How to talk to kids about YouTube

What parents need to know, with new guidance from the American Psychological Association

Welcome to Techno Sapiens! I’m Jacqueline Nesi, a psychologist and professor at Brown University, co-founder of Tech Without Stress, and mom of two young kids. If you like Techno Sapiens, please consider sharing it with a friend today. Thanks for your support!

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7 min read

It’s New Year’s Eve and the countdown is starting. Time is running out. He’s out of breath, racing up the stairs. He’s made a mistake, and he needs to see her. 

She’s at the party, chatting absently with another man, a glass of champagne in hand. She’s staring longingly at the door, fiddling with her statement necklace, the disappointment creeping into her face. 

But then! The door swings open. He barges into the room, beach blonde hair swept across his forehead. They lock eyes. They’re pulled to each other, as if by a magnet. The party fades away around them, and they lean in, mouths inches aw—

Wait a second, these people are supposed to be in high school?! 

My dad is hovering behind the couch, looking incredulously at our living room T.V. screen. I am a freshman in high school.

I keep my gaze on The O.C. as my dad lingers nearby.¹ I roll my eyes. He has a point. 

Times have changed

There was a time, if you can believe it, when the majority of screen viewing occurred on TV screens. They were readily visible in public settings in the house, and offered a manageable number of shows from which to choose. It wasn’t easy for parents, exactly, but it was relatively straightforward.

Clearly, the landscape has changed. When it comes to video-viewing for children of nearly all ages, YouTube is king, with 95% of teens and 80% of kids under 12 watching it. It’s typically viewed on personal screens (phones and tablets), which can be harder for parents to monitor. Add in the sheer scale (10 billion+ videos), features like auto-play, and a recommendation engine, and parents are in tricky spot.

So, what can parents do when it comes to YouTube? Here are some tips, geared toward older kids and teens (though some are relevant for younger ages).

1. Talk about it

This type of groundbreaking advice is why they pay me the big bucks.² It seems obvious, I know, but we really need to be having conversations with our kids, openly and regularly, about what they’re seeing online. That includes YouTube. Here are some general tips for conversations with adolescents:

• Lead with questions. Rather than jumping into lecture mode, start by asking them questions. Who are their favorite YouTubers? What have they heard about AI-generated videos? What do they like about their favorite channel? This can help them feel heard, while also alerting us to any misperceptions they may have.

• Ask about other people their age. Sometimes it’s easier for kids to open up when the questions aren’t so personal. Ask them what other people their age are watching. Ask them what issues they see for other kids on YouTube.

• Take a balanced approach. We need to talk about risks, of course, but don’t forget to talk about the good stuff, too. If we come in, guns blazing, rattling off warnings, it can be alienating for kids. They are having fun and learning things on YouTube, and if we ignore that, we lose them right away.

Essential conversation topics

Remember the American Psychological Association? Of 2023’s “Health advisory on social media use in adolescence” fame? Well, they’re back with some brand new guidelines released last week, this time on teens’ video viewing.³⁴

Based on these guidelines, there are a few topics parents will likely want to cover:

• Good video content. Talk about the good stuff, like videos that encourage teens to explore their interests, portray healthy relationships, or are educational. Also, videos that are funny, uplifting, or portray kindness. 

• Bad video content. Talk about the risks around videos that encourage violence, risky behavior (substance use, dangerous trends), negative mental health content (about suicide, eating disorders), or harmful stereotypes.

• Advertising and influencers. Talk about content creators (“YouTubers”) and how they make money. Talk about product placement and sponsored content (i.e., maybe that YouTuber doesn’t actually love the products they’re pushing). 

• Features. Talk about features like auto-play and recommendation algorithms,⁵ which can keep kids watching longer than is good for them. Teach kids about how YouTube makes money, i.e., by collecting data about us and showing us ads. Show them how to turn off auto-play (here’s how to do that).

• Misinformation. Remind kids that some of what they see on YouTube can be misleading or downright false. Here are some strategies kids can use to spot misinformation. 

• Generative AI. Talk about the benefits and risks of generative AI, including AI-generated videos on YouTube. For more on talking about AI, check out this recent New York Times piece (in which I make a brief appearance!)

Some go-to conversation starters for any of these topics: 

• What have you heard about [topic]? 

• Have you heard other people your age doing/using/watching [topic]? What are they saying about it? 

• Why do you think [topic] happens on YouTube?

2. Set limits

Ideally, creating boundaries around kids’ YouTube use is a collaborative, ongoing exercise [key word: ideally]. There are at least two areas where you’ll want to think about limits:

Content: What they’re watching

As noted, there are more than 10 billion videos on YouTube, with new videos uploaded every second. Some of these are great. Some are absolutely not great (see above). Many are somewhere in the middle—you may find them annoying, not funny, or nonsensical, but, as far as you can tell, they’re not harmful. When thinking about limits on content, we generally want to try not to worry about this middle category, and instead focus our energy on the “absolutely not great” category. 

Of course, you cannot have 10 billion separate rules. Instead, try focusing on general principles (e.g., avoiding violence, risky behaviors, etc.) and what does or does not fit with your family’s values. You can also check out Common Sense’s reviews for various YouTube channels here.

Time: How much time they’re spending

There are no hard-and-fast rules for what constitutes “too much time” on YouTube. In summarizing the latest science, the APA guidelines emphasize the risks associated with “excessive” time viewing video content.

So, how can you know what constitutes too much?

One place to start is focusing on interference. In other words, is their use of YouTube interfering with other activities that are important for their health? Is it getting in the way of in-person interactions with friends and family? Is it starting to replace extracurricular activities and other interests? Is it interfering with sleep? If so, it may be time to cut down.

Part of setting limits around time is educating kids about features designed to keep them watching longer (e.g., auto-play). We want to try to pair this with the message that kids are in control, and can make changes to their use. In other words: YouTube is designed to make it really hard for us to stop using it, but with the right strategies in place, you can make it work for you. Let’s talk about how.

If it works for your family, you can also consider parental controls (i.e., setting time or content limits via their device or YouTube itself).  

3. Stay in the loop

We can never monitor every video a teen watches, nor should we, but we do want to be generally aware of what they’re watching.

One research-backed strategy? Co-viewing.

In other words, watch YouTube together with your child sometimes, and talk about what you watched. As highlighted in the APA report, the “talking” part is crucial here. This is particularly true if what you watched was negative or problematic in some way, because children sometimes interpret silence as endorsement.

It may not be as easy as lingering behind the couch, commenting on the teen TV drama of the day, but when it comes to YouTube, there are things you can do as a parent. Just try not to take the eye rolls personally.

Check out the full American Psychological Association (APA) Recommendations for Healthy Teen Video Viewing here.  

Other recent happenings in the world of kids and tech

• California Partner’s Project released new Tech/Life Balance resources to help families thrive in the digital world. I love the conversation starters in their family guide.

• Psychologists Off the Clock podcast has a great episode out aiming to change the narrative around fear-based messaging to parents on tech and teen mental health, featuring fellow Substackers Emily Edlynn, Tracy Dennis-Tiwary, Ellen Galinskyand Devorah Heitner, PhD

• Instagram is rolling out a new feature that will allow users (including teens) to reset recommended content on their feeds.

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1. I think it’s as good a time as any to revisit my favorite story about The O.C.: I went to a Catholic high school, and during the year the show was in its heyday, I also happened to be taking a theology course in which each class began with a group prayer. Students were asked to raise their hands to request special “intentions,” or prayers for themselves or loved ones. One Wednesday morning, a student raised her hand and began requesting prayers for her friend Marissa, who was really struggling in her relationship with this new guy that moved to her town, and also with drinking too much sometimes, and also with her family, because her mom was having an affair with her 17-year-old ex-boyfriend…Our teacher nodded along sympathetically. Let Us Pray, we all chanted.

2. They do not, in fact, pay me the big bucks.

3. Full disclosure: I was on the “expert advisory panel” that contributed to the development of these guidelines. As usual, though, this post and any opinions shared here are all mine. No idea how the American Psychological Association feels about The O.C., but will report back if I learn anything.

4. Note that this post, and the APA guidelines, are focused on teens’ viewing videos. For tips around kids creating YouTube videos, check out this Q&A post. And to learn about YouTube parental controls (including YouTube kids and Supervised Accounts), see this post.

5. I love having kids. I really do. But I must say, one thing they’ve absolutely ruined for me are content recommendations. My YouTube is the standard Yoga with Adriene, SNL clips, etc.…but then also Ms. Rachel, and occasionally “buzz saw cuts down tree” or “animal sounds: 2 hour version!” My Spotify is no better. If I leave it to recommendations, I’ll end up with pirate shanties, “toddler tunes,” and my 3-year-old’s current favorite song, Shipping Up to Boston by the Dropkick Murphys (SEND HELP).