How to fix any parenting problem
How to fix any parenting problem
Or, really, any problem
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7 min read
It’s 6pm on a Saturday, and we’ve arrived on a sun-drenched restaurant patio with friends we’re hosting for the weekend. Birds are chirping. Soft guitar music is playing. A faint smell of lilies and hydrangeas sweetens the air. All around us, restaurant patrons are smiling, laughing, merrily clinking beer glasses.
My toddler is screaming.
He does not want to play with bubbles. He does not want to eat chicken fingers or cheddar bunnies. He does not want to see mom’s and dad’s friends. He wants to go home.
I take him for a walk around the block. The screaming continues. He does not want to see the flowers. He does not want to take a deep breath (should have seen that one coming).1 He does not, under any circumstances, want to check out the equipment in that landscaping truck. The situation is more dire than I realized.
As he grows increasingly inconsolable, my heart rate rises. I’m sweating. My teeth are clenching.2 There’s a faint, pregnancy-induced throbbing in my lower back. I have to pee. We walked to dinner, so home is a solid 20 minutes away.
Do I dare re-enter the restaurant? Try another snack? Another toy? Another walk around the block? My husband offers to take over, but he was the one to deal with last night’s meltdown, and one of us needs to stay with our guests—so some combination of guilt, determination, and my growing fight-or-flight response makes me decide this is my problem alone to solve.
We’ve got 99 problems and our kids are one. (I’m sorry. I’ll see myself out.)
Here’s a thing no one told me about parenting: you end up running into a surprising number of problems. Often they’re small, like: my toddler is melting down. Or, I want to host friends for the weekend, but I also want my child not to scream in their faces.
Sometimes the problems are bigger. Your child is being bullied at school. Or, you’re feeling overwhelmed and lacking the support you need as a new parent. Or, you and your partner disagree on how to handle your child’s behavior.
And here’s the crazy part of all those parenting problems: you need to try to solve them. I know! Honestly, so unfair.
Amidst my newfound parenting problems, I’ve found myself often falling back on an evidence-based approach I learned as a therapist training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It’s called 4 Ways to Solve a Problem, and it seems simple—maybe too simple—but that’s kind of the point. There’s value in taking a moment to pause, carefully put down the bubbles and cheddar bunnies, and actively decide what to do.
I hope it helps you, too.
4 Ways to Solve a Problem
For any problem you encounter—parenting or otherwise—you’ve got four options for how to deal with it:
Solve the problem
Change how you feel about the problem
Radically accept the problem
Stay miserable (and/or make it worse)
Sometimes, a combination of these options is best. Sometimes, you’ll try one of the options, discover it’s not working, and move on to another, instead.
Let’s walk through them.
Option 1: Solve the problem
I know, I know. If you already knew how to solve the problem, wouldn’t you have done it already? We wouldn’t be in this whole four ways to solve a problem mess if we could just fix it, right? But sometimes we need to be reminded of this option. It forces us to articulate both: (1) what is the actual problem, and (2) what’s the simplest possible solution.
If your child is hungry, and you have snacks, you fix the problem by feeding them snacks. If you are exhausted and sleep-deprived, and you have the option to head upstairs for a good, old-fashioned snooze, you do it. You take a minute to define the problem (kid is hungry; mom is sleep-deprived) and then you solve it.
If the problem is a bit more intractable, you might try a research-backed, problem-solving approach that goes by the acronym ABCDE: Acknowledge the problem (figure out exactly what is happening), Brainstorm solutions (name everything you can think of), Choose one solution, Do it, and then Evaluate how it went (and go back to Brainstorming if needed).
Of course, many problems aren’t so easily solvable, which is why we have a few other options.
Option 2: Change how you feel about the problem
Sometimes the problem has less to do with the situation we’re in, and more to do with how we’re thinking and feeling about it. I, like many people, have intermittent periods of encountering the following problem: I have too much on my plate. Work is too busy. I’m failing at both my parenting and my job, and everything is impossible.
Sometimes, there are actions I can take to help (e.g., reduce responsibilities, ask for help, take a little time off). Sometimes, it’s about taking a closer look at how I’m thinking and feeling.
To change how you’re thinking about the problem: Take a page out of CBT and try a bit of cognitive restructuring. Ask yourself some key questions:
Are there other ways of thinking about the situation?
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
Am I 100% sure that how I’m seeing the situation is accurate?
What evidence do I have that this is true?
In my case, I might reframe my thinking by reminding myself how exciting it is to have work opportunities I care about, and how lucky I am to have a family I want to spend time with. Or, on closer examination, I might realize I’m not totally sure about the whole failing-at-parenting-and-working thing. In fact, I have some evidence (e.g., my boss has not fired me from my job, my child has not fired me from parenting) that I’m doing okay.
To change how you’re feeling about the problem: One of my favorite strategies for changing how we feel is called opposite action. It’s the therapy version of fake it ‘til you make it, and it works like this:
Identify the emotion you’re feeling.
Figure out what you’d typically want to do when you have that emotion.
Do the opposite.
If you’re feeling angry at your partner because it’s his turn to get the kids ready for bed, and when you come upstairs to say goodnight, you instead find him holding the kids by their ankles above the bed, growling and shouting I GOT YOU, while the kids, very much awake and not wearing pajamas, laugh maniacally…you might have the urge to yell. The opposite of yelling is showing kindness (Wow, you guys are having so much fun!) and/or gently walking away.
If you’re feeling scared, you might have the urge to avoid a situation. The opposite is to approach it.
If you’re feeling sad, you might have the urge to hide and stay in bed. The opposite is to get active.
And so on.
Option 3: Radically accept the problem
Before getting married, my now husband and I dated for 10 years. After a multi-year, long-distance stint brought on by one of us working in New York City and one of us falling deep into the black hole of psychology graduate training in North Carolina, we joyfully reunited, got engaged, and settled into a state of pre-wedding bliss. Eager to celebrate with the people we love, we sent out save-the-dates to an (enormous) list of all our family and friends.3 This was January 2020.
A few things—well, one thing—occurred in the ensuing months that soon made it clear our original summer 2020 wedding plans were not going to happen. This was not a solvable problem. We cancelled the wedding. We disinvited all our guests. We tried to change how we felt about the problem, reminding ourselves that others were, obviously, struggling far more as they dealt with the impacts of COVID.
Ultimately, the solution that worked was to just accept the situation.
“Radical” acceptance is one of those philosophy-psychology hybrid terms that sounds much fancier than it is. The idea here is ultimately simple: accept the things we cannot change. This doesn’t mean we agree with them, or that we’re not still disappointed or angry about them. It just means that we stop blaming others or ourselves, stop feeling bad for ourselves, stop begging the universe to solve it for us, and instead, just recognize that it is.
Accepting the problem is not a one-time thing. It’s an ongoing choice that we need to make over and over again.
Sidenote: after radically accepting that the wedding we’d planned wouldn’t happen, my husband and I got married in a beautiful, much smaller, COVID-safe ceremony in late summer 2020. Celebrating our anniversary one year later with an infant in tow, we soon realized we had a lifetime ahead filled with other problems to solve—and we wouldn’t want it any other way.
Option 4: Stay miserable (and/or make it worse)
Our last option for solving a problem is really just a reminder that we have options. It’s up to us.
If we want to spend the afternoon complaining bitterly about our child’s allergist in a veiled attempt to manage our own feelings about his life-threatening yet oddly unscientific allergy diagnoses, we can do that! If we want to make things worse by calling said allergist and leaving a strongly-worded yet wholly unproductive voicemail, we can do that, too! (I recently did the former, but not [yet] the latter).
If we want to wallow in disappointment, fear, or frustration, that is our choice. The important thing is to remember we’re choosing it.
We’ve got 99 optio—no, you’re right. That’s enough.
During our most recent restaurant-pocalypse, I tried some combination of the four options. I felt sorry for myself. I tried accepting the situation. I tried reminding myself that my son was tired, and I was tired, and we were both hungry, and one of us had to pee (so badly!) because a tiny human was tap-dancing on our bladder, and these were all totally normal toddler and pregnant mom activities and feelings and…
Sapiens, I took Option 1. I turned the stroller around, and we walked straight home. Problem solved.
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A fun technique I learned as a child therapist to teach deep breathing: have kids imagine “smelling the flower” (breathing in) and then “blowing out the candle” (breathing out). You can even hold up, and then put down, a finger to simulate blowing out the candle. My son’s probably still too young for this, but it hasn’t stopped me from (enthusiastically, and unsuccessfully) trying.
Okay, a quick detour into pregnancy tooth problems because I can’t help myself. Is this, actually, a thing? Like with all physical symptoms, when you Google “is my tooth pain related to being pregnant?” the Internet returns some of version of “Who knows! Maybe! Pregnancy, am I right? [wink].” I woke up a few weeks ago in enough pain that I decided (with urging, of course, from my mom) to go to the dentist for the first time in…too long. The diagnosis was that I’d been clenching my teeth—hard—in my sleep. Was I stressed? the dentist asked. I looked down at my six-month pregnant belly. I guess? I answered. The dentist suggested a nighttime mouthguard. Luckily, it nicely complements my oversized PJs and pregnancy pillow.
Worth noting that my husband and my extended families could populate a small country. So many cousins. It took us years and multiple hand-written family trees to learn all the names in each other’s families.
I often use this analogy w parents: imagine after a long day, you relax on the sofa and turn on your favorite TV program. Then your partner enters the room, snatches the remote out of your hand and changes the channel.... and you can't talk. What are you going to do?
Most likely just what your toddler did. As you know, children don't have insight into their feelings or the ability to articulate them. Hence, the term "acting out." This is why it's crucial for parents to understand child development, so they understand what is normal and appropriate behavior for a child according to stage, and respond appropriately.
When a child is acting out, I teach parents to focus on their child's emotion rather than behavior. They are trying *to tell you something* in their own way. It's our responsibility as parents to read between the lines - not their job to get us to understand. Like you said, the goal is not to change the behavior by distracting, bribing, reasoning, etc, but to solve the child's problem (not our embarrassment, frustration, etc over being inconvenienced).
I teach parents a three step process, based on psychodynamic theory:
1. Mirror the child's feelings. Again most children lack insight into their emotions. It may be obvious to you what the problem is - their frustrated, disappointed, overstimulated, tired, left out, etc - but not to them. Mirroring involves reflecting back to your child what you think they're feeling. "Wow, I hear you're really mad." "You just don't want to be here." "I can see you're tired." While unconscious, this helps your child make the connection between different feelings and where they feel them in their bodies. Plus, mirroring a child's feelings makes them, feel heard. Both are also de-escalating. This works for all ages, including teens.
2. Validate the feeling. Tell them their feelings are normal. Be genuine by relating it to your own experience. There's no such thing as a wrong or bad feeling. It's how you cope w it that can be problematic. You're teaching your child to learn the difference. "I get it. When I'm tired, all I want to do is find a quiet place to rest." "We've had a busy day. And now here comes one more thing!" "I remember as a kid going with mom to run errands when all I wanted to do was play."
You must do 1 and 2 before you can get to 3. Too often, parents are so focused on problem-solving, they skip over emotions. Emotions come from a different part of the brain than reason. At any age, until a person is calm, they won't be receptive to your efforts to redirect. Adults are goal-oriented while kids are process-oriented. Remember, they're still taking in, learning about the world around them. In this regard, children remind us to "stop and smell the roses."
3. Redirect the behavior. Here's where you can transition to problem-solving, but remember: the solution must address your child's feelings. Once the child enters grade school, start including them in the problem-solving. Of course, I'm sure you know you can't just tell a child, "No." You have to tell them what they can do instead. Again, children are not going to figure this out on their own, plus you're teaching them how to adapt when they can't change a situation (ie how to self-soothe). You compounded the problem by telling yourself you shouldn't elicit your husband's help. "Mommy can't walk home right now but we can sit here quietly. I can hold you, sing to you, rock you," or you could ask your friends, "How about we skip the restaurant and do take out at our place?"
I have an expression: "Chocolate vs vanilla ice cream? That's easy but most things in life we have mixed feelings about." Why? Feelings are information of a need or threat you're ignoring. You have multiple feelings at the same time because you have multiple needs at the same time. Problem-solving must start w identifying the underlying needs: your child's tired, hungry, etc; your physical "condition;" the nature of the gathering; etc. Then coming up w a solution that meets as many of those needs as possible.
Also, you always want to treat the problem as "out there," not between you and your child. The moment you try to *get* your child to do something, you've set up a power struggle. "UGH... I'm tired, too. I sure wish I could walk home right now. But we can spend some time out here just you and me," which may be what your toddler was really looking for in the first place.
I also encourage parents to practice some (age appropriate) self-soothing techniques w your child every night at bedtime. That way, they will have them when they need them.
I did a podcast series (3 episodes) on parenting which goes into all this, provides more strategies and insights. https://open.spotify.com/episode/1ozXnpyrlsFyjewWEe543c?si=VzAy5Fx0QzC0I9F8583QjQ
Also, I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk," by Adele Faber. There's a teen version, too. Real easy read w comic strips showing do's and don'ts.
For more on child relaxation techniques, check out Charlotte Reznick. This is her specialty. https://www.imageryforkids.com/
Sensible stuff. My first thought when I saw "How to fix any parenting problem" with the photo of the screaming child was "narcotize them with Cocomelon". Maybe that combines some of option 1 and some of option 4.