The secret to better conversations

How to not be weird at parties

Hi there, sapiens. A quick thank you to everyone who reached out after last week’s post! I am so grateful for the support, advice, and notes of congratulations on baby #3. It’s a strange and (sometimes) scary thing to share personal stories online, and I’m feeling extra lucky to have this community in my corner. Confirmed once again: techno sapiens are the best sapiens. Thanks for being here!

And now, let’s get to today’s post.

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5 min read

One of the things I love about psychology is that it takes familiar experiences and makes them visible.

That feeling where a song grows on us over time? There’s a name for that. Blaming the traffic when we’re late, but our friend’s innate character flaws when they are? Also has a name. Forcing ourselves to finish a loaf of health bread that tastes like sawdust, because we already spent the money?¹ Yup, that’s a thing, too.

Psychology really shines when, by making these experiences explicit, it helps us do better. By recognizing that we do not, in fact, have to finish that sawdust-bread and can instead put it directly into the trash.

This is how I felt when I read the book Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves by

Alison Wood Brooks, PhD

.² Conversations feel as though they should be totally natural—we have dozens of them everyday, and we’ve been doing so our whole lives. Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad, often they’re somewhere in-between, but many of us have given little thought to why that might be.

By getting at the psychology behind conversations, we can recognize what’s often invisible, and do a little better.

Three simple strategies have stuck with me from the book, and I honestly feel that they have made me a better conversationalist.³

So today, I want to share them with all of you.

1. Fail to prepare and prepare to fail

Last time you met up with a friend, or went to a party, or even buckled in for a car ride with your child, how much time did you spend beforehand thinking about what you would talk about?

Not a single second? Yes, me too.

It turns out, this is a mistake. One of the keys to successful conversation is good topic management, or the complex task or choosing and moving between ideas. One way we can make this go more smoothly? Topic prep, also called “topic forethought.”

Brooks lays it out like this:

• Only 18% of people say they think about what they’ll talk about before entering a conversation.

• There are many reasons for this: 53% of people think it’s unnecessary, 34% worry it will make the conversation feel forced, and 50% believe it will decrease how much they enjoy the conversation.

• And yet! When you randomly assign people to spend just 30 seconds preparing topics or not before a conversation, the topic preppers report the opposite: they actually enjoyed the conversation more and it felt more natural.

The takeaway. Before your next conversation, spend just a couple minutes brainstorming topics you might talk about. You can, of course, do this based on what you know of the person you’ll be chatting with (e.g., How was their trip to Florida? How’s their husband’s toe doing after that nasty stubbing incident?⁴ Have they made it to the other side of their child’s preschool lice outbreak?)

If you do not know the person well, Brooks offers a great list of go-to conversation topics. Here are a few of my favorites:

• What do you like to do in your free time?

• Have you fallen in love with any new [music/books/movies/shows] lately?

• What is something cute your [kid/friend/pet/partner] has been doing recently?

• What are you excited about lately?

2. Change the subject

Have you ever been in a conversation—let’s say, chatting about your 20-month-old’s food preferences—and you feel the energy start to dip? You start repeating yourself (Yea, he’s just really into meats. Steak, in particular. Yea, he just really loves steak).⁵ There are long pauses. Your conversation partner’s responses get shorter (Yup. Steak.), they start looking around the room, they glance at their phones.

It’s time to change topics!

In many conversations, we linger on topics for too long. We’re concerned changing the subject will seem awkward, or we don’t want to be rude, or we misread the other person’s interest. It feels risky to change the subject too soon.

In reality, the bigger risk is lingering too long. Good conversationalists are tuned into their partner’s interests, and notice when it’s time to switch it up.

The takeaway: Err on the side of changing the subject and introducing new topics often. You can do this with simple segues (That reminds me… or I’ve been meaning to tell you…) or, most simply, by asking a question. Topic prep can also help us be ready in those moments when we’re grasping for something new.

3. Ask questions

Questions are not only a great way to change topics, but also, in themselves, the key to good conversations.

In short: when you ask questions, people like you more.

In one study of conversations lasting 15 minutes, participants who were randomly assigned to ask more questions (at least 9) were better liked by their conversation partners than those assigned to ask fewer questions (4 or less). And in a speed-dating event, where people met with potential matches for just 4 minutes each, those who asked more questions were more likely to get invited on a second date. [The Bachelor contestants take note.]

There are many types of questions we can ask. For example:

• Introductory questions. How are you? or What’s up?

• Mirroring questions. Them: How was your weekend? You: Good! How about you?

• Follow-up questions. Them: We spent the entire weekend driving our kids to their baseball games. You: Oh wow. How was that?

• Partial switch questions: Them: I love that new gelato place in town. You: Me too. Have you tried the new coffee place?

• Full switch questions: Them: I’m reading this new book called Talk. You: Have you ever been to Washington, DC?⁶

In general, the research suggests that our conversation partners like us best when we use more follow-up questions.

The takeaway: If you’re unsure what to say during a conversation, a relatively foolproof strategy is to ask more follow-up questions. Pay attention to what the other person is saying, and ask them about it!⁷

Let’s get out there and talk

We spend a lot of time here at Techno Sapiens thinking about how to put down our devices and get back out into the world, about making sure phones do not interfere with small talk or time with friends and family, about making the time to connect with others “IRL.”

But what happens when we actually get out there in the real world? With other humans? And we need to talk to them?

It turns out, conversations are surprisingly complex, and we can all get a little better at them.

What do you think about that?

Alright, onto the next topic.

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1. I am trying to eat less salt during this pregnancy, so I recently bought a loaf of a popular low-sodium bread. I will not name names [brands], but as someone for whom bagels are a way of life, this bread was an insult to carbs everywhere.

2. Not sure this is a necessary disclaimer, but just to be transparent, this post is not sponsored or endorsed by Talk or its author (Alison Wood Brooks). I just really liked the book! I do, however, feel that I am now friends with Alison despite having never spoken to her, because I listened to the audiobook that she narrates. If we ever do meet and have a conversation, you better believe I’m going to manage topics and ask questions like no one’s business.

3. The only area where this has not made me better at conversations is in all the conversations with my husband where I repeatedly tell him how much better I am at conversations now.

4. Did you know a man can break his toe simply by stubbing it on the outside edge of your shower? And that he can do this first thing in the morning on Mother’s Day? I did not.

5. You may remember that in this recent post, I referenced my toddler’s love for steak and his tendency to shout, caveman-style “MO TAKE” (i.e., more steak). I’m happy to report that on first glance, a friend of a friend thought “MO TAKE” was an acronym used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You’ll be unsurprised to learn that all the people in this story (besides my toddler, as far as I know) are psychologists.

6. Quick tip: if you’re thinking of traveling with two young children from Connecticut to Washington, DC on a Friday, do not drive. There will be many hours of traffic. There will be a forgotten EZ Pass. There will be—no joke—a flash flood. The train is more expensive, yes, but think of all the years of your life you’ll get back.

7. As a side note—and admittedly, this might be the therapist in me—I find that asking follow-up questions that allow people to tell stories makes for good conversation and helps to get to know people better. If they’re talking about their job, ask how they got into that career. If they’re talking about their spouse, ask how they met. If they’re talking about a hobby, ask them how they got interested in it, etc.