Some families do an occasional scan of recent texts, messages, and/or posts. Others have their kids give them a “tour” of what they’re up to. Others boldly hover near their phone-using child, stealing occasional glances and asking what are you up to? Choose your own adventure!
What will you do if you come across something you don’t like? This is an important one. On one of my favorite podcasts, psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour compares direct phone monitoring to a full-body CT scan. It will pick up on any big problems, which is great. But it will also pick up on some other stuff—bad language, inappropriate jokes—that you kind of wish you didn’t see in the first place. My advice is to let the small stuff go as much as possible. You’ll have more credibility if you need to address something bigger.
My kid is about to get their first phone, and I want to do occasional checks of their text messages. What do I say to them?
So you’ve decided that direct monitoring will be one component of your family tech plan. You’ve talked about your rules and limits, and you’ve discussed okay and not-okay phone behavior. Here’s how you might approach the monitoring conversation:
Note: This script is an excerpt from my interview with Emily Oster. You can check out the full interview here.
Show you care: I love you and I care so much about you.
Provide rationale: I’m sure you’re excited to get your phone, and I want you to know I trust you. At the same time, having a phone is a big change. It’s my job as a parent to make sure you’re safe, and part of that is making sure things go well with your phone.
Frame it as a learning process: Learning to use a phone safely and responsibly takes practice, and I’m here to help you while you’re learning.
Let them know you’re open to talk: I hope you’ll come talk to me if you run into anything you’re confused or worried about.
Explain your monitoring plan: One way I’m going to make sure you’re safe is by [occasionally checking what’s happening on your phone] or [having you show me what’s happening on your phone] or [asking you to show/tell me who you’re talking to and what you’re posting], etc.
Promise not to jump to conclusions: If there’s anything concerning, I promise I’ll come to you first, and we can talk about it before doing anything else.
Make a plan to re-evaluate: Once we both feel comfortable with how things are going with your phone, we’ll revisit this plan.
If they say it’s a violation of their trust: I trust you, and I know that you’re going to use your phone in a way that’s responsible. But everyone makes mistakes, and I want to make sure I can help you learn when that happens. There are also some things that are out of your control when you start using a phone (like things people send you, or people who try to message you), and it’s my job to make sure you’re safe.
The Bottom Line
There’s no data to suggest that reading your child’s text messages is something you need to do. There’s also no data to suggest that doing so—when communicated in advance and paired with other, age-appropriate tech parenting strategies—is something you shouldn’t do. For many families, occasionally checking their child’s device can be one component of an effective tech parenting plan.
Despite what the angry parent mobs would have us believe, there is likely no one right answer here. When it comes to parenting, it seems there’s never a simple yes or no.
Except on the question of whether it’s okay to give your child puffs.3 In that case, the answer is yes.
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In case you missed it
I’ve written and spoken on this topic before, but it’s often been buried at the bottom of (very long) posts and interviews. It’s a complicated topic, and one I get asked about frequently, so I decided it deserved its own post.
I will spare you all the gory details on this incident, but suffice to say that when my older brother was 11 years old, he accidentally (?) slammed my younger, 7-year-old brother’s fingers into a door frame in the midst of an argument. It involved a large amount of blood and a small amount of re-attaching fingertips with dozens of stitches. Also, my parents were on vacation for the first (and only) time in their adult lives, and we were staying with a babysitter who, I assume, never fully recovered.
What is the appeal of puffs for babies? I cannot overstate how much my son loves these things. We’ve started bringing an emergency supply with us when we take him for walks around the neighborhood, lest we be stranded for a full ten minutes without them in a time of crisis. My son does not discriminate on flavors—he’s enthusiastic about any of the healthy-sounding varieties that (successfully) bate millennial parents. I recently came across these ones from Yumi, which claim to be (wait for it): organic, gluten free, non-GMO, plant-based, BPA free, dairy free, sugar free, and preservative free, plus made with only 3 ingredients, one of which is “organic beet powder.” I hate everything about this. Also, I’m probably going to buy them.