I often use this analogy w parents: imagine after a long day, you relax on the sofa and turn on your favorite TV program. Then your partner enters the room, snatches the remote out of your hand and changes the channel.... and you can't talk. What are you going to do?
Most likely just what your toddler did. As you know, children don't have insight into their feelings or the ability to articulate them. Hence, the term "acting out." This is why it's crucial for parents to understand child development, so they understand what is normal and appropriate behavior for a child according to stage, and respond appropriately.
When a child is acting out, I teach parents to focus on their child's emotion rather than behavior. They are trying *to tell you something* in their own way. It's our responsibility as parents to read between the lines - not their job to get us to understand. Like you said, the goal is not to change the behavior by distracting, bribing, reasoning, etc, but to solve the child's problem (not our embarrassment, frustration, etc over being inconvenienced).
I teach parents a three step process, based on psychodynamic theory:
1. Mirror the child's feelings. Again most children lack insight into their emotions. It may be obvious to you what the problem is - their frustrated, disappointed, overstimulated, tired, left out, etc - but not to them. Mirroring involves reflecting back to your child what you think they're feeling. "Wow, I hear you're really mad." "You just don't want to be here." "I can see you're tired." While unconscious, this helps your child make the connection between different feelings and where they feel them in their bodies. Plus, mirroring a child's feelings makes them, feel heard. Both are also de-escalating. This works for all ages, including teens.
2. Validate the feeling. Tell them their feelings are normal. Be genuine by relating it to your own experience. There's no such thing as a wrong or bad feeling. It's how you cope w it that can be problematic. You're teaching your child to learn the difference. "I get it. When I'm tired, all I want to do is find a quiet place to rest." "We've had a busy day. And now here comes one more thing!" "I remember as a kid going with mom to run errands when all I wanted to do was play."
You must do 1 and 2 before you can get to 3. Too often, parents are so focused on problem-solving, they skip over emotions. Emotions come from a different part of the brain than reason. At any age, until a person is calm, they won't be receptive to your efforts to redirect. Adults are goal-oriented while kids are process-oriented. Remember, they're still taking in, learning about the world around them. In this regard, children remind us to "stop and smell the roses."
3. Redirect the behavior. Here's where you can transition to problem-solving, but remember: the solution must address your child's feelings. Once the child enters grade school, start including them in the problem-solving. Of course, I'm sure you know you can't just tell a child, "No." You have to tell them what they can do instead. Again, children are not going to figure this out on their own, plus you're teaching them how to adapt when they can't change a situation (ie how to self-soothe). You compounded the problem by telling yourself you shouldn't elicit your husband's help. "Mommy can't walk home right now but we can sit here quietly. I can hold you, sing to you, rock you," or you could ask your friends, "How about we skip the restaurant and do take out at our place?"
I have an expression: "Chocolate vs vanilla ice cream? That's easy but most things in life we have mixed feelings about." Why? Feelings are information of a need or threat you're ignoring. You have multiple feelings at the same time because you have multiple needs at the same time. Problem-solving must start w identifying the underlying needs: your child's tired, hungry, etc; your physical "condition;" the nature of the gathering; etc. Then coming up w a solution that meets as many of those needs as possible.
Also, you always want to treat the problem as "out there," not between you and your child. The moment you try to *get* your child to do something, you've set up a power struggle. "UGH... I'm tired, too. I sure wish I could walk home right now. But we can spend some time out here just you and me," which may be what your toddler was really looking for in the first place.
I also encourage parents to practice some (age appropriate) self-soothing techniques w your child every night at bedtime. That way, they will have them when they need them.
Also, I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber. There's a teen version, too. Real easy read w comic strips showing do's and don'ts.
For more on child relaxation techniques, check out Charlotte Reznick. This is her specialty. https://www.imageryforkids.com/
Sensible stuff. My first thought when I saw "How to fix any parenting problem" with the photo of the screaming child was "narcotize them with Cocomelon". Maybe that combines some of option 1 and some of option 4.
This was the best-timed newsletter ever as I am currently traveling with my 4-year-old who REALLY doesn’t want to be traveling. The opportunities to try these ideas out will be many this week...
I often use this analogy w parents: imagine after a long day, you relax on the sofa and turn on your favorite TV program. Then your partner enters the room, snatches the remote out of your hand and changes the channel.... and you can't talk. What are you going to do?
Most likely just what your toddler did. As you know, children don't have insight into their feelings or the ability to articulate them. Hence, the term "acting out." This is why it's crucial for parents to understand child development, so they understand what is normal and appropriate behavior for a child according to stage, and respond appropriately.
When a child is acting out, I teach parents to focus on their child's emotion rather than behavior. They are trying *to tell you something* in their own way. It's our responsibility as parents to read between the lines - not their job to get us to understand. Like you said, the goal is not to change the behavior by distracting, bribing, reasoning, etc, but to solve the child's problem (not our embarrassment, frustration, etc over being inconvenienced).
I teach parents a three step process, based on psychodynamic theory:
1. Mirror the child's feelings. Again most children lack insight into their emotions. It may be obvious to you what the problem is - their frustrated, disappointed, overstimulated, tired, left out, etc - but not to them. Mirroring involves reflecting back to your child what you think they're feeling. "Wow, I hear you're really mad." "You just don't want to be here." "I can see you're tired." While unconscious, this helps your child make the connection between different feelings and where they feel them in their bodies. Plus, mirroring a child's feelings makes them, feel heard. Both are also de-escalating. This works for all ages, including teens.
2. Validate the feeling. Tell them their feelings are normal. Be genuine by relating it to your own experience. There's no such thing as a wrong or bad feeling. It's how you cope w it that can be problematic. You're teaching your child to learn the difference. "I get it. When I'm tired, all I want to do is find a quiet place to rest." "We've had a busy day. And now here comes one more thing!" "I remember as a kid going with mom to run errands when all I wanted to do was play."
You must do 1 and 2 before you can get to 3. Too often, parents are so focused on problem-solving, they skip over emotions. Emotions come from a different part of the brain than reason. At any age, until a person is calm, they won't be receptive to your efforts to redirect. Adults are goal-oriented while kids are process-oriented. Remember, they're still taking in, learning about the world around them. In this regard, children remind us to "stop and smell the roses."
3. Redirect the behavior. Here's where you can transition to problem-solving, but remember: the solution must address your child's feelings. Once the child enters grade school, start including them in the problem-solving. Of course, I'm sure you know you can't just tell a child, "No." You have to tell them what they can do instead. Again, children are not going to figure this out on their own, plus you're teaching them how to adapt when they can't change a situation (ie how to self-soothe). You compounded the problem by telling yourself you shouldn't elicit your husband's help. "Mommy can't walk home right now but we can sit here quietly. I can hold you, sing to you, rock you," or you could ask your friends, "How about we skip the restaurant and do take out at our place?"
I have an expression: "Chocolate vs vanilla ice cream? That's easy but most things in life we have mixed feelings about." Why? Feelings are information of a need or threat you're ignoring. You have multiple feelings at the same time because you have multiple needs at the same time. Problem-solving must start w identifying the underlying needs: your child's tired, hungry, etc; your physical "condition;" the nature of the gathering; etc. Then coming up w a solution that meets as many of those needs as possible.
Also, you always want to treat the problem as "out there," not between you and your child. The moment you try to *get* your child to do something, you've set up a power struggle. "UGH... I'm tired, too. I sure wish I could walk home right now. But we can spend some time out here just you and me," which may be what your toddler was really looking for in the first place.
I also encourage parents to practice some (age appropriate) self-soothing techniques w your child every night at bedtime. That way, they will have them when they need them.
I did a podcast series (3 episodes) on parenting which goes into all this, provides more strategies and insights. https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ozXnpyrlsFyjewWEe543c?si=VzAy5Fx0QzC0I9F8583QjQ
Also, I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber. There's a teen version, too. Real easy read w comic strips showing do's and don'ts.
For more on child relaxation techniques, check out Charlotte Reznick. This is her specialty. https://www.imageryforkids.com/
Sensible stuff. My first thought when I saw "How to fix any parenting problem" with the photo of the screaming child was "narcotize them with Cocomelon". Maybe that combines some of option 1 and some of option 4.
This was the best-timed newsletter ever as I am currently traveling with my 4-year-old who REALLY doesn’t want to be traveling. The opportunities to try these ideas out will be many this week...
Ah good luck!!!
I love this. I am saving it on my phone to remind me there are always options and I agree that 4 is enough!