Your phone: A user's guide

3 easy(ish) steps to a healthier relationship with your phone

In partnership with Aura

Happy Monday, sapiens! So, you know how academic researchers (e.g., me) are always blabbering on about how self-reported measures of screen time are limited, and it would be great if we could understand what’s *actually* happening on kids’ devices? A new study called Techwise, from online safety app Aura, is aiming to do just that and investigate links between kids’ device use and wellbeing.

If you have a child aged 8 to 17, they might be eligible! Participants will get FREE access to Aura parental controls, and will get paid for their time. To learn more and sign up, visit Techwise.

Interested in sponsoring a future Techno Sapiens post? Email technosapiens.substack@gmail.com

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9 min read

Over the holidays, a friend gifted my children their very first Playmobil. For those unfamiliar, Playmobil are small, plastic toys that come in themed sets. They typically include a few smiling plastic figures, various accessories, and roughly 40 pages of assembly instructions.

The set my children received was, of course, a pirate ship, along with 101 pieces representing all manner of pirate-themed activities (e.g., cannons, treasure chests, shoulder parrots).

Knowing very little about Playmobil prior to this, I opened the box with my son one afternoon and tossed the instruction manual aside. It’s a children’s toy, I asked myself, how complicated could this be?¹

Ten minutes later, with my son crying about a miniature pirate telescope and tiny cannon balls littering the floor, I had my answer.

Sometimes we need instructions.

And what does this have to do with phones?

For many of us, our smartphones are practically an extension of our hands. The ways we use them have become second-nature. When thinking about how to establish healthy phone habits, we might have a vague action plan (use it less?) but otherwise, we’re fuzzy on the details. After all, we think, How complicated could this be?

Well, it never hurts to read the manual.

So today, we’re taking a step back. We’re embracing that New Year’s mindset. And we’re distilling the science into a three-part user’s guide to healthier phone use.

1. Prioritize connection

Perhaps you’ve noticed: we can do many different things on our phones. We can call our grandmothers. We can check the weather. We can watch 37 consecutive videos about blobfish.²

So, how to know which of these activities are good for us? Well, apart from the obvious (i.e., asking ourselves does this make me feel good?), researchers have come up with a simple model for differentiating the good from the bad:

If a phone activity promotes social connection, that’s good. If it detracts from social connection, not so good.

Promoting social connection

Unsurprisingly, studies support the benefits of using our phones for social purposes. People who use their smartphones to communicate with others report feeling more accepted and supported. Frequent and responsive smartphone communication—via texts, calls, video chats—increases relationship satisfaction in long-distance couples. Teens feel more connected to friends when they use their smartphones to talk to them.

What counts as promoting social connection? Researchers hypothesize that “good” social smartphone use has two qualities:

• It is targeted toward a single person or a small group. Think of a text message or DM, versus a public post or mindless scroll. A direct message is more likely to result in reciprocity (i.e, the other person responds) and self-disclosure (i.e., people share things about themselves), both of which make us feel more connected.

• It is warm. Seems obvious, but in the spirit of clear instructions: be nice. And pick conversation partners who are nice back.

Another (obvious) way to promote social connection via our phones? Use them to make in-person plans to see a friend or loved one.

But don’t phones also *interfere* with social connection?

Yes, they do.

That’s why it’s worth making sure your phone is not getting in the way of in-person social interactions, whether that’s with friends, partners, kids, or even strangers.

Researchers have come up with various names for the many ways we ignore the people around us in favor of our devices.

• There’s technoference (i.e., technology + interference), which typically refers to parents’ phone use distracting from interactions with their children.

• There’s phubbing (i.e., phone + snubbing), which is ignoring our partners or friends in favor of phone use.

• And there’s the behavior that remains unnamed (likely due to lack of fun portmanteau)³ of pulling out our phones anytime we’re in a public setting (waiting room, coffee shop line, school pickup) to pass the time.

Though slightly different, all of these behaviors share two important qualities: they illustrate psychologists’ embarrassing naming conventions, and they’re…not great. With our friends, partners, and children, phone distraction can negatively impact relationship quality and satisfaction (for them and us). Even with strangers, phone distraction makes it less likely that we strike up (or respond to) a conversation and, perhaps counterintuitively, results in us feeling worse.

Of course, it’s unrealistic to think we can avoid this entirely—and we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over occasional slip-ups—but it makes sense to pay attention to it.

Remember, too, that our phone behaviors influence the behaviors of those around us. This is true of our kids, but also friends, partners, and strangers—phone use in social settings can be “contagious.”

So: do unto your phone what you would have others do unto…their phones.

2. Be smart about screen time limits

Speaking of putting our phones where we cannot see them, how should we be thinking about limits on screen time? Should we bother with setting screen time limits on certain apps? How much time should we give ourselves?

The good news is that researchers have looked into this. The bad news? Screen time limits often do not work.

In a series of experiments, researchers found that when people use built-in time-limiting tools on apps like TikTok and Instagram, this can paradoxically increase the time people spend on those apps.

This is due to a concept called budgeting. When we set a time limit, we often pick the number based on the maximum amount of time we want to be spending. Unfortunately, this changes our perception of that time. Now, we view those 60 minutes as definitively earmarked (or “budgeted”) for TikTok, and we’ll happily scroll away for that length or more.

So, how do we get around this?

The How

Here are the keys to setting screen time limits that work:

• Choose low limits. If you’re going to set a limit, make it lower than your current use. Avoid the temptation to “budget” more time.

• Do not be fooled by an app’s default options, which may be higher than is ideal. Use the Screen Time function (for iPhone) or Digital Wellbeing (for Android) to set limits, rather than in-app options (e.g., on TikTok), as in-app options often start too high.

• Experiment with apps that create “hard limits” (i.e., with no option to ignore)—but avoid the temptation to set higher limits for fear of being “cut off.”

The What

Which apps should we limit? This will differ for each person, of course, but one place to start for many of us is reducing mindless scrolling on social media.

As long-time techno sapiens likely know, I’m unconvinced that cutting back on social media use will solve our nation’s mental health crisis, but I do think there’s increasingly strong evidence that cutting back on time spent on social media can be generally helpful for our well-being.

The When

When should we be setting screen time limits? In addition to protecting social times (see above), another key time for screen time limits is around sleep. It’s clear that phone use can both disrupt sleep (i.e, through midnight notifications) and displace it (i.e., through scrolling before bed).

Sleep is essential for mental and physical health, so don’t let your phone be the thing that interferes—leave that to your young children, waking up at 2am and taking it upon themselves to sing-shout BABA BLACK SHEEP.

3. Use your phone to spark joy

Many of the things we do on our phones are, scientifically speaking, kind of a bummer. FoMO-scrolling through highlights of our neighbor’s recent Caribbean vacation. Looking on while people angrily insult each other in comment sections. Repeatedly refreshing our work emails.

Chances are, there are a few activities you do on your phone that you know right now you’d be better off without. So, start there. Go full Marie Kondo on your phone use. If it doesn’t spark joy, it’s out.⁴ Unfollow accounts. Delete apps. Turn off notifications. Go wild!

For more detailed instructions on this, see: A mindful approach to your phone.

Now, beyond limiting phone use that clearly makes us feel bad, are there things we can do with our phones that might—gasp—actually make us feel good?

A few key practices have been identified in the broader positive psychology research that our phones can facilitate.

Be social

As discussed above. Socializing is a well-known mood booster, and having strong relationships is a strong predictor of overall health (and even life expectancy). In sum: text your friends, feel better, live longer.

Practice gratitude

Expressing gratitude has been shown to predict increases in happiness. Our phones are a great tool for this. In one study, for example, participants’ moods improved after they were assigned to write a gratitude letter to someone (without sending it), send a gratitude text, or post about their gratitude on social media. You can also use the Notes app or journaling apps to jot down things you’re grateful for.

Help others

Evidence suggests that we increase our own (and others’) happiness when we spend money on others, such as through gifts or donations. Our phones offer a powerful portal to finding and contributing to causes we care about.

Practice savoring

Savoring, or the act of purposefully noticing and appreciating positive experiences, can increase well-being and reduce anxiety. One way to practice savoring? Spend some time looking at a photo you love on your phone, and while you’re doing it, remember how you felt (in as vivid detail as possible) in the moment the photo was taken.

Build mastery

A key skill in behavioral therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy is what’s called “building mastery.” The idea is simple: pick a goal or something you want to learn, practice it, and build confidence through working toward achieving it.

Our phones can be a useful tool when they help us develop real-world skills, whether it’s watching YouTube videos on how to play the guitar, Googling new recipes, or having ChatGPT teach us how to descale our coffee makers.⁵ Just make sure the watching/reading/Googling doesn’t take the place of the actual doing.

I’ve been skimming. Just give me the highlights!

Not a fan of reading user manuals in their entirety? Trust me, I get it.

Here are some steps you can take to put these tips into practice right now:

To prioritize connection:

• Grab your phone. Choose a nice person in your contact list. Send them a friendly text message to tell them you’re thinking about them and ask how they’re doing. Respond when they text back.

• Pick one new “phone-free” time or location to implement in your day-to-day. Maybe it’s at the dinner table, or after the kids get home from school, or while you’re sitting on the couch, or in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. During the time you choose, put your phone somewhere you cannot see it. Leave it there.

To set smart screen time limits:

• Pick an app on which you’d like to spend less time. Do one of two things: (1) delete it, or (2) set a screen time limit. To do this, go to your phone’s Settings, then select Screen Time (iPhone) or Digital Wellbeing (Android). Set a limit that is lower than your current use.

• While you’re at it, put your phone somewhere that you cannot reach while you’re in bed, or, if nothing else, put it on “do not disturb.”

To spark joy:

• Unfollow at least one social media account that does not make you happier

• Think of someone you’re grateful for, and send them a text to tell them

Now, if anyone needs me, I’ll be over here on my phone, looking up how to assemble a Playmobil pirate cannon.

‘Til next time!

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A quick survey

What did you think of this week’s Techno Sapiens? Your feedback helps me make this better. Thanks!

The Best | Great | Good | Meh | The Worst

1. I think I hadn’t appreciated how much the assembly is kind of the point of Playmobil? At 3 years old, my son is probably a bit too young to really follow the instructions, but, it seems, not too young to ask me (repeatedly) why I can’t figure out how to attach the cannon to the side of the ship. Honestly, he has a point.

2. In addition to pirates, blobfish (and other sea creatures) are another of my children’s current interests. I think it started with this YouTube video. Apparently, the blobfish, a.k.a “a marine Jabba the Hut,” only takes on its characteristic gelatinous appearance near the surface of the water. Where they usually live, deep on the ocean floor, the pressure squeezes them into a more traditional fish shape. Cool, huh?! [No idea where my children got this interest].

3. As noted, no fun portmanteau yet determined for the behavior of pulling out our phones anytime we’re in a public setting, totally ignoring our surroundings. To the academic community, may I propose: phignoring (phone + ignoring)?

4. Okay, maybe we can’t go full Marie Kondo on our phone use. We will do some things on our phones that are probably closer to neutral on the “sparking joy” spectrum. Google Maps, say, or nightly reminders to move our Elves on the Shelf (Elf on the Shelfs?).

5. I did it! I “descaled” my Keurig! I have no idea what this means, but the blinking “clean” light is now finally off. When my husband and I used it this morning, we happily remarked on the complete lack of scales in our coffee. Not a scale to be found!