Am I doing this right?
The guilty parents' guide to screen time limits
Hi there, sapiens. How was your weekend? We spent ours packing for an upcoming move, which mostly meant digging grumpily through long-forgotten piles of children’s toys. This resulted in only one "accidental” discarding of a book that resulted in tears, so I’d say it was a success!1
Speaking of feeling guilty, for this month’s Q&A we’ve got a reader question that will be familiar to many parents, about screen time guilt and setting limits.
I’ll also be sharing some of the guiding principles I use for managing tech in my own house.
Remember to submit your questions for future posts by replying directly to this email or posting in the chat!
9 min read
Everything I read about parenting and screens talks about the importance of “setting limits.” But sometimes I just need a break, or to get stuff done! I’m constantly torn between feeling like I *should* be limiting my kids’ screen time and also feeling like it’s actually impossible to do that all the time. And feeling guilty about it all! Help!
When people find out what I do for a living, an interesting thing happens.
I’ll be making small talk with a fellow parent, cycling through topics, when I happen to share that my work focuses on kids and technology. Suddenly, there’s a shift. My once confident conversation partners are now cautious, unsure, guilt-ridden.
I usually put on a movie for the kids in the afternoon, they’ll say, followed quickly by, I know that’s probably so bad.
Or: Oh god, you do NOT want to know what’s happening at our house with screen time. I really should be limiting it more.
Or: I let my kid watch so much Peppa Pig that they started speaking in a British accent. It’s concerning (but also adorable).
All to say: I can imagine there are many parents out there who feel this question was plucked from their very brains.
Do *good parents* allow screen time?
In recent years, there has been a shift in our cultural understanding of screen time. Screens have become simultaneously ubiquitous and vilified. Surely, good parents limit their kids’ screen time, and the best parents? No screen time at all.
Screens have become yet another emblem of the march toward intensive parenting. We must constantly be doing the most as parents—optimizing each moment of our children’s lives, maximizing opportunities for growth and development. And if we’re not doing that? If instead we’re throwing on Cars 3 and getting horizontal on the couch? The penalty is both immediate and lingering: guilt.
Sometimes people assume that, because I spend my time researching these topics, my children spend their days rolling around in grassy meadows, never once glancing at the brain-melting rays of a digital device.
My kids do love a good grass roll, but otherwise, this is false.
In fact, my 12+ years of research on this topic have led me to the opposite conclusion: screens, with some reasonable safeguards in place, are just fine. And the guilt so many parents are led to feel about them? It’s misplaced.
So let’s tackle this question in two parts:
First, how to feel less guilty.
Second, how to approach screen time limits while also staying sane.
Drop kick that guilt
Guilt is an emotion that, at its best, gives us information about our values and motivates us for action. It tells us when we’re acting out of line with what we value and encourages us to fix it. The problem is that it can misfire. If we’ve internalized ideas about screen time that are rooted in fear, misinformation, or self-judgement, we may feel unjustified guilt.
Of course, there are situations where guilt is justified, where our approach to screen time really is not in line with our values. In that case, the solution is to try to change our approach.
But when the guilt is rooted in shoulds—mistaken beliefs about what we should be doing or how a good parent should approach screen time—it’s time to challenge those beliefs (or, in a favorite therapist phrase: stop shoulding all over ourselves).2
Think of ways to reframe the situation. Maybe your screen time set-up is working for your family. Maybe it’s allowing for some much-need rest, productivity, or peace in your household. Maybe the stress that screen time guilt is creating is actually doing more harm than good. Maybe you and your kids and the TV are all doing just fine, and it’s time to just…let it go.
A sane approach to screen time “limits”
Okay, onto part two of your question. Given everything I’ve said so far, I should clarify that I do not think screens should be a total free for all. The research does support having some kind of rules or limits in place, but what does this actually look like?
It means being intentional and thoughtful about screens. It means having some structure and predictability for our kids. It does not mean “less is always better” or “my 20-month old can sing the Paw Patrol theme song and thus I’ve failed as a parent.”3
So, based on the latest research and my own views as a parent, here are five guiding principles we’ve tried to follow at my house:
1. People come first
When it comes to technology, this is a good rule-of-thumb for all ages. Try to encourage, and model, prioritizing the humans in front of us over the screens in our pockets (or walls).
As parents, we can show our kids that people come first by avoiding “technoference,” or situations when our use of devices is interfering with our interactions with them.
And we can teach our kids to do the same. A few examples:
My almost 4-year-old regularly has allergist appointments where he has to wait over an hour in the office for monitoring. He’ll often watch a show on my phone during that time, but here’s the rule: when a human (i.e., doctor, nurse) walks into the room, he has to immediately pause the show, take off the headphones, and look at them.
Some families set up screen-free spaces (the car, the living room) or times (meals, when friends are over) to prioritize quality together time.
2. Use screens together
Using screens together, i.e. “co-use” or “co-viewing” in research-speak, can be a powerful way to connect with kids of all ages. Of course, our kids will have plenty of independent screen time, especially as they get older, but when possible, I like to think of ways screens can bring us together, instead of pull us apart.
Family movie nights, a quick shared episode of Bluey, watching YouTube clips about how to make barbecue sauce4: all great opportunities for conversation and connection.
Co-viewing can also segue into important conversations about values, emotions, and behavior (i.e., Oh, that wasn’t very nice. I wonder why Mayor Humdinger did that?).
3. Start with the non-negotiables
Screen time becomes problematic when it is crowding out other important activities. These activities will differ by family, but for many, it will be things like:
Spending time with friends
Playing outside
Being active
Reading
Having meals together
Helping out around the house
If our kids’ needs are being met in other areas, chances are, the screen time that fills the gaps is just fine.
Note: another important non-negotiable is having opportunities to manage and regulate difficult feelings without screens, so it’s best to try to avoid handing over the iPad or putting on the TV every time our children are upset.
4. Consider content
Generally, aim for high-quality content. We want it to be age-appropriate, sending positive messages, and sometimes, teaching our kids something. At the same time, everything our children watch or play does not need to be “educational.” In fact I worry that this approach feeds into the optimizing-every-moment intensive parenting spiral.
As may be obvious, for example, my kids are in a serious Paw Patrol phase. Is it teaching them something? Probably not. But is it generally age-appropriate and makes them happy? Yes.
Of note, the research on “fast-paced” shows is mixed, but overall suggests that this is not something we need to worry too much about, as long as our kids seem to be responding well to what they’re watching.
5. Make it predictable, but flexible
I know, I know. This two-sided parenting advice is the most infuriating type for me, right behind “Get up everyday at 5am to drink lemon water and have your ‘me time.’” I mean, c’mon. The audacity!
But actually, this “structured but flexible” approach is kind of the whole business of setting limits as a parent—and that applies to screens, too.
We want our kids to feel the safety and predictability that comes with structure, and that means having and communicating clear expectations. But we don’t want to be so rigid in the rules we’ve set that we’re unwilling to make reasonable accommodations or update them as needed.
How this looks in practice will differ for every family, but here are some ideas:
You get an hour of screen time everyday (predictable), but you can choose when to use it (flexible)
Every day after camp you can watch an episode of Octonauts (predictable), but today’s been a long day, so you can watch an extra one (flexible)
We watch YouTube when you ask and mom says it’s okay (predictable), but it can happen at anytime (flexible)
What works for my family certainly might not be the right thing for yours, and I know our “guiding principles” will evolve with time. So, as always, find what works for your family.
And if you’re not sure what works for your family…have you tried rolling in the grass?
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The discarded book was called “Shark Attack,” and my husband unwittingly picked it up at a Little Free Library. It turned out to be an “early reader” book that offers in great detail the story of various real-world shark attacks?! I read it once, and when my 3-year-old started asking things like “Can you say again how the shark made his shoulder disappear?”, I knew it had to go. I assumed he would not notice. I was wrong. There were tears (his), bold-faced lies about “accidentally dropping it into the trash” (mine), and promises to find a new copy (more lies).
I do not know the origin of the phrase “shoulding all over yourself,” but let me tell you, I’ve never met a therapist who didn’t love it. For more context: in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), patients are encouraged to identify and reframe “cognitive distortions,” or unhelpful patterns of thinking. One such pattern of thinking is called “should statements.” These are things we tell ourselves we should do or should be, without considering whether they are actually true or helpful.
I wouldn’t say Paw Patrol is my favorite kids’ show for my own viewing (that, as many of you know, is Bluey). However, I will say that it has resulted in my 3-year-old following directions more frequently—as long as we refer to him as “Chase” and tell him that whatever we want him to do (put on PJs, clean up his toys) is an “important mission.” Chase is on the case!
For those wondering: the good news is that we have mostly moved on from our interest in videos about how to make barbecue sauce. The bad news is that we’ve moved onto videos about the Irish Rover, a mythical sailing ship from an Irish folk song of the same name.