How to let go of screen time guilt

*Ms. Rachel voice* we can do hard thinggggs

Welcome to Techno Sapiens! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist and professor at Brown University, co-founder of Tech Without Stress (@techwithoutstress), and mom of two young kids.

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6 min read

I got a note from a parent recently that stuck with me:

I beat myself up SO much about the tech use in our house…How do I ditch the guilt I carry around all day about it? 

Guilt is one of the most common emotions I hear parents experiencing around their kids’ screen time.¹ The Internet, of course, is quick to come to the rescue with advice.

At one end of the spectrum, there’s the “just say no” advice—that is, simply, stop feeling guilty. Don’t feel it! Don’t do it! Screens are great, guilt is bad! Kick that guilt to the curb and get back to living your life!

At the other end of the spectrum are Instagram posts depicting sunny video montages of children frolicking in grassy meadows, with captions like “Your children won’t remember the time they spend on screens.”² Which, scientifically, is the equivalent of grabbing a giant bucket of guilt and dumping it over every surface of your body.

Neither of these approaches are effective.

So today, I want to do something different. I want us to stop what we’re doing. Put down the guilt bucket. Back slowly away. And, now, take three steps toward a healthier relationship with our kids’ screen time. 

Note: this process can also work for other domains of “parent guilt” (there are many!), but today’s focus will be on screen time.

Step 1: What is guilt?

First things first. We need to understand what, exactly, guilt is. Where does it come from? Why do we feel it?

In the psychology literature, the definition of guilt is—surprise, surprise—a source of considerable debate. However, based on this comprehensive review of 23 different definitions,³ which I read so that you do not have to, it can be summed up as follows:

Guilt is a negative emotion that “involves moral transgressions (real or imagined) in which people believe that their action (or inaction) contributed to negative outcomes.” Guilt involves a “sense of responsibility” and “painful feelings of remorse,” when people “blame themselves for something they have or have not done.”

Now, why do we feel guilt? As with all negative emotions, guilt serves an important purpose. It gives us information about our values, and it motivates us for action. When we feel guilty, it can tell us that we acted in a way that conflicts with the kind of person we want to be. It also motivates us to fix it—to make amends, to right our wrongs.   

“Parent screen guilt” is now so commonplace that it, too, has a technical definition: the feelings of transgression parents experience as a function of their children’s screen usage. We experience “parent screen guilt” when we feel that our children are using screens in ways that are somehow out-of-step with what is “right” or “good.”

So, what’s the problem? Well, just because we’re feeling an emotion does not mean it’s justified by the situation. We might get shaky and sweaty and heart-racy before public speaking, but that doesn’t mean there’s actually something to be afraid of.

Guilt is like that, too. Sometimes, it misfires. Which brings us to step 2. 

Step 2: Get up close and personal with your guilt

So, we know that guilt, like all negative emotions, isn’t necessarily bad. It can serve a purpose! It can be useful! This is one of many reasons why the classic “just don’t feel it!” advice was never going to work.⁴

The key, then, is to figure out whether or not our “parent screen guilt” is justified. To figure this out, we need to do something counterintuitive. We need to stop keeping our guilt at arms-length, stop trying to push it away, and instead, bring it closer. We need to grab that guilt with both hands, pull it right up in front of our faces, and really look at it.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What is happening for me in moments when “screen guilt” pops up? When is that feeling most likely to show up? What thoughts are going through my head? 

• What are my values around screen time? Where do these values come from? Am I actually acting out of line with these values?

• Are my views on screen time informed by what I really believe, or by someone else’s ideals? Is perfectionism (i.e., no screen time whatsoever is the ideal) creeping in? How about comparison or self-judgment (i.e., a good parent would never allow this)?

It may bear repeating here that screen time is not inherently harmful. Can screen time become excessive? Yes. Can it become problematic? Of course. But in many cases of “screen time guilt,” this is not what is happening. In fact, a recent study found that parents’ guilt over their screen time led to higher parental stress (duh) and negative impacts on the parent-child relationship, even more so than the child’s screen time itself!

So, start by identifying your values around screen time—your values, not making-memories-in-grassy-meadows-Instagram-person’s values—and ask yourself whether, in those moments of guilt, you are truly acting outside of those values. Then move onto Step 3.

Step 3: Chart your path

By now, you’ve hopefully developed a better sense of whether your screen guilt is justified. Depending on what your exploration has revealed, you’ve got two options.

Option 1: If your guilt is justified, use this as motivation to make a change.

Maybe after taking a good, hard look at the screen habits in your home, you’ve decided that things just do not feel right. You’re feeling guilty because things really are out-of-whack.

In that case, the best way to lessen guilt is to do something to fix the situation. Start with some problem-solving using the ABCDE method, ideally involving your child in the process. Acknowledge the problem as specifically as possible (e.g., screen time is getting in the way of our family time during dinner), Brainstorm solutions, Choose a solution to try, Do it, and then Evaluate how it went and make changes where needed. 

Option 2: If your guilt is not justified, as will often be the case, try cognitive reappraisal.

It may be that Step 2 was enough to help you identify some previously-unacknowledged beliefs about screens. If not, here are some specific (common, but unhelpful) thoughts that might be rooting around in your brain:

• Good parents never allow any screen time

• Screen time is always a [waste of time, harmful, toxic, etc.]

• Any time my kids are using screens, it’s taking away time from more “productive” things

• If I were a [better, more organized, more fun] parent, my kids would never use screens

Remember our CBT principles, and try to think of ways to reframe the situation. Reappraising our views of a situation can have lasting impacts on reducing negative feelings. Maybe your screen time set-up is working for your family! Maybe it’s allowing for some much-need rest, leisure, or peace in your household. Maybe it’s helping you get things done. Maybe the stress that screen time guilt is creating is actually doing more harm than good. Maybe your kids are having fun, and you’re not seeing any issues with it, and it’s time to just…let it go.

Interventions focused on guilt typically incorporate these reappraisal techniques, but they also involve something else: acceptance. Sometimes, despite our best efforts to think our way out of it, a negative emotion remains. When this happens, we can try simply accepting it, i.e., Oh, there’s that guilty feeling again. I know this shows up when I put on Paw Patrol for the kids, even though I’ve decided logically that this is in line with my values. I see that feeling, I recognize it, and now I’m moving on.⁵ 

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A quick survey

What did you think of this week’s post? Your feedback helps me make this better. Thanks!

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1. Other contenders for most common parent emotions around their kids’ screen time: confusion, fear, helplessness, frustration. Also, this emoji: 🫠.

2. Okay, yes, I get the idea behind the whole “your children won’t remember the time they spent on screens” meme. Kids need to be in the real world, they need to get outside, they need to run around and play and experience the outdoors. Of course. But the idea that kids won’t have any memories of activities that involve screens? This is just false. Think back to your own childhood. Don’t you also have vivid memories of playing Super Mario with your brother? Or curling up under a blanket with your best friend to watch The Ring, your terrified, flailing limbs soon launching the popcorn bowl off your laps and onto the floor? Or caring for (and killing) your Tamagotchi? I cannot be the only one.

3. Want to know what the authors of the “23 different definitions of guilt” article did? In short: they found every paper in the psychology literature that had ever tried to define guilt. They read all of them. Then they coded every single definition based on a series of 18 very specific features, like “moral transgression” and “remorse/apology” and “public.” I can almost see the authors, hunched over their desks, poring over another paper, pulling their hair out trying to determine whether this definition does or does not contain “self-focus” or “social transgression.” Psychology research! It is a wild ride!

4. As a general rule of thumb, trying to change the way someone is feeling by telling them to just not feel that way tends not to work.

5. If you read the subheading for this post and are wondering what Ms. Rachel has to do with anything, the answer is that this YouTube channel accompanied us on a very long travel day today, and I think her voice has infiltrated my subconscious. (You can do hard things!)