Preparing for baby #2
A research-backed guide
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Summary for busy sapiens
The transition from one to two children is stressful for many families.
There is lots of variability in how older children respond: some will struggle, but many show little change in behavior (and some actually do better).
When children show negative behaviors (e.g., aggression) after the birth of a sibling, these are often short-lived and improve by ~4 months.
To prepare themselves, parents can: brush up on positive discipline, check in on their relationship, spend quality time with their child, and take care of themselves.
To prepare an older sibling, parents can: teach them what to expect, support their independence, and encourage a positive relationship with the baby.
11 min read
I found out I was pregnant in February. I was, and am, so happy. The past few months, I’ve enjoyed that unique combination of excitement, gratitude, joy, and the overwhelming sense that, at any given moment, I could really use a nap.1
Riding high on this warm (if tired) glow, I was recently with some friends, one of whom has a newborn. Drawn irresistibly to the siren song of a tiny, smooshy, bundle of chubby cheeks and toes, I asked to hold the baby.
My arms had barely touched the swaddling blanket when, a few feet away, my son spotted me and immediately raced to my side. With a look that asked how could you?, he threw his arms up, begin pulling on my shirt, and burst dramatically into big, hot tears of abandonment.23
This was…concerning.
And thus began my quest to read everything the academic literature and broader Internet have to offer on preparing for a second child.
What should we expect? How can I prepare my son? How do I avoid causing him irreparable harm when I invariably dismantle everything he’s ever known and throw his young life into chaos?
So, how much, exactly, will a new baby ruin my child’s life?
Roughly 80% of children in the U.S. have a sibling, so the arrival of a second child is a common situation for families to encounter (and, if they’re anything like me, lose some sleep over). Popular assumptions about “baby #2” paint this period as a crisis—a traumatic event for the older sibling that can spark lifelong rivalry, jealousy, and resentment.4
It turns out, this is not supported by the data (thankfully).
The best evidence we have on the “transition to siblinghood” (TTS) are a 2012 Psychological Bulletin review of 26 studies covering over 50 years of research, and, more recently, the Family Transitions Study. This multi-year investigation enrolled 241 families who already had one child (ages 1 to 5) and were expecting a second baby, and followed up with them over 1, 4, 8, and 12 months after the baby arrived.5
Here’s what that research actually shows on how kids adjust to a new baby:
There’s no consistent pattern in behavioral changes among kids after a younger sibling is born.
Some kids will struggle with things like sleep, anxiety, emotional reactivity, or regressions (i.e., suddenly losing skills like toilet training), but these problems tend to be less common, less severe, and more short-lived than we might expect.
In fact, many kids show no change in these behaviors, and some actually show improvements.
For example, the Family Transitions Study found that the majority of kids (73%) showed low levels of “emotional reactivity” (i.e., moodiness) before the baby, and showed no change afterward, whereas a smaller number (25%) showed moderate levels before the baby that increased slightly afterward.
Another example: 55% of of kids had no sleep problems before the baby was born and showed no change afterward, and 38% showed moderate sleep problems before the baby that actually improved after the baby was born. The remainder (7%) of kids had high levels of sleep problems both before and after the baby.
For one behavior—aggression—the data did show a consistent uptick after the birth of a sibling. However, this increased only in the first month, and, for most, returned to normal levels by four months post-birth.
The relationship between a mom and her oldest child also tends to change with the arrival of a new baby.6 There is often less warmth, affection, and play, and more harsh discipline. The good news is that these things are at least partially in our control (see below).
Given such massive variability in how kids respond to a new baby, how do we know whether a child will struggle? Research consistently finds a few factors to be especially predictive of kids’ adjustment to siblinghood:
How well children are functioning before the baby arrives. Children who are struggling with behavioral or emotional issues before a new sibling tend to be the ones who struggle more afterward.
Children’s relationship quality with parents (i.e., “attachment security”)
Parents’ own relationship quality
Parents’ mental health
Parents’ confidence in their parenting skills (i.e., “self-efficacy”). Research suggests fathers’ confidence, especially around managing misbehavior, is especially predictive. This is likely due to some combination of greater actual skill in managing behavior, and lower levels of stress for both parents.
Note: some research suggests younger children (under age 2) have more difficulties adjusting to a new baby than older children, but the evidence is not definitive. There does not seem to be any difference in adjustment for boys versus girls.
Of course, none of this serves to undermine the fact that the transition to two children is really hard for many families. It’s simply a good reminder that: (1) kids are extremely resilient, and we’re very unlikely to cause them lasting harm when we bring home a new baby, and (2) if your child is struggling with a new sibling, it is most likely a phase that will pass (hopefully, sooner than you think).
How can I help my child adjust to the new baby?
The Internet is awash with tips on helping older siblings adjust to a new baby. Get your child a gift from the baby! Take them on a tour of the hospital! Do not tell them too early! Whatever you do, do not tell them too late!
So, what actually matters? Here is a list of evidence-backed tips for helping our kids (and ourselves) through the transition to baby #2. These are particularly relevant for younger kids (ages 1-5), but some apply to older kids, too.
For parents:
1. Brush up on positive discipline.
Given evidence for the importance of parents’ self-efficacy around managing misbehavior, now’s a great time to get more comfortable and confident with effective strategies for handling tantrums, aggression, and general young child chaos. A few resources:
This Techno Sapiens post on effective discipline
Evidence-based books like 1-2-3 Magic and Parenting the Strong-Willed Child
Pocket PCIT - a free, online, research-backed course through the University of Miami
If you are especially concerned about your child’s behavior, consider talking to your pediatrician or a mental health professional (therapies like Behavioral Parent Training can help).
2. Show your child you love them.
An obvious, but important, one for maintaining a positive parent-child relationship. Both before and after the baby arrives, do your best to set aside one-on-one time with your older child (it doesn’t have to be long—many evidence-based programs suggest just 10 minutes per day can make a difference).
Practice warmth and validation. Allow them to share any negative feelings about the baby and try to simply reflect what they’ve shared (You’re feeling angry that mom has to feed the baby now.). Show them affection, tell them how much you love them, express genuine excitement when they describe in detail the many different toilets they saw with their dad at Home Depot today.7
3. Check in on your relationship with your co-parent
Parents’ own relationship is strongly associated with children’s adjustment to siblinghood, with positive “co-parenting” helping to mitigate negative outcomes. What does this look like?
There are four key components to good co-parenting:
Parents support, rather than undermine, each other (i.e., convey that the other is competent, acknowledge their contributions, uphold their decisions).
Parents work through disagreements in a respectful, constructive manner
Parents divide tasks and responsibilities in a way that feels fair to both
Parents are attune to family interaction patterns, including managing conflict and avoiding building “alliances” with a child against the other parent
4. Take care of yourself
The birth of a second child is typically perceived by parents as no less stressful than the birth of a first child—and yet, parents often feel less supported by family, friends, and healthcare providers after the second. The time after a child is born is also a common time for the development (or worsening) of mental health symptoms like depression and anxiety, especially for moms.
Get support wherever you can, even if just from other local parents, and if you are concerned about your mental health, reach out to a professional.
For kids:
1. Prepare them
Decades of research on “authoritative” styles of parenting highlight the importance of structure for young kids. Toddlers like consistent routines and knowing what to expect. When it comes to how to apply this to new siblings, there’s not much research to guide us on the specifics, but some ideas:
Tell them about the baby, including the good parts (another person in our family to love!) and the not-so-good parts (babies sometimes cry a lot). No great evidence on when to do this. On the one hand, earlier gives them more time to ask questions and prepare. On the other hand, 9 months is a long time to repeat everyday that the baby is not, in fact, coming tomorrow.
Read books (see this list) or watch TV shows (e.g., Daniel Tiger: The Tiger Family Grows) about becoming a big brother or sister, and talk about them.
Get them a baby doll to “practice.” Note: research suggests that, if you are holding the doll and your child, say, grabs it and body slams it on the play mat, this is not predictive of how they will respond to the real baby. Phew.
After the baby is born, try to keep some consistency in their daily routine
2. Support their independence
We also know from the research that “autonomy-supportive” parenting, which aims to help children feel independent and in control, leads to positive outcomes. To do this, you might:
Encourage your child to help you get ready for the baby, including picking out baby items, decorating the nursery, and even choosing a name. Do not—I repeat, do not—allow your two-year-old to convince you to name the baby his own name. No matter how many times he suggests this.8
After the baby is born, give them small responsibilities related to the baby like bringing you a burp cloth or bottle.
3. Encourage a positive relationship with the baby
Most of the research we have on supporting positive sibling relationships focuses on older children (e.g., the evidence-based Fun with Sisters and Brothers program is for ages 4 to 8). General tips include modeling kindness for our kids, establishing a positive family culture, and creating opportunities for them to share fun activities.
It’s unclear the degree to which this translates to the relationship with a newborn, but a few things that could help (or, at least, certainly won’t hurt):
Try to keep it positive, and avoid complaining about or blaming the baby to your older child (e.g., instead of I wish we could go to the park, but the baby is just too cranky right now, try I can’t wait for the three of us to go to the park later!)
Consider getting your child a small gift “from the baby,” and vice versa, to exchange after the baby is born. This advice is, for whatever reason, all over the Internet. No evidence behind it, but its efficacy seems plausible and, importantly, it’s adorable.
Help your child develop pride in their big brother/big sister role by creating a reputation for them to live up to (e.g., Wow! You’re such a good, loving big brother. The baby is so lucky to have you!).
It’s a Big One
We’ve now shared the basics with our son—you’re going to have a baby brother!—but it’s been hard to gauge his reaction. One day, when I was just barely showing, he sat on the floor, pushing around a toy truck, and without looking up, remarked: baby in mom’s tummy. I excitedly replied: That’s right! There’s a baby in mom’s tummy! But it’s reallllly small.
He suddenly looked up, stared wide-eyed at me, and said, gravely: It’s a big one, I think.
I do not know what to make of this.
Last week, I had my 20-week ultrasound. As the screen revealed tiny, alien-like fingers and ventricles and elbows, I puzzled at the numbers and accompanying gestational age estimates appearing on the screen with each measurement. The baby seemed to be measuring about two weeks ahead of schedule.
After the scan, the technician sat back down at her computer and, after tapping away for a few minutes, offered: Wow, yea, this guy is definitely measuring big!
My husband laughed. Our son was right. Maybe he understands more than we think.
A new baby will be an adjustment for all of us—actually, a big one, I think. But maybe things will be just fine, after all.
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In case you missed it
Also, the overwhelming sense that most foods would be made better with dijon mustard and/or horseradish. Followed by chocolate frozen yogurt. Unclear if the latter is related to pregnancy.
How concerned, hypothetically, should a person be that their toddler has come to expect family gatherings to be a time when ten adults circle around him, stare lovingly, and comment with wonder each time he connects a lego?
Actually, though, just revisiting footnote #2, here is a non-exhaustive list of gifts our son has received in the past year from family members: two toy vacuums, a lawn mower that shoots bubbles, two leaf blowers that shoot bubbles (sensing a theme?), balloons on at least 5 occasions (none of which were his birthday), an authentic cowboy hat purchased in Texas, two monogrammed towels, animal-themed blocks, a football that shoot lasers, three pairs of shoes, a toy bowling set, and an entire wardrobe. Life is tough as a toddler with 10 aunts and uncles, 4 grandparents, and 2 great grandmothers. [I don’t care what the research says, I am worried about this child].
So, where do these faulty assumptions about the “transition to siblinghood” come from? They probably stem partially from very early research on the topic, which: 1) was still rooted in outdated Freudian theories about childhood psychological conflicts; and 2) sometimes relied on natural experiments where birthing moms remained in the hospital for 2 to 20 weeks (!) while their older children were left in foster care or a residential nursery. This, understandably, was very upsetting for the older child—and not very similar to what most children today will experience when a new baby is born.
Actually, the research on “transition to siblinghood” was shockingly limited for many years. Prior to 2012, it seems that only 23 quantitative studies had ever been published on the topic. Enter: Dr. Brenda Volling, a University of Michigan researcher who took it upon herself to: (1) sole-author the definitive, 30,000-word systematic review on the topic; (2) run the Family Transitions Study (i.e, one of the largest, multi-year investigations of transition to siblinghood), and (3) write up the results in a detailed, 200-page monograph. Some people are doing the Lord’s work.
Of course, there’s very little research on the father-child relationship because, you know, sexism.
The answer is: so many. There were so many toilets for sale at Home Depot. Also, did you know that Home Depot offers free workshops for kids every first Saturday of the month? Highly recommend.
My son’s other name suggestions for our baby boy so far include: Mia (the name of our friend’s baby) and Bo (?).
Congratulations! What delightful news. When we told our now middle child, when she was about 2, that there was a new baby growing in my tummy, she responded “Is it me?! Is it Grandma?!” 😂💀
I did let my first pick the name of his baby brother! I had a couple names picked out, and he got to pick which one he wanted out of them and that’s the one I went with!