When your child's not grateful

Let us turn to the science

Welcome to Techno Sapiens! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist and professor at Brown University, co-founder of Tech Without Stress, and mom of two young kids. If you like Techno Sapiens, please consider sharing it with a friend today. Thanks for your support!

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4 min read

I’m driving, and my three year old is sitting happily behind me in his carseat. I glance over my shoulder to see him clutching the turkey he finger painted in preschool today.

Did you talk about Thanksgiving today at school? I ask.

Yes. He says.

What did you learn about?

Silence.

I decide to dive right in.

Did you know that Thanksgiving is all about thinking and talking about the things you’re thankful for? To get the ball rolling, I suggest a few things a person might be thankful for—family, friends, having good food to eat, etc.

More silence.

What do you think you’re thankful for?

More silence, increasingly deafening, until—

Mom!

…and there’s hope!

Worms have no eyes. They see with their skin.¹

I continue driving.

The grateful dread

As a parent, my main priority is raising my children to be good people. The kind of people who care about others, who give back to their communities, who are grateful for what they have.²

In my more anxious-introspective moments, I worry about this. Am I doing enough to instill these values? Am I teaching them to be good? Is impulse-buying multiple 3-foot-tall Home Depot nutcrackers while running errands with the kids really sending the right message?³

In a world of constant me, me, me, how can I teach my kids to look outside themselves? How can I raise them to be grateful?

The science of gratitude in kids

The research on how to encourage gratitude in kids is relatively new, so there’s still a lot we don’t know. Luckily for us, however, my good friend Drew Rothenberg happens to be an expert in this area (one of the many benefits of a clinical psychology degree).

So, I texted him last week to ask how to prevent children from becoming selfish, ungrateful jerks—purely for academic reasons.

He directed me to the work of his former lab at UNC Chapel Hill, and specifically, a project called Raising Grateful Children.

The Raising Grateful Children project has found that there are three key practices parents can use to foster gratitude in their kids. Though research suggests that gratitude commonly emerges between ages 7 and 10, we can start engaging in these practices at any time.

1. Niche selection

Finding groups and activities (“niches”) for kids that foster gratitude.

In one study, when parents involved their children (ages 6 to 9) in more gratitude-related activities, those children expressed gratitude more frequently.

These activities might include: a church or religious organization, a school that prioritizes gratitude, a club that supports community service or volunteer work, or simply socializing with other families that care about gratitude.

2. Conversations

There are two key opportunities for parents to talk to their kids about gratitude.

First, when children are actually feeling grateful for something (i.e., Wow! That was so nice of Andrew to give you the last cookie. You must be feeling thankful!).

Second, when children miss the opportunity to be grateful (i.e., Hey, when you got that gift from grandma, how were you feeling? Why do you think she got you that gift? It must feel good to know that she cares about you.)

These conversations can happen in the moment, or later. Ideally, they involve question-asking and validation (I see why you would feel that way. What do you think about XYZ?), rather than judgement or anger (What’s wrong with you? You are so ungrateful!)

3. Modeling

Display gratitude, both verbally and in your behavior, in front of your kids.

One study finds that “gratitude socialization” practices like this can increase kids’ gratitude over time, and also on a daily basis. In other words, on days where you model gratitude for your kids, there’s a greater chance they’ll show more gratitude, too.

One step at a time

Another day, another car ride home featuring a Thanksgiving-related school craft (this one, a slice of craft-paper-and-cotton-ball pumpkin pie).

I’m thinking back to my text exchange with Drew, and one particular insight he shared: gratitude is a complex process, one that develops in stages. Kids need awareness, to notice that they are being given something. They need to make meaning of the experience, by noticing their positive feelings and attributing them to someone else’s kindness. And then they need to learn expression, or how to act (via words or behaviors) to show that gratitude.

As parents, we can involve our children in gratitude-fostering activities, talk about gratitude often, and model gratitude ourselves, but at the end of the day, we also need to practice patience. The process of developing gratitude takes time.

I glance into the back seat, and try again.

It’s almost Thanksgiving! Want to know what I’m thankful for? I’m thankful for you because I love you so, so much.⁴

From the backseat, silence.

Further reading and resources

• The Raising Grateful Children project is led by Dr. Andrea Hussong at UNC Chapel Hill. You can find their research here.

• Also, check out their Gratitude Conversations program, a free, online program for parents who want to help their kids develop gratitude.

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1. There was, apparently, a science class about worms the same week as the turkey finger painting.

2. A huge thank you to Drew Rothenberg, my aforementioned friend and gratitude researcher, for his help distilling down this research. Drew is an expert in adaptive and maladaptive parenting practices and family processes, and I encourage you to check out his work here.

Note that any mistakes here are mine, not his. Also worth noting that when I texted him, I said “please do not spend too much time on this.” He promptly sent back multiple paragraphs, complete with numbered lists, research citations, and offers to talk further. Maybe the key to raising good people is to have them do research on gratitude?

3. The multiple Home Depot holiday purchases may have been too much, but the joy these things brought my children (and me)? I think it was worth it. There were the nutcrackers (now dubbed “Daisy” and “Donald”) which, it turns out, can also crack coffee beans if your child has nut allergies. There was a holiday wreath, of course. And most importantly, there was a small cow wearing overalls labelled “Mooey Christmas” who, with the push of a button, dances to the song Friends in Low Places. I love him. [I cannot find a link on the Home Depot website, so instead please find this poorly edited video]:

4. I, personally, am feeling very grateful for a Thanksgiving week spent with family, the support of this wonderful Techno Sapiens community, and the start of the holiday season (marked, of course, by two lines of the Christmas classic Friends in Low Places, played 57 times in a row).